Lost and Found Congeries

Who’s Your Daddy?

2010-08-31T18:20:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wish I had the guts to ask for what I need. It takes a lot of courage to do that though. It takes even more to express yourself to someone with whom you desire a relationship. For a long time I’ve wanted desperately to have a relationship with my former step-dad. If nothing more than a simple exchanging of stories about our lives together; I finally find him, after years of desire for it, and we seem to be at a stalemate. I’ve sent him several messages on Facebook, in an attempt to spark conversation. He seemed, when I talked to him on the phone to want to talk to me, to know me, to be a part of my life. He seemed interested. Now though I can’t seem to get a response. Today he posted on an old picture of me, my mom, and my Papa, yet hasn’t answered my messages. I know he knows how, and I know he at least has been semi willing to do so in the recent past. Maybe I’m to blame; perhaps I’m behaving like men say women do. Hint dropping, mind reading, expecting my desire for a relationship to be obvious, when in fact he’s just as scared and just as unsure about how to proceed. How do we proceed? The last time I think we saw each other I was probably 6, which was a good 21 years ago. Obviously I’m a woman, I’m married, I watched his ex-wife run her life into the ground, I’ve seen both my Grandparents, the people who raised me pass away as well. I have a relationship with my biological father, though sometimes it is a struggle. I need to be empathetic to his feelings, the confusion, joy, sadness, and anything else he could feel, but how? How can I attempt to be that for him, when I’m so lost as well? What if I’m giving him feelings he really doesn’t have? What if he honestly doesn’t give a flying poo if I am alive and well? What if he just doesn’t know how to tell me? Part of me says, Meg just jump of this bridge, at worst he wants nothing of you. I just don’t know how! I don’t know how to be okay with the possibility of losing the one person alive that can tell me about my life as a child. Where do I go from here?

A Long Winding Road

2010-08-29T04:40:00.002-05:00

So much to say, and also so little…I’ve been married over a year now, and what a year it’s been. Papa’s been gone over a year now, and how much I still miss him.

I’ll start with my Anxiety. Not long after the wedding, which was only a month after Papa died, I had to begin the process of finding a new Psychiatrist. I finally found one, but it wasn’t a pleasant experience. She refused to give me the same meds I’d been on for at least a year, meds that were working for me. In the end she actually didn’t even treat my anxiety and put me on a medication that was causing suicidal thoughts. I left this Psychiatrist treatment and have yet to find another one. For a little over a year now, I haven’t been medicated. My anxiety has at points been so bad that I do not leave the house. Currently I’m on an upswing and am able to get out. At first I attempted to work, and all that lead to was more anxiety and severe panic attacks. I am hoping to be medicated soon, and to finally begin to live my life outside the walls of our house.
School, has been its own bag of drama. When Papa died I was able to get an extension on my semester, however there was some sort of miscommunication that I had 6 weeks to complete my courses when in fact I only had two weeks. There was also a grade policy, anything lower than a C on any coursework I’d fail the class. I got a D on a 10point quiz, and was also unable to complete a very extensive final project in such a short time span. I failed my courses and the school will gladly let me continue, but I have pay for a semester out of pocket without federal aid to up my grades. So for now, I’m not in school. I do some graphic design freelance work, but I’m not sure what I’m going to do about this school. I’m tired of failure, so for now I’m taking a break.
Papa died at such an awful time. We were a month out from my Wedding. I got a phone call from my cousin basically telling me that he was really sick. He had been hiding how badly he was feeling from me, she told me to come home. Standing in my room, I started crying, I think I knew this was the end. He was projectile vomiting, and couldn’t hold any food or fluids down. So I called Chase and packed. We took off immediately and headed to the Hospital in Springfield. The next few days were horrible. Papa was sick, very sick. He had some sort of blockage which was causing the vomiting. They needed to do exploratory surgery, but the doctors didn’t want to. It took them 3 days to tell us that he was dying. I am extremely lucky that I got to see him lucid several times, including just maybe 8 hours before he died. Sitting watching Bonanza and doing a word search from my Papa Hospital Kit. We had issues with the doctors giving him meds that made him hallucinate. I was the only one he’d listen to, and he even told Herb my uncle/brother via adoption to get the hell out while this was going on. We hadn’t left the hospital in days and weren’t really sleeping. I took the opportunity when no one was in the room to climb into bed with him. I laid my head on his tummy and curled up next to him, just like when I was a little girl. I told him everything I felt I needed to say. How much I loved him, how much he’d meant to me, and always would. How I’d never taken him for granted, even though I know he felt like that. That I knew he’d always be with me, and that he could go home and be with Mom, Gran, his parents, all his siblings and friends. At one point I was trying to comfort him, his blood pressure had dropped really low and the nurse thought he might be about to die. I told him, “I love you Papa.” And he reached up and hugged me. After a while the palliative care nurse came in and spoke with us about what would be best for him and most comfortable as he died. She removed the oxygen mask and put Nasal cannulas in, and turned off his IV bag except for the pain meds. The nurse told us he could go at any time, to be prepared. She, my cousins, and Herb went to the nurses’ station. I was on the bed holding his hand and talking to him. In the time it took them to walk to the Nurses Station, just outside the door, I watched him die. I’m not sure what alerted them to him having just passed, I was frozen. My cousin came in and started wailing. The nurse was shocked it happened so fast. The family consensus seems to be that when he hugged me he was saying goodbye and ready to go. The nurse informed us the oxygen which was cranked to the highest setting had been forcing him to breathe even though his body likely didn’t want it, or else he’d not have passed so quickly. The next few days are honestly are a blur. He was buried before I could blink and this man who was my everything was gone. The next 8 months were hell. I had to go to my home and begin going through and trashing his and my grandmothers lives. Herb and I didn’t see eye to eye on anything, per the usual. It led to loud screaming fights, nights in hotels, and general crankiness and unhappiness. Yet through it all Chase supported me, fought for me, and loved me. I found wonderful things, like my Papa’s WWII Uniform, photos, marriage licenses, his Parachute rigging diploma from the War, and a million other amazing things that belonged to them and even my mother. I cleaned out my bedroom, and walked away from the only home I’d ever known. By the end of July the house was sold, and Herb and I received our inheritance. I feel like Herb only wanted the money, and since Papa died he has been basically absent from his side of the family. Our fights were generally over the value of things, like all those amazing things I found. He wanted me to trash them. Honestly though my inheritance is not in the things or any money but, in the woman my grandparents raised me to be; the memories, love, support, and joy that those two people brought into my life. Today I still find it hard to breathe sometimes when I think about Papa. Mostly though I find that my tears of sorrow are starting to become tears of joy at the memory of him, I still have a long road, the grief is still here, but it has begun to ebb.
In August of last year we moved into a trailer on the edge of town. It is really nice and much larger than our apartment. It’s taken me about a year to get up the nerve and will to begin going through boxes of hastily packed possessions of my grandparents. The house is full of open boxes right now, as I actually choose what to keep and what to throw away. It’s been hard, and my house right now is almost a shrine to them. I believe though in the next month I will have finally gotten it all done, at least what isn’t being stored at Chase’s grandparents. It’s a 3 bed 2 full bath home, and we have enough room for everything we own. It’s been a great place to live and we’re staying thankfully!
Marriage has been exciting, scary, and really really hard. In this last year, Chase and I have faced a million challenges, from dishes to death. We’ve had to learn to communicate, how to express anger, love, and many other emotions; how to share money, responsibility, and a bathroom. I’d have to say that I love him more now than I did the day I married him. We’ve overcome more than most couples have to so soon and survived it. He’s had to stand up for me to his family as my anxiety controls our lives. I’ve had to choose to love those certain members of his family as they choose to try and push us apart. Overall though this last year, with all its ups and downs has been the most amazing thing. God gave me a support system just as I lost my Papa. I can’t speak for him but I believe he feels just as strongly about me as I do him…call it a hunch lol.
Overall I’d say this last year has been insane. Though looking back through my entries, it’s not unusual for my life to anything less than a wild ride. In the end I wake up every day and just try to get through it. Some days are good, and I can walk out my front door. I’ve accomplished a Trip to Washington DC, though it wasn’t without its “challenges” with my anxiety. I survived a trip to be with my Sister-in-law in case she went into labor before her family could be with her, while my brother was out to sea. Which was also interesting; had she not been as pregnant as she was, we’ll I’d have died. She liked to leave the house, and I well…don’t. There are things I desire, like life outside the house, but I know what I’m capable of and I try to push that as much as possible. Someday, hopefully soon, I’ll have my life back, until then I’m going to enjoy the amazing man I’m married to, the wonderful friends I have, being an aunt, and being a Child of God. Maybe if I’m lucky, before another year has passed I’ll have amazing news about my job, life anxiety controlled, and perhaps being on the road to motherhood.

Until I write again, this is sporadically blogging Meg signing out.

In-Laws are becoming Out-Laws

2010-02-15T12:42:00.002-06:00

I'm so tired of being a doorstop. I fought for my freedom with my family, and it was hard won; but with my Hubs family I feel that I can't just say, "I'm out." The answer is simple, but I can't choose to do it, and I feel guilty even thinking about it being done. I don't understand how Papa was able to stay out of my choices so well, perhaps it was the distance from him and my daily life...whatever the case I need that space back. If they hate how we live SO much, they can just leave us alone.

Found, I think.

2010-02-11T14:00:00.000-06:00

I have something unbelievable to write; after more than a decade of looking I found my ex-step-dad. I have been looking for answers to my childhood for a long time. The only person left who really knows anything about it, at least a very specific time frame of it, is my step-dad. I tried a people search company, internet searches, and stalking Classmates.com. What I couldn’t do in years, facebook did in fewer than 2 mins. The crazy thing is how scared I was once I found him. It took time for me to build up the courage to send him a message, but I did. At first everything seemed to be going well. He seemed receptive to me and the fact that I had questions. I made it clear I had no expectations from him. I didn’t want him to feel like after all these years I wanted him to be my dad or give me money. I just want answers, stories, knowledge of my life when he was a part of it. I spent that first day scanning photos of so he could seem them. He liked that, and asked for more. I obliged. He asked for my phone number, and I gave it to him. It’s been almost a week and I’ve heard nothing from him. I’m trying to be optimistic, to not put pressure on this, to not have expectations; but I’m a fast mover. I was hoping he’d be willing to jump right in and start conversation. I am fine with text, I’m fine with being nothing more than memories to this man, but he doesn’t seem to feel the same way. I don’t know if he’s hesitant because he wants more or if he wants nothing. I’m afraid. I’m worried something I’ve wanted and waited for all this time is slipping away. What do I do? Wait? Pursue him? I am lost and clueless.

Green

2009-09-28T12:37:00.003-05:00

I'm jealous. I hate myself for it, but I am. I'm tired of being sick, I'm tired of crying every time I see a baby, I'm tired of dreaming of children I may never have, and more than that I'm tired of being this selfish person who can't feel happiness for her blessed friends and family.

2009-08-18T11:08:00.002-05:00

It really hurts my feelings that my Dad stopped following my Twitter. It's childish and probably silly that I feel rejected by something so tiny, but for someone who pretty much ignores my existence as is, it's hard to swallow that he relegates my twitter as spam. Gee thanks. -posted via text

Searching through the Mess

2009-08-01T04:03:00.003-05:00

So after years of "collecting" games, movies, music, documents, pictures, and other random computer space clogging items...I'm purging? No not purging, attempting to reorganize is probably a better way to put it. I have so many pictures that I've burned to Cd's, backed up on externals, and uploaded to the net, that I'm swimming in duplicates and quadruplet copies of some and only one of others. It's enough to make me go cross eyed. By the same token I have triple the amount of the music and multiple copies of all of it. So I'm reorganizing it all...I think lol. We'll see how long my computer spring cleaning lasts.

Today was grilling day, and the food turned out really good. Chase did a good job of cooking the burgers and hot dogs, and by the time we'd finished eating we were all stuffed. Tomorrow is a bit of a cleaning day I think, I am going to go into the spare room and at least pick up and clean the carpet.

It's been pretty nostalgic going back through all my old photos and seeing how much my life has changed over the last few years. I think I'll post some kind of photo montagish thing with pics of Papa, Pierre, Gran, Willie, maybe some friends, and me. I think I'll attempt that later on in the day though...I'm getting glares from the Hubby for being up so late. Guess I'll try to get some sleep!

Time to Blog Again

2009-07-31T04:49:00.005-05:00

10 Things That Happened This Week: A re-entry into actually writing something!

1. No WoW (World of Warcraft) for 10 days till we buy our next round of subscription cards. Yes, I'm a nerd that plays WoW lol. It's kinda sad actually cause Chase (my Hubby) and I talk while he is at work on the game. Not to mention some of my really good friends play and I won't get to goof around with them for a bit. I also am losing some Titansteel cooldowns...like I said...Nerd!

2. I gave my Willie Dog a hair cut. It was uber badly needed, now if only I could get Scrappy (my other doggie) to sit still and not be scared of the trimmer. It's so much more cost efficient for me to trim them, but for some reason Scrappy isn't having it.

3. Made Steak dinner in the skillet. I was actually impressed by how well it turned out. My cooking skills are usually very limited to breakfast foods and things from a box. The steak was tender and it wasn't over cooked! So yay for cooking success :)

4. Weekly In-Law visit. Every Thursday we go out to Chase's grandparents for dinner and a visit. It's also where we can get a free load of laundry in lol. I actually enjoy going out there. I love Chase's Grandparents, they seem to really have accepted me and love me too.

5. Started playing an MMO called City of Heroes. It's pretty fun, but really the best part is that several of my friends play. It's nice to have a group of friends into Gaming. I made a superhero who casts fire magic and can fly woot!

6. Attempting to get the apt ready for a friend to come stay with us for a bit. Lots of cleaning and organizing to do, but I keep putting it off. I'm a major procrastinator like that. I'm hoping while she is here though we can get a game of DnD going. I miss playing more than I like to admit.

7. Trying to get the stuff together to get our Family Bible started. I got it from the funeral home when Papa died. It has his name and information in it. Herbie (my Uncle) got the Flag from his funeral so I got the bible. I want to get some information in it and put it up somewhere safe. It's actually pretty cool, it has a place for your wedding invite, program, and a place to put pictures.

8. Unpacked some of our wedding gifts finally. Getting the kitchen organized was the biggest thing, its nice to have my China and all the kitchen utensils put away and ready to use. (the plate in the picture is dirty which is why there is a spot in the center of it lol)

9. Attempting to get the newish comp set up and usable. I'm disliking the lack of docs, Office, and pictures to access. I need to get everything uploaded on here before to much longer.

10. Having a cookout today, gonna have some friends over for Burgers and such. Should be fun. I bet we'll spend most of our time on electronic devices though lol.

Love and Marriage

2009-06-30T17:14:00.000-05:00

At first I was going to write a blog in the spirit I’m in right now, which is under medicated. Instead I think I’ll leave the emotional details of losing my Papa and the whining about having a hard time finding a job for later. Love and Marriage!
So I finally tied the knot. I’m now a Mrs. Kind of odd to say that lol. I actually went today and got my new driver’s license and Social Security Card. My wedding was good; though it went so fast I barely remember a lot of it. I tried hard to make the day about things that were very Chase and I. Star Trek, Hitchhikers Guide, Zelda Cake, and Rick Rollin’ everyone at the reception. It was a small wedding, but people came! That was my biggest fear that no one would come. I took a lot of flak for the sheer size of my wedding party, but those girls were very important to me, and I wanted them to be a part of my special day. Married life is good; it’s really not that different, at least not to me. I get to spend every day with my best friend, just the way I like it. We’re struggling, trying to join our lives, our habits, and our laundry lol, but we love each other and seem to come out of most messes fairly well. I’ll post some pics and the video of our rick roll as soon as I find them lol.

A Year in Review

2009-01-22T13:50:00.001-06:00

Today I finally write; I’m obviously late on my year in review, and considering that I didn’t write for the most of it, it would be out of place. I can’t help but feel it would be a great way to get back into the spirit of blogging and even more into the memories I didn’t place in my blog in 08.
My Year in Review (in no particular order)

10. Love and Marriage- Watching one of my best and dearest friends marry my brother. It was awkward and still is, that someone who has known my inner most thoughts and secrets is now married to my brother; yet for all the crazy that it is, someone who I’ve claimed as family for years now officially is.

9. A Trip of a Lifetime- Boston, who needs more than that? I got to travel with Barbs to a place we’d always wanted to go together. The Freedom Trail, the accents, 4th of July with the Boston Pops live, swimming in the Atlantic Ocean, walking past Harvard at 3am, and those are just snippets of the whole trip; it was amazing, and it was once in a lifetime.

8. The Zoo- Scrappy and Indie, the newest members of the Zoo. What was supposed to be a trip to get Chase a cat turned into an adventure of the dog and cat variety. Scrappy (the dog) was for some reason being kept in the kitten section of the human society; my heart broke when I saw his little red self all alone. He looked at me with such gentle kind eyes. I couldn’t resist, and now several months later, I’m in love with his overly hyper sweetness. Indie named after Indiana Jones is clumsy, snuggly, and loves to eat…nothing like his namesake. The two of them have helped make my little family all the more exciting and full.

7. Happy Anniversary Honey- I took Chase to Denver and it was amazing. Chase a Broncos fan of epic proportions was shocked and ecstatic to go to Denver and more so to tour the whole Broncos Stadium, ending with us on the field. He was in love with the whole thing, and going to his dream stadium was topped off with his first time flying. I think he had an amazing time.

6. Graphic Design- I started Graphic Design School and finally found a place where my love of creation was celebrated with good grades and success. I think it was one of the best choices I’ve made concerning education!

5. Halloween- We had a party, not a huge crowd, but a lot of fun. A few close friends eating, drinking, and watching movies. It was a blast…not to mention we all dressed up!

4. Bridesmaids and more Bridesmaids- Going shopping with my Sister and my Roomie to find the dress style, fabric, and colors I wanted in the wedding. I felt like a real bride for once and loved every second of it!

3. Going to the Chapel- Taking my parents out to Camp Calvary so they could see where I want to get married. They weren’t overly impressed, but it felt like I was finally setting the plans into motion.

2. A Bengkins Christmas- This was the year that we got the balance of the holiday right. Chase and I actually enjoyed ourselves; we even had presents for everyone! I can only hope that the holidays from here on out are as happy!

1. Spice and Politics- I’m not a politically tuned person, in fact I’d say I’m the opposite; however, this year I was addicted to it. I watched, I gleaned, I studied, and I voted. For the first time in my life I felt a part of my countries priorities. I cried the night Obama won the election, and I cried when he was sworn in and I’ll leave it at that.

So it was a hectic year, there was tragedy, as there often is in life, but there was joy as well. So with little fan fare another year passes and a new one takes its place. 2009 is a big year for me, I change my last name and start my life as a wife, I move in with a man for the first time since living with my papa, and perhaps if it works out we start our family.

2009-01-21T23:00:00.000-06:00

Coming Soon

2008-07-08T16:31:00.003-05:00

Found....again

2008-01-03T19:24:00.000-06:00

It's been awhile; truthfully it’s been a lifetime. So much has happened since my last post that I am not sure I want to go through the struggle of catching up. I've been busy, no not just busy, I've been absorbed. Life has taken me by the collar and said, “Let’s boogie babe” and I’ve gone along for the ride. I guess I’ll start with what happened in October.

I received a ring, and I said yes. Chase and I will be together a year in February. It doesn’t seem real that I’ve finally found the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, but I love it. I always thought I’d be the girl who’d wait a lifetime to fall in love; my ideals were too much for the “common” man to meet. Chase changed that in me. I truly believe that God put us together, and I’m really glad that he did. Our wedding date is May 16th of 2009. There is still so much planning to do before the big day lol. I also turned 24, not a milestone by any means but, a great birthday nonetheless.

November was not a good month. Chase’s family seemed to have issue with the amount of time he and I were spending with my Papa in Missouri. First my Gran got sick, then my Papa, then my Gran passed away, and before I knew what was going on…well people were pissed. Papa is better, which is good, but he’s awfully lonely and I feel helpless to stop that. Gran got sick because of the nursing home’s negligence. They left her dentures in for far to long, I’m talking months here, without taking them out to clean them. She got a horrible infection and couldn’t eat because of it. She went to the hospital where they pumped her full of anti-biotics and she recovered some. It was the last time I saw any lucid part of my Grandmother, and there wasn’t much. I comforted her while they redid IV’s, and in my heart I believe a piece of her remembered me in those moments. My Gran and Papa both filled out living wills, a choice of theirs was to be a DNR (do not resuscitate) and that they never be on artificial life support. So my Gran who was not eating because of the pain, was not allowed to have a feeding tube. She died peacefully; I left about 30 mins before it happened. I couldn’t see her take her last breath; I wanted to remember her differently than that. Her funeral was beautiful, and so was she. It was hard to see her the way she looked. She was like my Gran in High School, before she got sick. Seeing her like that was a little creepy and made me feel like she’d sit up and ask, “who the HELL put me in a coffin?” it also made me feel like I was losing her all over again. I lost her to the disease, and now to death. I don’t know what I expected to see, but I did not expect to see the woman of 5 years ago lying in the casket. The hardest part for me was watching her being closed in the casket, realizing she was really gone. I felt like they were sealing her fate somehow by closing the lid. Sometimes I miss her to much too even breathe, she won’t be at my wedding, and she never really got to meet Chase. I always promised her she’d wear a beautiful hat at my wedding, she loved hats, but instead she’ll be there in spirit. It’s hard to imagine that only 5 years ago she was alive and no one knew she had Alzheimer’s.

December was stressful, the loss of my Gran had caused me to have massive anxiety, and the impending holiday only made it worse. It wasn’t long before I wanted to huddle in a ball and pretend the world was gone. Financially we were and are struggling from the aftermath of so many trips to Missouri, and it was almost to much to bare as we are still making payments late and making deals so that we have a place to live, while we try to get caught up. In the end it all worked out, there was more Drama with Chase’s family, and more drama in mine. We survived it, and Chase stood up for me, something that makes me even more proud to have him. I also purchased my wedding dress. Step one in the long process of this entire event. Hopefully everything else will be as easy as that was.

Overall 2007 ended okay. I lost a lot this year and as the world works I very much assume I’ll continue to lose things I love, but I also gained. I found the man of my dreams, no, make that the man I couldn’t possibly dream up. I can only hope that 2008 holds a lot for me like 2007 did, and if I know anything about my life….it does.

2007-09-18T17:43:00.000-05:00

Click once to open in new window, and again to zoom. Sorry folks blogger doesn't like the size of Meggit Mix :(

hehehehe...sigh

2007-09-10T13:35:00.000-05:00

This is funny!

My Pookey

2007-09-09T11:52:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to brag!

Another rambling post...

2007-08-29T10:30:00.000-05:00

I’m tired. My job, which normally is not too much stress, has for some reason taken over my life. I do not recall school being so complicated when I was a mere Computer Assistant, rather than the Manager, yet all summer I begged for school to start again. I’ve missed the classes, the knowledge I gain from them, and the interesting people I meet. I just wish I didn’t wake up so sleepy every morning.
Math is going to be my thorn this semester; of course it always has been my thorn. I’m good at the creative, not the analytical. I have always excelled at subjects like English and struggled with Math. I hope someday I can have a better grasp of it, but I’m not betting my future on it. Hopefully I can just pass the class with a C; I don’t think that’s too much to ask lol.

French is my favorite class by far. I love my Prof and I love the way French sings when spoken. It’s a beautiful language, and I’m excited to be learning it! Très Bien! Actually I can’t say that French is my favorite, because I really like my peoples of Mesoamerica Class too. It’s an upper level anthropology course, and I have a lot of fun just listening to my Prof, who has an enormous amount of knowledge about the subject. He’s also a very good Prof in general. My other class is Criminal Profiling and it is just fun in general. I love shows like CSI and my Prof is not only a former police officer, but even attended the FBI academy. It helps that he also has a doctorate in Sociology, which is my favorite subject! I love learning, and love that I can sit through a class without a panic attack.

Going home this weekend! I’m so excited to finally get the chance to see my Papa again. I miss him, and I miss the Ozarks. I know I’ve prattled about the Ozarks for a long time, but there is a beauty there I’ve never found anywhere else, I’m glad to be headed back. Yesterday I got new glasses, and oddly enough they are in my school’s colors, Orange and Black. I think it’s pretty funny personally, but they looked the best, and as my boss pointed out this morning they match the Orange vest that the Computer Assistants have to wear. Yay :P lol

The ideals of life, love, and an average 23 year old

2007-08-21T13:28:00.001-05:00

It has been a while since I’ve sat down and written an honest to goodness entry. So much has been going on that I honestly have not had a chance. I’ve been busy, and when I’m not attempting to spend time with my doggie, boyfriend, and roomie, I’m sleeping.

Work is interesting to say the least, and a millions times better than it used to be. I love my new boss. He’s kind and has a great sarcastic sense of humor. He’s setting some pretty strict rules on certain things, but the functioning of the labs is beginning to run so smoothly, that I don’t really mind the new rules. Not to mention that he seems to appreciate the work that I do.

The boyfriend is great, he bought me this really awesome stereo for my car, and a beautiful diamond necklace for our anniversary. Normally I’m not into jewelry, but the necklace is perfect for me. It simple and white gold…I hate yellow gold. I’ve never owned a diamond and it’s nice to have some. We’ve been together now for longer than six months, which for me is a big deal. I have to say I like where we are going.

School started yesterday, and it was a completely different experience for me than the last few years have been. I didn’t feel afraid of the classes, and I was actually comfortable with the idea of attendance. It’s amazing how my anxiety meds have improved my life. Classes have been bearable, and even interesting. I don’t struggle to pay attention or feel as if I’m being ostracized. I’m proud of myself for the improvements in my life. Not only does school seem to be going better, but I also seen to be handling my money, food, and life with more ease. I wont lie I have my moments, but overall things are going great.

I have a feeling that all these anxieties, which for so many years have caused me pain and grief, are becoming unimportant. I see it best in my relationship with Chase. I allow him farther into my inner self than I have ever allowed anyone. I’m vulnerable with him, and for me that is the more than complicated. Dare I say I love him taking care of me, and I love taking care of him? He brings me a form of balance I’ve never experienced and has been a tremendous help as I’ve transitioned from neurotic Meg to functioning Meg and finally to successful Meg.

I guess it may be awhile before I update again, depending on my homework and the pace of the semester, but I will say before I close, it is nice to for once be able to enjoy life rather than haphazardly running through it hoping to God that I don’t miss the important things.

"One can get just as much exultation in losing oneself in a little thing as in a big thing. It is nice to think how one can be recklessly lost in a daisy!"
-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

First Day of Classes

2007-08-20T09:19:00.001-05:00

"Suddenly I awake to a stark amazement at everything... To be alive is so incredible that all I can do is to lie still and merely breathe." -- W.N.P. Barbellion

Have you buckled your swash?

2007-07-25T12:29:00.000-05:00

My pirate name is:

Dread Pirate Cash

Like the famous Dread Pirate Roberts, you have a keen head for how to make a profit. You're musical, and you've got a certain style if not flair. You'll do just fine. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.

part of the fidius.org network

Relaxing

2007-07-18T12:02:00.000-05:00

Just click the Little Orange Play Button and feel the stress melt away...
Fariborz Lachini – Fall in Love Again

An exciting day for Egypt!

2007-06-29T09:37:00.000-05:00

As an Egypt obsessee I keep up with information on it as often as I can. I ran across this today....muy interesting

2007-06-26T14:40:00.001-05:00

2007-06-15T12:19:00.000-05:00

2007-06-13T11:28:00.000-05:00

Summer in Oklahoma

2007-06-04T15:23:00.000-05:00

Update and such

2007-05-09T11:44:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel apart of something? Something you can’t obviously be a part of…at least not in a real everyday sense? I have a family. I met them nearly 4 years ago, and it all started with a friendship. So many things to write about…so lets get started :)

Medication- It’s been a couple of weeks since I was officially medicated. Honestly I was a bit skeptical of pills making me feel more like myself, but they do. I was put on Xanax and Zoloft; the Zoloft I’ve been told is a temporary medication, but the Xanax will be a part of my life for the rest of my life. I have an anxiety disorder, which would explain my trouble with sleep, my panic attacks, and my over the top stress. I’m still in counseling and will be for a long time. It’s not easy, to admit that I need this, but it’s harder to imagine my life continuing the way it has for the past few years. I’m making some big changes, starting with me, and then flowing into the rest of my life; such as money. Perhaps I’ll be on track some day soon :)

Road trip!- Well we went to Vegas and then to Colorado. It was so much fun seeing my Kodie again. I forgot how much I really missed her, and how much I missed her family. I met Kodie my freshman year of college and met her family nearly a year after that. Since that fateful thanksgiving, they have loved me as if I were apart of their own. Going to see her Graduate from college was something I needed. Vegas was at best a crazy place, and I don’t really ever have a desire to go back. I might if I have a lot of time and lots of patience. The Star Trek Experience was the best part of Vegas for me.

Barbs, Anne, and I (Roomies)

The Ferangie thought Chase was cool for being the only man with three females

Chase and I at Quarks Bar and Grill

Barbs and I were wooed by a monster...who then proceeded to beat Chase up

We also had a picture with a Klingon who though that Barbs eyebrow ring and my nose ring were a nice set of shrapnal tropheys. But it didn't turn out so hot:)

I also got to see the Hoover Dam which was jinormas! It was really cool though and did I mention jinormas?

Colorado was a lot of fun, per the usual. I got a funky sunburn/tan line now (yay for being closer to the sun) and I’m making plans to head back to Colorado as soon as possible. I need to get some money in order first. Overall the trip was great, there were a few snafus and a panic attack in Vegas, but it was totally worth it. Now its back to regular life and the joys of moving. Things are actually looking up for me, and hopefully will continue to look up.

Kodie and I at her Graduation Party

Barbs and I

Overcooked and Underdressed

2007-04-16T17:36:00.000-05:00

I’ve learned a valuable lesson about life this past week. You don’t always pick your family genetically, but you can pick them emotionally. After so many years of wanting and waiting for the moment when I’d be loved the way that I should be by my biological father...I’ve come to the conclusion that that I’ll never be the Women that they want me to be, nor should I live my life attempting to be their ideal, I am my own person. Its amazing what a little outside help can make a person see. Oddly enough I’ve felt more like myself these past few weeks than I have in a long time, and not a lot has been different, other than having a person to talk to about it. Friday is my appointment with the Psychiatrist and she will tell me if I will officially be on meds or not. I’m afraid of the answer and at the same time relieved that the game of wondering is almost over. The past few years of my life have been a train wreck of emotional, spiritual, and physical collapse. I am tired of being this shell of myself, tired of pretending to be okay when I’m not, and tired of being okay with this less than full version of myself. I know while talking to a visiting long time friend about my current self, another person in my life, also there, realized how different I was from the girl she met almost two and half years ago. I am different, and while a lot of people in my life do not seem to see it, I do. Perhaps I’ll soon be a medicated Meg and perhaps I won’t be; whatever the case I can’t help but think that I’m improving.

On a completely different subject, last night I went to a cook-out. I love it when whims turn into adventure. We built a fire, roasted hot dogs, and had smores. The stars were bright, the brightest I’ve seen them in a while. The cook-out was accident and snafu prone, but a blast nonetheless. My pants almost caught on fire, I ripped part of a toenail off in a freak mud accident, and the hot dogs were cold, but it was one of those nights that just sparkle with fun. As I fell asleep last night smelling of wood smoke I realized that these are the last few years of the beginning. The moments that I will remember when I’m 75 and telling people of my college days. I am so tired of school, so tired of the doldrums of the same old same old, and yet I’m so alive. I waste nights on a sofa, when there is a world of brilliant stars to see. I want to cook out again soon. Maybe I’ll have another night where I can manage to get myself out…how worth the moment that would be.

In about a week, I’m going to see one of my best friends Graduate from college. She lives in Colorado, so far from my daily life, yet still so much apart of it. I’m excited to see her and her husband again after almost 3 years. The road trip will include my roommates and boyfriend. We are going to visit 8 states, 9 if you include Oklahoma, in 4 days. It’s a grand road trip, which begins in little Stillwater and takes us to Las Vegas, the California border, 4 corners state park, Mesa Verde, Durango, Denver, and down through Kansas back to our comfortable and loving beds. I can’t wait for this experiment in social strain as we attempt to spend an insane and perhaps overdone amount of time together. I intend on taking a jillion pictures and will hopefully come back with many stories to tell. I know Barbs and I are most excited about the Star Trek experience…which will be followed by dinner at Quark’s Bar…*sigh* a Trekkie dream come true.

this weeks top 40 #1 hit goes too...

2007-04-10T15:54:00.000-05:00

It is that time of year again, where I review my Top 10 moments :) from this School year. So without further ado…

1. Willie- My baby boy, my muffin, biscuit, sniffer, mess, and love of my life. He has kept me sane the last few months; I don’t know what I’d do without his co-dependant hyperactive personality on a daily basis. God really provided for me when he allowed Willie to come into my life.
2. Nose ring oh nose ring- about a month and half ago, I got my nose pierced. Act of rebellion? Maybe. I am starting to realize that as I grow up I want to experience things that I never have before, unlike my tattoo the nose ring can easily disappear. Yet another thing on the list of Meg’s Black Sheep tendencies.
3. Thanksgiving- Having Barb’s parents come to our house for Thanksgiving made me feel like a real adult. My first official holiday where I did the cooking. Things went well and minus a few hiccups it was great! I can only hope that her parents come to our new Apartment once we move.
4. World Series Victory!- My entire life was spent with summers full of baseball. My papa never missed a televised game, and I sat happily on the floor chin in my hand enthralled by the game. Baseball reminds me of Summer, and Summer reminds me of happy childhood moments, the smell of a fresh cut lawn, the whirring of the A/C, the taste of fried green tomatoes and garden fresh strawberries. Baseball runs through my veins and energizes my soul. Finally I was witness to the only team I’ve ever loved winning the prize. Oh what a joy
5. Meggit Mix- A creative outlet for me, and a place to express my unusual and sometimes really silly sense of humor.
6. Christmas- This year it was nice to be at home and just loaf with my Papa. Herb (my uncle) came home and for once the holiday did not seem so empty.
7. New Years- I made some crazy choices on New Years, but it was a blast nonetheless. Getting to spend time with my Step-Bro and some of my best friends made it a hoot. I don’t think I’ve ever spent a New Years playing cards before, but it was a great time!
8. St. Pats Day- My first time ever to celebrate the green holiday. It was a blast! I actually understand now why people like to celebrate such a seemingly random event!
9. The Written Word- My friend Josh joined the Marines and when he went to boot camp he started writing me letters. Getting real mail was a blast, but getting real mail from a friend was even better. I love the anticipation between letters and the excitement of finally receiving them. Its such a difference the way the written word strikes the soul compared to electronic text.
10. Relient K- The Relient K concert was a blast and it was such a good time getting to hang out with my Sis and my friend Tiff while rocking to one of the greatest bands alive. I also got to see Sherwood in concert and fell in love with them as well. There’s nothing more fulfilling than the Sadie Hawkins Dance played so loud your whole body vibrates, while dancing with a crowd of strangers. *sigh* pure delight.

2007-04-06T12:35:00.001-05:00

The tide is turning….one crashing wave at a time…

2007-03-28T13:15:00.000-05:00

I had my first official appointment with my counselor….it was like a form of torture sitting in the waiting room waiting for her, but I waited nonetheless. After an extended session I left with the knowledge that there is hope for me….hope that comes in the form of medication. Apparently I’m suffering from severe depression and severe anxiety. In a month I have an appointment with a Physiatrist where she will evaluate me based on my sessions and a extensive Psychological history I have to fill out. She will then prescribe the medication that I need to get better. I don’t know what the better news is…that there is a light at the end of the tunnel or that there is a logical reason for my life being the mess that it is.

um...what was that again?

2007-03-15T17:36:00.001-05:00

So I’ve done it again. Another semester down the drain with nothing accomplished. It seems my extended family have nothing better to do than prod my already shattered ego about college. I have to admit the past few years I’ve been dazed, if not a wholly different person academically. After leaving Ozark and the blow out with my father it was almost like the academic loving me was lost to melancholy lethargy. I find myself missing classes for weeks because skipping is a disease. The fear of return is greater than the fear of failure. I don’t know how to fix this mess, much less to overcome it. My spending is erratic and my money follows suit of my academic career, down the preverbal porcelain god. I’m not sure what to do or how to get out of the spiral. I can’t seem to make enough money, I can’t seem to get to class, and to top it all off I feel like I’m dragging other people in with me. How do you set the road right again? I’ve been sick for several days and due to this am cranky…so perhaps I should sacrifice this post at the alter of angst and fevers…its located next to the alter of paper extensions and Bursar holds.

Untitled...

2007-03-07T14:53:00.000-06:00

I miss books. I miss the way I sat and read for hours, lost in another world of someone else’s creation. I miss the hours of endless discussion about them, the arguments of context and style. It is odd to watch my sister who like I was at her age devours books like a child eating M&M’s. I miss those days. I miss lazy afternoons of lying in the backyard book in hand and Pierre at my side. Why does it seem so long ago? Those days of youthful procrastination…when a book ran my life. I miss it…I have come to realize I miss a lot of things.

Sometimes I want to walk away. No, not walk, run; I want to close my eyes and just disappear. I watched a video from my senior year last night. These people in the video, so young and full of life and possibilities, and their lives lay out before them. I see a past that seems so long ago. The years since then I’ve changed so much. I’m so crazy sometimes, so manic, so lost in the memories of what was that I start to forget what is.

Tomorrow I go to the counselor….scared doesn’t describe it. I think panic is better. I’m starting to feel like a caged lion. I don’t know that I have it in me to function tomorrow. I don’t know that I can make it through tonight. I want to be alone…to hide…to disappear. I’m acting today, avoiding the sense of utter doom. The last time I faced a counseling session I was so upset I couldn’t move or speak. I just kept crying…and I have a feeling that unless I figure out how to suck it up…I’ll be doing the same tomorrow.

“…see how the flesh grows back across a wound, with a great vehemence, more strong than the simple, untested surface before. There's a name for it on horses, when it comes back darker and raised: proud flesh,

as all flesh is proud of its wounds, wears them as honors given out after battle, small triumphs pinned to the chest-“
Jane Hirshfield, From For What Bind Us

Its just that...

2007-03-01T10:11:00.000-06:00

Amen

2007-02-21T12:29:00.003-06:00

"Storybook happiness involves every form of pleasant thumb-twiddling; true happiness involves the full use of one's powers and talents." -- John W. Gardner

Missing

2007-02-19T12:58:00.001-06:00

There is something about this time of year, it debilitates me. It never fails; spring brings me a form of suffering unlike any other time of year. I’m very much inverted and lost. It seems that spring always bring extreme change in my life and I do not deal with change well. I feel like I fell off track somewhere and cannot seem to find the right road. I need to hibernate.

A run in with the Mirror...

2007-02-15T23:23:00.001-06:00

My old roomie Christy came to visit me today. It had been a long while since our last run in. She and I are very different people in so many ways, yet the same too. She’s fiercely independent, she tackles relationships (that whole um I need some personal time and space please) like me, she’s silly, serious, loves to read, is brilliant, witty, and a million and half amazing things in one beautiful and spicy woman. She has made my life in Oklahoma so much brighter. My path here has been dense at times, lots of depression, lots of anxiety, and extremely bumpy with family, but Christy always was there next to me. She was a great roomie, but and even better sister. I wonder sometimes what life would be like for me, if I’d stayed in Tulsa and not come to OSU. I wonder if Christy and I would be attached at the hip like we used to be, or if we’d have grown the same ways we have. I always question my choices, sometimes more than others, and when I’m holed up in my room because of some argument with the roommates I currently have, I think about the lazy evenings eating order in Chinese with Christy on the sofa.

I think about that Meg sometimes, my first experience of living in a house on my own. I was working full time and being an “adult” for real, 4 years ago. So much has changed, and so much hasn’t. The world is a scary place, and in those 4 years I’ve been in love and heart broken more than once, I’ve moved 4 or 5 times, I have grown up, gone into debt, failed classes, passed classes, lost myself, met some amazing people, lost family, and regained them. I’m sure my road in Oklahoma isn’t finished yet, but sometimes I feel like I’m ready for a new chapter; my roots grow restless for a new pot to grow in, and the inklings are growing stronger. If I’m not careful I’ll rip the roots out and tear off on a new adventure without a thought.

Valentines Day

2007-02-14T16:21:00.000-06:00

Sometimes she dreams in color...

2007-02-02T08:52:00.000-06:00

I always find it frustrating how the thoughts in my head never seem to translate to the page. I find it more frustrating how my best thoughts occur in that lucid stage right before sleep, when the mind is dumping everything in preparation for blissful slumber. I can not help but wonder how the greatest of writers ever manage to create logical thought, let alone the brilliance they manage to put on the page. My creative writing class is stirring up a fear that I have never before experienced, and this has me on edge.

My creative/personal writing has always been a very private thing, more so for the content than anything, but also because of my bad spelling, horrid grammar, and inability to express my whirling thoughts in a coherent manner. I reserve my private thoughts for those whom I do not fear will laugh at my inner self. Yet here I am in a class I knew would do just that, judge. I am even having nightmares of my professor’s response to my writing, and that really bothers me. I fear that I will not receive her acceptance, and in the end, I believe that is exactly why I have never before taken a creative writing class. I do not show off my work because I am deathly afraid of the rejection, and yet now I push my writing on people in hopes that their acceptance will mean hers.

I must write a 10 page story, I am livid.

I ran into an old friend yesterday, it was odd. How unusual that I said old friend rather than Clarkie. I guess while I was not paying attention he crossed the line into the nameless former rather than the nicknamed present. I feel as if I have crossed some invisible line myself, and that I am living in a new era. I am not sure when or where the line was placed, but the girl I am now is very different than she was 6 months ago. Perhaps I can say that it is because my friends have changed, or that I have allowed myself to be more of a typical 23 year old. I really can not say which of these events has lead to the girl that types this, but I do know that I am going to have to keep an eye on her.

Its been a while...

2007-01-25T18:32:00.000-06:00

I don't have to much to say really, so I'll just post some of the work we've done in my Creative Writing Class. One is a 100 word story and the other is a poem we just wrote today...needless to say...I'm not a poet...lol

Sound Murderer
The music had driven her mad. When she’d finally gotten her new phone, she was certain it would be the joy of her life. Make no mistake; the MP3 playing cell phone was nothing more than a glorified boat anchor. Twenty-four hours a day she would hear, not only her phone ringing, but also many others. Slowly she started to kill cell phone users one by one, until their phones and the music they made were silent. All she longed for now was quiet. She wiped the knife clean as her phone began to ring, “Another One Bites the Dust.”

I too once lived by the sea

waves sweeping clean
grainy sand, only budging in small strides

sea salt smelling of faded play dough
chunked hands

gulls laughing rather harshly
at our les than birdlike
countenance

kelp wafting like an odor in air
on pristine waves

I too once lived by the sea

an iron vice on my soul
waves of pristine blue

endless horizons creating profound longing
or rather, deep regret

hide in its beauty
swim away from fear
waft like kelp

Hopeless?

I too once lived by the sea

When in Rome: Nickel Creek

2007-01-17T11:59:00.000-06:00

Work-a-holic = pooped Meg

2007-01-10T08:04:00.000-06:00

The new semester has started, and with it so has work. Last semester I was promoted, and I now am the Asst. Lab Manager. Its been insane this first few days. Starting last week I've been working what feels like non-stop. Just since Monday this week I have worked 22 hours. Today I get to work two hours and go home, I feel my bed beckon. Last night was the first full nights sleep I've had in a while. It was nice to just be at home and not have my phone ringing with some need for me to come in all night. Hopefully this is a trend that can continue. All in all this semester is stacking up nicely. I only have 6 credit hours. This means more college for me down the road, but it also means better grades. Right now the Grades are what I care about. I'd like my average GPA to be above average. I've estimated I'll be finished with school in another 2.5 years. Maybe if I can pull it off I can shorten that time. I feel like my life has been nothing but school for a long time. Sometimes I think I should just stop for awhile, but I want to finish. I know if I leave I might not come back. Life doesn't always flow the way you expect it too. So until I'm done, I'm here...no breaks. Happy Hump Day and happy first week of classes!

On this...the first day of class for Spring 07

2007-01-08T09:06:00.000-06:00

I have periods of incredible frustration...and periods of great satisfaction. This is not a linear journey where I've arrived."
--Shane Gould, three-time Olympic gold medalist

2007-01-02T21:21:00.000-06:00

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet) i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-ee cummings

2007-01-02T20:08:00.000-06:00

2006-12-13T09:16:00.000-06:00

2006-11-30T17:30:00.000-06:00

Amused...

2006-11-27T10:39:00.000-06:00

2006-11-17T13:24:00.000-06:00

2006-11-15T09:41:00.000-06:00

Motivation

2006-11-14T10:06:00.000-06:00

2006-11-13T14:21:00.000-06:00

2006-11-09T13:54:00.000-06:00

What the Pirate read in regular english:
BOTTOM
Methinks, mistress, you should have little reason
for that: and yet, to say the truth, reason and
love keep little company together now-a-days; the
more the pity that some honest neighbours will not
make them friends. Nay, I can gleek upon occasion.

TITANIA
Thou art as wise as thou art beautiful.

BOTTOM
Not so, neither: but if I had wit enough to get out
of this wood, I have enough to serve mine own turn.

2006-11-09T12:02:00.000-06:00

2006-11-08T11:25:00.000-06:00

2006-11-07T08:46:00.000-06:00

2006-11-06T10:06:00.000-06:00

2006-11-03T10:00:00.000-06:00

2006-11-02T10:51:00.000-06:00

2006-11-01T09:57:00.000-06:00

2006-10-31T08:06:00.000-06:00

2006-10-30T07:21:00.000-06:00

2006-10-29T11:35:00.000-06:00

2006-10-28T07:23:00.000-05:00

For a while I have wanted to change the format of my blog. I tend not to make entries because I’m not quite sure what to write, so instead of writing, I’m going to make Meggit Mixes. Meggit is a nickname given to me by a good friend, and the official name of my “comic”. Each day I plan on reviewing something from my day or previous days in a comic. Its simple, nothing to snazzy…but who knows what may come of it as I learn to use some software or get an odd creative idea. So enjoy my first installment of Meggit Mix!
- Meg

2006-10-24T10:55:00.000-05:00

I guess its time to update.

My birthday was a smash hit, minus the few bad things that went down, such as my hamster dying everything was great. I went out with some friends and had a blast just hanging out. It was nice to have a birthday that I did what I wanted rather than what my family wanted. Sometimes it’s important to be selfish.

The Cardinals made it to the World Series :) I’m very excited about this! The current standing is 1-1. It’s a best of 7 series, so they have to win 4 games. So 3 more and they have the championship! Woot woot!

Its almost time to write my book…and I’m starting to freak about it! I guess we’ll see how good my writing really is lol.

2006-10-12T13:02:00.000-05:00

Today is my 23 birthday, I don’t feel older, but I sure feel more weighted. However, I won’t write about my birthday today, instead I’ll show you my project for November

.

I invite you, my reader, to join me :) It will be insane, but at the same time quite the adventure! Let me know if you choose to join, I'd love to be moral support! Just Click here for more info!

An update and the like...

2006-10-06T08:57:00.000-05:00

Update at last! So many things to cover…so little space. I’ll attempt to keep this short and sweet, but I tend to be long winded…or rather long worded.

It’s Finally FINALLY October, that time of year where my life stops for one thing, Baseball. I’m happy to report that my team, the Cards, are doing rather well and if they keep playing well will have a nice spot in the World Series…I’ll keep you posted, for I’m sure you, my beloved readers are just as excited as I am *wink*.
Now something I’ve been pondering as of late and not alone mind you, relationships. I’ve noticed that the majority if not all of my friends are male, and if they are female they aren’t the overly feminine type. In reviewing this I realize it might have something to do with my intellect type, in the end I guess it could be because I’m honestly just odd. I mean I’m 22 and watch Fraggle Rock, I enjoy Star Wars, Star Trek, Fantasy, sci-fi, and historical fiction novels, and I’m obsessed with baseball, not to mention play games like www.sissyfight.com on purpose. With all these factors it can be hard if not impossible to find people of a like minded nature. If you add in my insanely polar moods and baggage, I’m not the most sought after girl on the planet. Yet I keep running into men who are exactly what I want, sometimes to often so. I met Clarkie through a friend almost 4 years ago. We connected instantly as our conversation turned to books. The next 2 hours were spent discussing the merits of this book over that one and that author’s metaphors over this author’s symbolism. We were good friends and slowly became something else; eventually we entered into a quasi relationship. Hearts were broken, relationships were shattered, rebuilt, shattered, rebuilt, and then he married. Our relationship now is at a stalemate. Our lives in two different worlds, a separation from which we cannot push through, but we’ll always have those 3 years together as amazing friends. Then about a year or actually two years ago I met Jeff. He and a friend of mine from HS were together at the time, and we formed a friendship. It was slow at first, but eventually we hit this common ground which I believe sparked our relationship. We to now have this odd relationship, which I value very much. He is a friend, someone who is there for me when in need, someone to laugh with, but he is also this connection that I’ve been missing. He just understands me; at the same time I think I understand him. We talk about things silly, simple, profound, religious, and intellectual. We just click. In the way of romance we’ve crossed the bridge and moved on. We love each other but aren’t in love, happily figured out now instead of later when hearts would be broken, relationships shattered, and then rebuilt. My next guest on the list will never become a best friend, for the sole reason that he isn’t available in that since to the female populace. He is engaged. Our relationship has started at an odd point, I didn’t meet him through a friend, and while I’ve known him for about a year, I really didn’t get to know much about him till this semester when work forced us together. Slowly however our friendship is growing, and I’m struggling to maintain a since of friendship. He’s unavailable which makes it gads easier, but alas his personality has me hooked. It’s odd how often I find myself in relationships of questionable ground. I feel like these past few years have been a roller coaster when it comes to love, and while not bitter, I am slightly distressed. I just want calm and rational for a while. I procrastinate love unlike anyone I know, closing myself off to men if the slightest thing isn’t “correct”. Finally not three weeks before my 23 birthday I had my first kiss, and still I find myself wondering how it happened, what I was thinking, and where to go from here. Relationships are complicated enough without love being a factor, I’m dramatic enough alone without adding to the equation. I sometimes wonder how in the world anyone finds love in this crazy insane mixed up world, and yet as my Grandparents celebrate their 66 wedding anniversary on the 11th, I realize that love while overly complicated, insanely hard to find, and completely unwilling to leave me alone is looking for me, and when the timing is right, I’ll crash into it. Until then, cheers.
Speaking of 66th wedding anniversaries, it’s Fall Break and I’m going home! Today actually, I’m rather excited to be headed to the Ozarks, fall is my favorite season where I’m from. The trees are stunning. The trip should be fun, and it’s a total surprise to my family. On the 11th of October my Papa and Gran will have been married 66 years and my Papa will be 83, on the 12th I’ll be 23 and my beloved puppy Pierre will be 14. Its always been a big time of year at my house, so many things to celebrate. I won’t be home on the those dates, but I’ll be there until Tuesday so although early its still close. My Papa is going to be so thrilled to see me. I can’t wait to surprise him! Anne and I are going to go to Branson for a couple of days and Barbs is getting to go home and see her parents. It should be a total blast to escape Oklahoma for a bit. I plan on having some pictures and updates when I return, so until then!

2006-09-29T17:20:00.000-05:00

I've not updated lately...I have moments where I think, "wow, I really should blog this." I start to lay it out in my head and before I know it I've blogged to God rather than the actual blog, so perhaps nothing is really lost...he's keeping it for me. I found this quote randomly on someones Facebook page today, and it struck me...quite hard actually...

"I thought the present was a safer bet. We can only die in the future, I thought; right now we are always alive." --Amy Hempel

and then on the same page, I saw this quote...which also whammied me...because its exactly true.

"The love I seek is so deep, so faithful and true, I wonder if I will ever find someone that will love me in the way I desire. It goes deeper than passion, but as simple as politeness. I desire understanding, and an unfaltering trust. Someone other than my Father, that I can run to when the world is cruel. Someone who will warm my heart with kindness and firmly speak truth to me in love. Someone that will sit and read with me but will also dance in the rain with me. Love is a funny thing. So often "found" and not kept. Why? Well it is because it was never found, for if it was it would be like a treasure, held tightly and never let go, valued above other things." - A. Steele

2006-09-20T09:12:00.000-05:00

Insanity is amusing...that being said, meet my boyfriend!

It was love at first height *swoon*

Honesty

2006-09-13T10:32:00.000-05:00

My best friend is moving back to Stilly...I should be happy about this...but I feel like mars just landed on my chest...

Life or something like it...

2006-09-10T00:31:00.000-05:00

Tonight Anne and I returned a few movies to the video store. Driving down the streets of Stilly windows down, good music on the radio, my foot up on the dash, head leaned back. Just enjoying the almost full moon and wind in my unbrushed curly hair, it was heaven. Its moments like that I live for. Its pure contentment, the world disappears around me and I am left to enjoy the peace. There has always been something beautiful in simplicity. It’s crazy how many of those moments I experience. I know I write about the sunrise a lot, but it’s another moment of just solid contentment. I could name dozen or so, and it is this, in these moments that I feel God more than any other. When the world ceases to be around me, the cares, worries, stresses, and junk of daily life just dissipate and all that is left is the moment. I feel empty tonight, and its good. To finally hit the point of utter release, and finally have all the air cleared with everything in my life. I just feel like everything is starting to finally pick up. The valley is slowly and steadily turning into a mountain. The darkness is giving into the brilliance of the sun up ahead. I’m optimistic about life, finally. It amazes me to read my personal journal from only 5 months ago. I was a mess, in the simplest terms. A summer full of unconditional love, facing some demons, and having an inner battle with my moral fiber, I’ve come out on top. It seems that the one thing I’ve been really missing in the puzzle has come somersaulting back in my life, through a friend. It’s weird to be reminded of something as obvious as God. It’s more insane to find that the pieces fall together with a little help from the maker of the pieces. For a while I’ve been trying to tell my story, perhaps to myself maybe, or perhaps just to let the old musty past finally air out. The words have been hard, if not completely silent, and I’m still struggling with how to tell it, so for my sake I will write the words as they come and stop obsessing over it. I will warn anyone reading this at this point, you may not want to know the things I’m going to tell, and I ask for no sympathy, I am like anyone else facing something incredible, nothing more. I am who I am because of where I came from. My mom as I’ve written before was troubled. She was looking for life in all the wrong places, and took me along with her. From my birth to her death my life was a wild roller coaster of mostly hellacious events. From her addiction to drugs, alcohol, and men I had to grow up much to fast. My world was a whirlwind of survival. At times I ate ice cubes and sugar for food, because she bought liquor first. I’ve lived all over the US, all between the ages of 1 to 11, some of the places people envy, like Hawaii. From one abusive relationship to another my mom kept looking for someone to save her. I personally have faced the physical and emotional abuse relatively well. I have some physical and emotional walls because of it, but deal with it pretty well. It’s the dark dreams of things that happened to me that I cannot face. It’s the stress induced fear and paranoia that bother me now. This summer I saw the man who hurt me the worst. I’ll call him John, the man who took the abuse somewhere else, somewhere worse than a drunken beating. I have for years doubted things that happened to me, believing that they were no more than realistic nightmares. When I saw him in Wal-Mart on some idle Saturday this summer, I realized my dreams were not just scary fiction, but raving mad reality. I know he saw me too; there was a mild recognition on his face that he knew who I was. I quickly left the store, pounding heart, sweaty palms, and purchases in arms. I got into the car and went to the only truly safe place I’ve ever known, home. My grandfather even at 82 is the strongest man in the world to me. My fearless protector, my guardian angel, and in his presence my mind and heart tell me Satan himself would run with fear. He loves me unabashedly, for all the things I am and am not. He doesn’t know all the sorted details of my childhood, although with 12 years in the police force, and two children both adopted from abusive homes behind his belt, I’m sure he sees the things in me that point them out. He knows, and for that I love him more than ever. I saw this vile man again at wal-mart, with his mother. This man who I fear still today, this man who turns me into a broken terrified child. I ran, I know I looked like I was insane, but I was. I was pushing the cart so fast it made noises of protest, but I still felt trapped. I couldn’t get home fast enough. I hid from the world for a few weeks, and couldn’t sleep, because he waited there. I won’t pretend to be a strong person; indeed I’m anything but. Sometimes I think that I will get counseling, but the idea of ripping open old wounds, of knowing without a doubt that I was sexually abused, to remember and relive it, is to large a mountain to climb. To fully understand it I’ve been told would help me overcome it. I don’t believe I’m really ready to fully know it all. It is odd and perhaps a blessing from God the people who come into my life at the right time. I will not explain the situation to explicitly to protect the privacy of my beloved friend, but right before one of my worst attacks of nightmares, social anxiety, and emotional breakdown she came strolling into my life. She saw it in me even before I could say anything, because she experienced it. She understands completely why I hide away from men and relationships, and has if nothing else showed me the Lords hand in helping to slowly but surely overcoming it all. I see her changing as she tackles step by small step the things that hurt her as a child, a relationship with God prominent in the process of healing. “Meg, when you are ready, God will start the process of facing it…let his love take care of you till then.” It isn’t easy, but slowly I’m tackling it, it’s a long ride, but it’s my ride. I just have to allow myself to believe in the end it was worth it to trudge through a little mud to find a place of peace. I’m anything but a poster child for what a relationship with God should look like, just as I’m anything but perfect, yet I believe that all of it happened to me for a reason, and it is because of this belief that I keep on. That closet with all the skeletons doesn’t have me running so fast anymore, and someday I’m going to open the door and clean it out. Until then its one day at a time.

2006-09-07T15:17:00.000-05:00

Hang on...just a min more...hang on...it will pass, the sun will come up and the day will be new...just hang on.

2006-09-01T10:26:00.000-05:00

Its finally Friday, the week that I’ve almost finished has been at best filled with insanity. The thing is, I’m making it. Last semester defeated me, and I slowly and very visibly disappeared. I stopped caring about school, God, friends, and myself. It’s crazy the difference I see in myself this semester, and that is one thing spurring me on. I’ve never been one to quit. I may take a break, collapse, and sometimes even hide, but I never quit. I always finish. It’s interesting to me how looking back at last semester I only see a large blur, where I should be. I don’t want to be that blur again. I have attended all my classes this week, for the outsider this may seem like a small feat, for me it means that I’m overcoming. I’m here, I’m doing it, and I’m working to make what I want happen. It’s funny how different things are when you are present for them. Today I was walking to work and I realized that I’m ready. I’ve waited a long time for this revelation, this spark of strength. If I can put the words together correctly, make the thoughts sound right, perhaps I’ll tackle my past with the light of the world watching. I seem to feel like people need to know why I am the way I am, why I hide away. I will line it up inside, I will figure it out, I will open the closet of the past and dust it out. The demons waiting there will not control me anymore.

"Go within every day and find the inner strength so that the world will not blow your candle out."
-Katherine Dunham

As I left for work today my dog Willie put his paws on my leg and looked up at me. He didn’t want me to leave him for the day. I rubbed his belly and got up off the sofa and headed for the door. He jumped down and grabbed his toy and stood looking at me...toy hanging out of his mouth, ears perked and eyes large with hope. As I closed the door I saw the hope in his eyes stay. When I get home tonight he will go through Doggy freak out, because the whole day he knew I was coming home, he knew I’d play with him, rub his belly, and be his best friend, but the most important thing, he knew I was coming home…just as I know, I’m going to be okay.

"No matter what our troubles, when the earth turns on its axis one more time and we see what appears to be the sun rising, I feel it's the universe calling for a change in ourselves. You have one more day. Rise with it!" -Oprah Winfrey

Morning...again

2006-08-30T08:01:00.000-05:00

For those people who like me are not into the whole “morning” thing, I have good news. The sunrise can make it all worth while. I’m personally not fond of Oklahoma in general. It’s flat, hot, humid, flat, usually brown, flat, and did I mention flat? I often find myself thinking of where I’d like to attend a grad school or where I’d like to live once I’m done with my undergrad, Oklahoma is not on the list. While I love Stillwater, and Tulsa is like home, Oklahoma offers little else to me. There are moments however, when I think that perhaps Oklahoma would not be so bad a place to stay, they are at sunrise. This morning I was running late, the alarm clock did not seem to get the concept of 5 more minutes and my dog’s bladder did not either. I climbed out of bed with only thoughts of an afternoon nap to ebb my despair at another morning to tackle. After taking the dog out, finding my glasses, and letting the dog back in, I was already behind schedule. So I quickly turned on my straightening iron and began my morning ritual of opening the closet and whining about nothing to wear. After three outfit changes (which is odd for a girl who really only wears t-shirts and jeans) I finally was dressed. I straightened my hair as quickly as possible and to my surprise looked rather nice for a speedy job of it. I put my shoes on, brushed my teeth, grabbed a go tart, and headed out the door. As I approached campus I could see the sun just sneaking through the buildings and trees. I contemplated some things with the blazing orange and yellow sun welcoming me to another day. My usually agitated mood at running late was eased at its welcome and I even slowed my pace to be able to watch it a little longer. Sitting here recalling this morning’s sunrise only brings up memories of the countless sunrises I saw last semester, and how much I needed them. It’s amazing how God seems to give me a boost just when I need it, just when I feel like I can’t seem to tackle one more thing. I have to admit though, that an Oklahoma sunrise is nothing compared to an Ozark’s sunset.

While attempting to fall asleep last night I mulled over things in my head, grad school, moving, love, family, the meaning of being “smart”, and self identity. I seem to keep finding myself contemplating things I cannot answer. I keep reminding myself of the ultimate question from the Hitchhikers Guide, what is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. With that in mind I realize we cannot know…right? I stumbled into a discussion with my roomie Barbs yesterday about our purpose in life, how I don’t know what mine is, but I’m living with the thoughts that I’m supposed to attempt to be a better person, help others, and serve God. With that in mind I’m guaranteed nothing, not even happiness. Yet somehow, even in my insane drama I find it…in the quiet, in the loud, between the lines, in the punctuation, on the mountain, and in the cave. It’s waiting for me, always there, always patient, always willing for me to find it. Stop worrying…stop trying…just be present, just be here.

Home sweet disaster...

2006-08-29T19:51:00.000-05:00

These are pictures of my new room at my new house. I just got a bed, desk, and book shelf...and it still looks like it was hit by a hurricane...thus is life...lol

My bookshelf with just a few books I thought I'd need...ones I've read and can't part with, such as Pride and Prejudice or books I've been meaning to get to...

My overly messy desk...I'm uber unorganized...but for some reason it all works for me.

My Bed! I love it. It was my grandmothers on my step-mom's side of the family...and I have to hop to get into it. It reminds me of the old style beds that had the step so you could climb in easily...I really adore it! The comforter set is new...I bought it on sale...I love uberly large prints and it was black and white :)

My door...I always decorate my door so...odd fetish of mine perhaps?

Contemplative on a Wednesday

2006-08-23T11:01:00.000-05:00

I wanted to write something today about how amazing the past few days have been, and how awed I am by the amazing people in my life. I honestly don’t know where to begin, so instead I’ll put a quote that I feel sums up how I’m feeling about things right now.

"Begin with loss and see how the world contradicts you,
how the horizon implies that beyond it
the water is not empty
but full of ships
all docking at another island."
-Lynn Emanuel

That being said, God and I had a talk last night…it will be the first in a long line of many, after all the call is free.

Would you?

2006-08-21T07:50:00.000-05:00

Would you believe me if I said it was the first day of class? Okay, how about if I said I actually got up to an alarm clock this morning, no? Hmm yeah I don't believe it either...

2006-08-17T21:59:00.000-05:00

I’m rather tired typing this; my eyes feel heavy and are more than doing their fair share to remain open. I feel stretched. Perhaps this feeling can be negative, but for now it’s very positive. Work has been trying and amazing at the same time. I love my job, which is odd considering I make $5.15/hour, but its so people oriented and I’m having so much fun training the new employees. I was scared of messing something up, looking like a complete fool, or better yet falling down flat on my face, however, I’ve done well and I’m proud of myself for it. Tomorrow is the last day of training and I will then be free for the glorious weekend. Monday is the first day of classes and my first official shifts at work. I have a million things to do, but its nice to have.

I’m a little confused about some things right now, mainly men. Its odd how interest in me has suddenly picked up. I keep finding people who want to date me, seemingly out of nowhere. It can be flattering, but my heart and brain are living somewhere else right now, and until I figure out what they are up to I need to stay off the market…

I’m about to climb into my lovely bed, but before I close this entry I want to leave with a quote (I am in love with quotes).
“Being in motion, not knowing what’s going to happen next, not only suits me but has become and unlikely vehicle for faith.” –Holly Morris

Lost in the transition....

2006-08-15T19:40:00.000-05:00

It’s rather funny to imagine that this semester is only a few days away. I feel that I am more than ready to tackle the problems and joys ahead of me in the coming weeks, yet part of me wishes that I could be done with it all. I love learning; there is this electricity in a classroom for me that I don’t get anywhere else. I love my major, the terms, discoveries, and sense it all seems to make to me. It seems as if school has always been my escape from my reality. Even in High School a project could pull me away from the insanity that is common among hormonal teens. College is a freedom far more amazing however and in its tight grip I find many moments of intense happiness. I am starting to see the end of my academic career looming and I am concerned that I’m not ready to be taken from educational bottle. What will I do when I walk on that stage and have my degree and it is all over? Should I go to grad school? Should I just start my life and look for a job? Should I explore the world? There are a million options, but the hourglass is running out of sand.

In another part of my life I find myself searching for answers. I am not sure if I am asking the right questions, but I will get there. Who do I want to be? What do I want to find? What do I expect from others? A friend confronted me the other day in a phone call. She asked why I wasn’t dating and why I didn’t date the men who asked me out. I couldn’t give her any answer that seemed to grasp it all. I feel so young, yet I know what I deserve, and in refusing to settle for second best I’ve chosen to wait for a very long time to really date. Many of the students that I graduated HS with have gotten married and even have children, but I’m certain I’m not ready for that yet. I can’t explain why I don’t date the guys who ask me out other than this feeling I have about them. Some of them are nice enough, if not really great guys. I’ve seen many men come and go from my life these past few years, all of them wanting something from me that I’m unwilling to give. I’m anything but average in the college world. I’m what I call and uber prude. Perhaps I’m deluded to assume that I will get my own fairytale, I don’t expect castles and knights in shinning armor, but I do expect to be considered, loved, respected, and if nothing else understood. Until I find Mr. Right I see no sense in dating every Joe that comes along to pass the time. So in this conversation I just told her, I haven’t met anyone who moves me and is interested.

I’ve been seeking God lately, seeking what he really wants from me. I’ve been hiding from church and the pain it has personally caused me, and hiding from God in the process. I’m not sure what this new adventure with him will show me, I’m not even sure if I’ll be pleased when its done, but I have to take it. I need to know so many things, so my hunt for a church will begin once my transportation becomes available. My hunt for God has already started, and its amazing how he ends up in the small things.

I will begin to chronicle my adventures with getting my chance to study abroad. I want to go to AUS and I intend on doing everything in my power to make it happen. The world awaits me and for to long I’ve not allowed myself to answer its call. As soon as school starts I’m going to talk to the Study Abroad Office and see what I have to do to make this a possibility for next fall. In a year I could be in AUS studying Sociology, how amazing would that be?

So to end a long drawn out entry about nothing, a quote!
“For happiness she required women to walk with. To walk in the city arm in arm with a woman friend (as her mother had with aunts and cousins so many years ago) was just plain essential. Oh! Those long walks and intimate talks, better than standing alone on the most admirable mountain or in the handsomest forest or hay-blown field (all of which were certainly splendid occupations for the wind-starved soul). More important even (though maybe less sweet because of age) than the old walks with boys she’d walked with as a girl...” –Grace Paley

2006-08-12T13:53:00.000-05:00

My zoo...Willie (William T. Riker) my lovely doggie, Crissy (Cryslin) the hamster, and Wesley (Wesley Crusher) the Cat. They are the best pets, chewing, scratching, and noises aside they really do make my house feel like a home. Also the doggie and kitty names might seem familiar to the Trekkie nation :) TNG is my fave...can you tell? hehe

She appears to be invisible....

2006-08-09T13:35:00.000-05:00

I finally have Internet and it goes without saying I think that I’m dancing with joy. Hopefully we won’t have any trouble getting the wireless set up asap. A lot has and honestly hasn’t happened since my last update. I officially moved back to school. I love my house, and my room. Unpacking has been at best an arduous task and I still have not really completed it. My lovely dog and cat are handling the transition rather well, better than I expected. I really should write more, about the trials, the joys, and the interesting things going on with me right now. I can’t help but feel however that I need to keep it to myself…perhaps its because I see myself changing, bending, and walking in a direction I didn’t expect and I need to fathom it, understand it, or at least have a grip on it before I allow the world to peer in. So until I can think of something to say, I’ll leave you with a quote…

"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." -- Rollo May

Southern fried

2006-07-18T20:19:00.000-05:00

With a glass of Sweet Tea by my side and a fan making its repeated whirrings I am finally updating. So many things have occurred in my life lately, so many small things and rather large ones as well. In less than two weeks I will again be living in Oklahoma. Things are rather different this coming year for me, not only in my state of mind, but with my personal life. Our house in Stilly is wonderful, it does not have central heating or air but what it lacks in modern conveniences it makes up for in so many ways. I somehow have ended up with the largest of the three bedrooms, and I will not complain. The back yard is very large and we have a deck, its rather brilliant. While my trip to Oklahoma was wonderful and made me long for my life there very much, there are things to be done yet here in Hillbilly Hallow. I have to finish my cleaning projects, stake my tomato plants so they don’t lean all the way over, pack, and somehow convince my dog and Papa that I am not abandoning them. I’ve been trying very hard to make things happy for them my last few weeks here. I even fried green tomatoes for my Papa, and cooking and I are not friends. I have cooked more this summer than I did all last year, its interesting the things I do for love. As summer ends I find myself preparing for the homesickness that I’ve not felt in a long time, the thought of not having my Papa and my dog is very sad, but I’m still elated that school is so close I can taste it!

The Zoo

2006-06-28T15:25:00.000-05:00

Meet the newest memeber of my zoo...

Albert Baxter...(Baxter for Short)

Note to Self

2006-06-24T13:06:00.000-05:00

It occurred to me today as I walked in the doors of Wally World why one does not go shopping on a Saturday. It was insanely packed, reminiscent of tuna swimming in a net. People everywhere, carts everywhere, screaming children everywhere, and ringing cell phones gone nuts. I am a people person, but not a large crowd cannot get where you need to go person. It took me 45 mins to do what I typically do in 15. Note to self; do not shop at Wally World on a Saturday.

The war has begun....

2006-06-21T19:24:00.000-05:00

I am fighting an inner battle...and the unexpected thing is which side is losing.

Did she say...whispers?

2006-06-21T02:33:00.000-05:00

Its crazy to think that summer is now half way over. It seems like it just started, but at the same time seems like I’ve been home for a while. I’ve noticed that I find myself thinking about what I want out of next semester more and more as the summer begins its downhill slope. I have been journaling more of late on this very subject. What do I want out of fall? It’s going to be an interesting semester to say the least. I’ll be working every single morning, but thankfully not early. A very close friend from high school will be moving in with me, bridging the gap of Missouri Meg and Oklahoma Meg. I intend to make the highest GPA I’ve ever made and plan on getting the ball rolling on a semester abroad in Australia for fall of 07. I want to actually do this college thing and stop just sitting at home every night. I want to date, really date….not just randomly happen into a relationship. I want to go to the cultural dinners, movie nights, theatre shows, and even the drag queen contest. I want to study in the Library to say I’ve done it (nerdy right?) and nap on Library lawn. I want to go out with my friends and see a new movie occasionally. I want so many things, and I know that I have no way of packing it all in, but I’m going to try. I tend to put life on the backburner and work instead. I want to be 22/23 and enjoy it. With all these goals in mind there is only one thing I can do…and that is just go for it.

2006-06-15T16:30:00.000-05:00

How amazing is life sometimes? I feel so surrounded by people, places, moments, and things that make my heart feel the fullest it has in a long while. As I sit here typing my beloved dog is napping next to me, he refuses to leave my side since I've returned home. On the other side of the room Papa is sitting in his chair also napping, unless I change the channel on the television, then he'd be up and "watching" that. The History channel prattles off some information on World War II and the picture I see through the screendoor outside is of the trees swaying in the wind. Its peaceful and its mine. I cannot express the beauty in stillness that occures here everyday, perhaps I have found a joy here that I had forgotten existed. I miss college very much, at times I feel like I'm going to lose my mind here, but then I have moments like this and it makes the crazy need for my life in Oklahoma vanish. At last it is truely summer for me.

Re uh...re...recap?

2006-06-07T21:08:00.000-05:00

For the last week and half I’ve been MIA, and honestly it was nice. I feel like I’ve become addicted to the net in my bored moments, which are many it seems. After a trip to Oklahoma for work, Memorial Day, and my mini-hiking excursion my days have been rather full if I allow myself to actually consider it. The pace however is still much slower than I’m used to and I find myself looking for things to keep my mind occupied. There are a lot of really crappy things going down right now. My best friend is getting married and I can’t go. A chain of events has left me stranded in hillbilly hollow and I will miss his big day. I’m really saddened by this; I love him very much and feel as if I am failing him as a friend by not being there. Anyway I won’t dwell on how bothered I am by that and instead I will get to a happier event. On Monday I went with two of my good friends from hillbilly hollow on a grand adventure. What was initially planed as a three day camping trip, slowly turned more< into a day trip and was a blast. We left around noon and headed to a local Mill/Spring and went hiking. I’ll post a few pictures to show why the Ozarks are one of the most amazing places in the world, but I also have to say I suffered greatly for this adventure. I have a blister a little larger than a dime on my right heel and bug bites all over me, blasted itching, but it was so worth it all. So for your viewing pleasure…the Ozarks in summer.

2006-05-27T10:40:00.000-05:00

Yonked from Cindy

I am heroic couplets; most precise
And fond of order. Planned and structured. Nice.
I know, of course, just what I want; I know,
As well, what I will do to make it so.
This doesn't mean that I attempt to shun
Excitement, entertainment, pleasure, fun;
But they must keep their place, like all the rest;
They might be good, but ordered life is best.

What Poetry Form Are You?

2006-05-24T12:51:00.000-05:00

It has been awhile since I’ve honestly updated, a lot has happened, and hasn’t happened lately. Insane cleaning has been going on in the Hobbit Hole (also knows at my house) and minor traveling to Oklahoma and back. I have insane writers block and am having a very hard time putting words together the way I like. So here are a few excerpts from my journal to just have some form of an entry.

It was sunset again, two years ago, the white sand squished under my toes as we walked. The waves rushed the shore and the seagulls honked their hellos as they passed each other. My stomach danced at the thought of you next to me, and I couldn’t help but want to be near you. I’ll never forget that day, those moments, that trip. I find myself going back there more and more as the summer begins its long stretch, and it is because I miss you. That trip marked our real beginning as friends. I miss random banter and conversations about nothing, how you never look up when you eat your fries from the grill at school, your incessant question asking during a show, how you try to make me listen to music you know I hate, the way people would inject into our conversations, how you look out for me, I just miss my best friend.

I planted flowers today, I dug into the earth and probably killed 1000 worms doing it, but it felt good. The weather was perfect for it, and my Papa sat in a lawn chair just hanging out too. I’ve never grown a plant for real, I have a completely brown thumb, or so I think. There is something beautiful in being apart of life, and this is my first attempt at it. I only hope it works out okay for me, or should I say for the plants.

We went to her grave, just to put flowers on it for mother’s day. Gran got out of the car and walked to the headstone, I wonder what was going through her mind as she stood there staring that grave of her only daughter. She spelled my mom’s name over and over out loud, and turned to me, “Who is this? I’ve never heard of her before.” I felt so helpless, so unsure of what to say. It was a hard moment; I do not wish to relive it with her again.

He brought me breakfast today, biscuits and gravy from his morning haunt. Breakfast he brings with love and with kindness. He knows I spend late nights reading and doesn’t like to wake me in the morning to go with him, “you need your sleep sis.” He always chimes in. How am I so lucky to have a man who loves me more than anything else in his life? He even misses baseball games so I can watch my shows on TV. He truly blesses me everyday, I am the luckiest girl in the world to have Papa like mine.

So that is what they are calling it these days...

2006-05-21T03:53:00.000-05:00

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Meg's Disorder
Cause:	drug abuse
Symptoms:	automatic writing, restlessness, excessive bad poetry
Cure:	psychiatry
Enter your name, for your own diagnosis:

Hmmm this explains so much...

Oh meg...go to bed!

2006-05-15T00:07:00.000-05:00

If I ever happen to have a masters thesis...I'd like to do it over the cultural relevance of burial rather than other methods of body disposal after death....and with that oddity I'm going to bed.

A roundabout

2006-05-12T19:52:00.000-05:00

It will sound silly that I, a 22-year-old woman, feel as if I’m back in High School, but it is true. Coming home was a breath of fresh air, and death warrent at the same time. My longing for the Ozarks is unquenchable, I find myself staring constantly longing to be outside, a rarity for me, yet coming back to small town life was not on the top 1000 list of things to do. Walking through the local Wal-Mart, looking like I’d not ever seen a brush, I ran into several people who I have managed for the past 4 years to see hid nor hair of. People always ask me where I am and what I’m doing and with a congenial smile I reply. I then inquire into their lives, because after it would be rude to not care in the least. The looks on their faces when they see me, I’m not sure if it smug pride that they are still snotty and beautiful, or shock that I, the girl fighting to get out, came back. Overall I spend my life making my own way. Once I leave the town limits I don’t look back, and now I see three months of constant battles with my inner pride over escaping. I have never understood the appeal of living here. Everyone knows your business, your last name makes you, being “good” enough is about whom you marry and when you marry them, and after 7 everything shuts down. Perhaps I create this insane idea of what small town life is really about, but in my mind it has always been and will always be about politics here. Don’t get me wrong; there are a hundred things I love about small town America as well. Its nice to have grown up with the same kids and have those people still be apart of my life, to have had a relationship with my teachers because of smaller class sizes, to have been a star in theater because I had few people to compete with, a country with boundless beauty a stones throw away, and a slower pace of life. It is a paradox being here. To find the freedom that awaits me this summer I have to let go of a lot of things, mainly my Pride. Having Anne here for a few days was pure delight, merging my Oklahoma life with my Missouri life, two pieces of my puzzle that are typically separated. While driving between Branson and my hometown I watched the rain cleanse the landscape and the beauty of this part of the country overtook me. So perhaps this summer isn’t going to be an easy escape, but I’m home.

…the somewhat kinda end.

2006-05-05T04:49:00.000-05:00

It is almost officially the end of my semester. At 11:30 today I am done. I can’t say that this semester will be sorely missed, but College will be. Yesterday was hellacious. I overslept, and woke up to find packing looming. After intense packing, things kept appearing out of nowhere, it was horrifying, Anne returned home at 8pm and I began to load her car, before long we realized that it wasn’t all going to fit. I began to panic. After a lot of issues, my Tulsa roomie Christy came and we loaded up her Liberty to the max. Everything just barely fit, but praise God it fit. She was able to join my friends and I for free pancakes as well, which was just great. After everything was loaded up she headed home, I really do not know what I’d do without her. It seems God has given me a hundred people to make my life easier, because in a pinch there is always someone there to rescue me. When I called my Papa yesterday he was so excited about me being home Sunday he forgot to feel bad for my stress packed day. It was nice to be wanted though, and I can’t say I am not as excited to spend time at home. I have a lot to do, but overall this weekend is almost finished. I leave Stillytown sometime around 5:30 I believe, I’ll then head to the store once in Tulsa and work until around 2:30amish. Saturday I work prob like noon to 6ish maybe…not so sure about that one. After work there I am hoping to unload what is left in Christy’s liberty at some point, but that might happen on Sunday, I’m not sure. Anyway, the weekend is almost finished and I’m excited about a couple of days in Branson with Anne and then summers full fledged power hits me. I had intended on taking some summer courses, but the cost of the spring was more than expected apparently. So I have to go by the Bursars office today and see what I can do to get my holds taken off. I’ll be netless for a bit after Sunday so I will not likely be updating for a awhile. I’m not sure how long it will take me to get the net set up, but I’m not to horribly worried about it right now. I hope everyone’s weekend is terrific and I’ll leave this semester, and everything else with a couple of quotes for a goodbye. Until we meet again, I sign out.

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.”
-Mary Anne Radmacher-Hershey

“If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.”
-Ray Bradbury

Packing

2006-05-04T16:25:00.000-05:00

Packing is Evil...Pure Evil...and on top of that...I have to divide it into what I need to come with me and what needs to stay in Oklahoma for the fall...and needless to say I'm not that orgainized. I have to be packed by 9pm....t-minus four and half hours...and yet I'm still on here...*shakes head* procrastination in my middle name :)

Exhaustion, sweet exhaustion

2006-05-03T07:56:00.000-05:00

I can barely move right now, my motor functions are still sleeping in my cozy bed. I worked a shift yesterday for a friend, from Midnight to 4am, but did not make it home until 5:30am. I did go to bed, but of course I couldn’t fall asleep, that would be too easy. Insomnia continues to plague me. I finally conked out, but was up in a couple of hours to go to my next shift. I went home from work yesterday afternoon hungry and tired. After eating I crashed for another couple of hours of sleep and then back on the ball. My University is amazing sometimes, and with Free Pancakes on finals week they hit a grand slam. Some friends and I all went and had these amazing pancakes and a cup of free soda to go with it. After getting done eating we talked until almost one. After a really awesome time I went home ready for bed, after all I had to be at work at 4am. I lay down, and again could not sleep. I finally fell asleep somewhere around 2:30 which gave me an hour before coming in. I’m so tired, so very tired, but there is no sleep in sight. Today my beloved and dearly missed Navy Brother is coming to visit me. I’m excited; I feel more than a little disconnected from my family these days. Having him here will be awesome, and he gets to meet my roomie. After I get done with work today at 11:30am a big group of us are going to lunch and then my bro and I are going to go to Oklahoma City to see the Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial. We’ve never been so my roomie is going to take us. It will be nice to just spend some time with him. I miss him very much; we used to be very close friends. It’s odd to me how life pulls and pushes people together and apart. I cannot believe another semester is ending in two days. I will begin packing tonight after dinner and Lost with Clarkie, it will be our last. There are a lot of endings this week. I am not sure in my exhausted state I can really handle all the craziness going on, but I do know that where there is an end, there is also a beginning. From sleepless nights to relationships altering and changing this week has been physically, mentally, and emotionally packed. I have to keep running until Sunday when I get to sleep finally. Then I get in the car and for the first time in almost 3 years I move home. As much as I say I hate Oklahoma it has become home. I face a summer I’m really not ready for, but I know more than anything it was meant to happen this way. All the doors are closing, leaving a fresh entrance for fall. For all the maddening failure, Brett and I closing a door and pioneering on as friends, losing my Gran mentally, sleepless nights, tiring days, family feuds, money issues, stalkers, emotional highs and lows, and friendships changing, this semester has not been a waste. Since January I have discovered more about myself, my strengths and my weaknesses. Lord only knows what the next three months will bring me. I have always said I am a Drama Queen, but I think this semester I’ve realized that I’m not the cause of the drama so much. Drama seeks me, and I really don’t think I’d have it any other way. In the end it comes down to risk, and the move Elizabethtown had a great point there, “No true fiasco ever began as a quest for mere adequacy. A motto of the British Special Air Force is: 'Those who risk, win.' A single green vine shoot is able to grow through cement. The Pacific Northwestern salmon beats itself bloody on it's quest to travel hundreds of miles upstream against the current, with a single purpose, sex of course, but also....life.”

Driven?

2006-05-01T05:43:00.000-05:00

What drives you? What in this world causes you to crawl from blissful slumber into the hectic traffic jam of life? This is something I’ve been thinking about very seriously lately. What drives me? What am I living for? Life it seems is a routine for most adults, myself included. It consists of monthly bills, daily responsibilities, and life long commitments. Yet there has to be something underneath it all, an inner force of will. Last night as I attempted to fall asleep my mind wandered over a few hundred things and I at last cried. Overwhelmed by more than I could handle I lay there in a mess of wet pillow, teddy bear, and blanket, heaving in large gasps of air. Once the tears finally stopped I sat up and leaned against my wall, Snockers in hand. The only sound in my room was the whirring of my fan and the faint sound of music. I listened to the almost silence, and took a deep breath. The coolness of the wall seeped into my back as I sat there starring into the darkness of my room. I sat there for mins or hours I’m not sure, I was unthinking, unfeeling, unmoving. When I finally emerged from this odd state I picked up my journal and began to read the entries of this semester. One by one, word for word I found something missing. I’d often speak in the writings of a desire to see the world, live history, find myself, grow stronger, find my missing compass, meet love head on, face fate, or just simply relax in a quiet wood. Staring at me splattered across the pages, bare and bold, lacking nothing of myself in those words, I discovered something alive, breathing, and growing, but also lacking. I am moving, but right now I am in a darkened valley where the clouds cover the sun. I’ve allowed myself to wander off course, and this wandering lead me to a valley more powerful than any I’ve ever been in. It sucked the life from me, took away my bliss, my pride, my beauty, my inner voice, and my relationship with the one person (God) who could save me from it. For a long time I’ve been so busy trying to be “whole” I let the most important piece to the puzzle go unnoticed in the box. Now I sit in the middle of the valley without the one thing I need, God. What drives me? What in this world causes me to crawl from blissful slumber into the hectic traffic jam of life?

Psalm 139:13-16 (New International Version)
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Confessions from a Broken Moment

2006-04-28T05:25:00.000-05:00

Excerpt from my journal 4/27/06
Words are forever. Words do not care who you are, where you are from, what you did, words do not change. I said it, I felt it, I meant it, and I cannot change it. I live a sheltered existence, surrounded by a shell of my own creating. My wants, my fears, my needs, and my easily damaged self hide waiting inside. I can block out others, but how do I block out myself? I was mortified, in a moment everything I understood was changed. I felt the carpet jerk but had no time to prepare for the floor’s strong catch. I sat there, stunned. The alarms sounded inside, “Save yourself! Run!” and I obeyed. I could not answer you, I could not answer myself. Thousands of thoughts and questions raced through my mind in that moment between your paragraph and your question. I racked my brain for anything to say, anything to respond, anything to save my pride or make me less vulnerable, and nothing came. I went to bed unsure of myself, I woke up angry. A hundred moments, all came back when I opened my eyes from bleary sleep. I laid there unsure of the feeling that was rising in me. I spent the day trying not to focus on my anger, but the silent rage of the Monday weather spurred my inner storm. How would I say it, how would I explain, how would I finally tell you how hurt and angry I was. My pride all of it shattered to the floor, unswept, cut me with each memory of you. I tried to silence the memories, to think of anything else, but all I could do was think of all the chances you had to recant, to tell me how you really felt. I sat on the porch while the weather pounded Tulsa and watched the calm turn into a violent storm, and I raged with it. I sit here now unsure of how to tell you what I am feeling, how your friendship means the world to me, but how I feel as if I’m wandering with you. I do not know what to say, how to say it, or how to ask. I tried tonight in vain attempt to say something, to ask, to tell, to speak of the unspeakable moment. It has created some odd rift between us. Still in random moments I remember something of you and me and fume silently, I was angry with myself at first, thinking what a mistake I must have made. Surely I had assumed too much, I misunderstood you, mistook what you said and what a fool I was, but it was not me was it? I was blatantly open, so completely vulnerable, and so bare. You had to know how I felt; I said it a hundred times. In my words, in my actions, in everything and I would have been fine at no, fine with not what I want had you said it. Why did you not say it? I am not okay, I’m wandering lost, but I will be. I had no way to say it to you, I care too much to stare at your silence and wait for your response. I miss you, and I won’t lie about it. I do not expect answers, and I understand if you never give them. I do not expect to discuss it, or even acknowledge it. I do not expect you to feel the same as me or want the same things that I do. I’ve been here before, at least once before. He is now my best friend, and I am certain we too will overcome if we try. I will be distant for awhile, lost in myself. I will be closed off and hard to talk to. I will protect myself from you, but things will soften, they always do. The real question is if you are willing to wait? Does my friendship mean that much? To finally answer your question from that night, yes.

Yonked

2006-04-27T14:55:00.000-05:00

Yonked from Cindy

You Should Be a Joke Writer

-You're totally hilarious, and you can find the humor in any situation.
-Whether you're spouting off zingers, comebacks, or jokes about life...
-You usually can keep a crowd laughing, and you have plenty of material.
-You have the makings of a great comedian - or comedic writer.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Computer Lab this is Meg, how can I help you?

2006-04-26T05:44:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was complete and utter chaos and I loved every single second of it. After a semester of nothing, just me and my laptop spending every evening in a world physically alone, I finally have regained a sense of why I fill my life up to the top with things. I love it! I complain, whine, get frustrated, and poke fun at myself for it, but I need it. When I am going 90 to nothing with just me and the day of insanity ahead I feel like I’m going somewhere, getting something done. Lately I’ve been so bored, mentally and physically. I keep thinking that this is what broke me, the need for a million things going at once, but it feels so complete to be busy, to have a life. Yesterday I regained a piece of me that I left at the door in January and it is nice to have it back. I had a big meeting/party for work. Every semester all the computer assistants, their team leaders, and the lab manager gets together. We all bring a dish and do a potluck dinner. With all the international students working in the labs it’s an adventure for the palette. At the last event, my first, I was thrust into a leadership role, a semester later I have no trouble with it. I socialized with the other compy geeks and of course met some new people and touched base with some old friends. It was fun. After the eating we all went and signed up for fall shifts. Under my direction (yay power ;) ) my CA’s (compy asst) signed up and socialized. It went rather smoothly and I gained about two CA’s to my team. I’m excited for the fall now more than ever. No more 4 am shifts for me. Rather I’m working Monday through Friday from 7:30 to 11:30 and Tuesday from like 12:00 to 2ish. Just a tinge over the hours I need to pay bills. After all the CA’s left, it was just me, Steph (manager), and another team leader who I’ll call Bill. It was a lot of fun; we cleaned up, joked, talked about serious things like politics (oddly enough), and our future dating service for compy geeks everywhere. As Bill and I were discussing this serious stuff, like perception and what it means to be a “nice” person, he complimented me big time by telling me I was the nicest person he’d ever met. Considering this guy is like the ultimate guy (although he has no idea), handsome beyond reason, 4.0 GPA intelligent, super kind, well traveled, witty, well spoken, helpful, very well kept, and has an accent to die for, it was pretty special. Did I mention handsome? Needless to say I have a great time when he is around, he’s a pretty stellar guy, and the object of many a late night conversation between Steph and I. It was all a blast. I needed it more than I can say. This week is packed, my laptop may just feel a tad abandoned as today brings dinner and Lost with Clarkie, tomorrow I am going to a huge thing here on campus with Steph, Friday roomie and I are headed to a movie and then perhaps having a party at home. Overall I’m packed, I’m busy, and I’m finally free of the doldrums.

Lost and Found Congeries

Who’s Your Daddy?

A Long Winding Road

In-Laws are becoming Out-Laws

Found, I think.

Green

Searching through the Mess

Time to Blog Again

Love and Marriage

A Year in Review

Found....again

hehehehe...*sigh*

My Pookey

Another rambling post...

The ideals of life, love, and an average 23 year old

First Day of Classes

Have you buckled your swash?

Relaxing

An exciting day for Egypt!

Summer in Oklahoma

Update and such

Overcooked and Underdressed

this weeks top 40 #1 hit goes too...

um...what was that again?

Untitled...

Its just that...

Amen

Missing

A run in with the Mirror...

Valentines Day

Sometimes she dreams in color...

Its been a while...

When in Rome: Nickel Creek

Work-a-holic = pooped Meg

On this...the first day of class for Spring 07

Amused...

Motivation

An update and the like...

Honesty

Life or something like it...

Morning...again

Home sweet disaster...

Contemplative on a Wednesday

Would you?

Lost in the transition....

She appears to be invisible....

Southern fried

The Zoo

Note to Self

The war has begun....

Did she say...*whispers*?

Re uh...re...recap?

So that is what they are calling it these days...

Oh meg...go to bed!

A roundabout

…the somewhat kinda end.

Packing

Exhaustion, sweet exhaustion

Driven?

Confessions from a Broken Moment

Yonked

Computer Lab this is Meg, how can I help you?

hehehehe...sigh

Did she say...whispers?