Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Who’s Your Daddy?
Sometimes I wish I had the guts to ask for what I need. It takes a lot of courage to do that though. It takes even more to express yourself to someone with whom you desire a relationship. For a long time I’ve wanted desperately to have a relationship with my former step-dad. If nothing more than a simple exchanging of stories about our lives together; I finally find him, after years of desire for it, and we seem to be at a stalemate. I’ve sent him several messages on Facebook, in an attempt to spark conversation. He seemed, when I talked to him on the phone to want to talk to me, to know me, to be a part of my life. He seemed interested. Now though I can’t seem to get a response. Today he posted on an old picture of me, my mom, and my Papa, yet hasn’t answered my messages. I know he knows how, and I know he at least has been semi willing to do so in the recent past. Maybe I’m to blame; perhaps I’m behaving like men say women do. Hint dropping, mind reading, expecting my desire for a relationship to be obvious, when in fact he’s just as scared and just as unsure about how to proceed. How do we proceed? The last time I think we saw each other I was probably 6, which was a good 21 years ago. Obviously I’m a woman, I’m married, I watched his ex-wife run her life into the ground, I’ve seen both my Grandparents, the people who raised me pass away as well. I have a relationship with my biological father, though sometimes it is a struggle. I need to be empathetic to his feelings, the confusion, joy, sadness, and anything else he could feel, but how? How can I attempt to be that for him, when I’m so lost as well? What if I’m giving him feelings he really doesn’t have? What if he honestly doesn’t give a flying poo if I am alive and well? What if he just doesn’t know how to tell me? Part of me says, Meg just jump of this bridge, at worst he wants nothing of you. I just don’t know how! I don’t know how to be okay with the possibility of losing the one person alive that can tell me about my life as a child. Where do I go from here?
Sunday, August 29, 2010
A Long Winding Road
So much to say, and also so little…I’ve been married over a year now, and what a year it’s been. Papa’s been gone over a year now, and how much I still miss him.
I’ll start with my Anxiety. Not long after the wedding, which was only a month after Papa died, I had to begin the process of finding a new Psychiatrist. I finally found one, but it wasn’t a pleasant experience. She refused to give me the same meds I’d been on for at least a year, meds that were working for me. In the end she actually didn’t even treat my anxiety and put me on a medication that was causing suicidal thoughts. I left this Psychiatrist treatment and have yet to find another one. For a little over a year now, I haven’t been medicated. My anxiety has at points been so bad that I do not leave the house. Currently I’m on an upswing and am able to get out. At first I attempted to work, and all that lead to was more anxiety and severe panic attacks. I am hoping to be medicated soon, and to finally begin to live my life outside the walls of our house.
School, has been its own bag of drama. When Papa died I was able to get an extension on my semester, however there was some sort of miscommunication that I had 6 weeks to complete my courses when in fact I only had two weeks. There was also a grade policy, anything lower than a C on any coursework I’d fail the class. I got a D on a 10point quiz, and was also unable to complete a very extensive final project in such a short time span. I failed my courses and the school will gladly let me continue, but I have pay for a semester out of pocket without federal aid to up my grades. So for now, I’m not in school. I do some graphic design freelance work, but I’m not sure what I’m going to do about this school. I’m tired of failure, so for now I’m taking a break.
Papa died at such an awful time. We were a month out from my Wedding. I got a phone call from my cousin basically telling me that he was really sick. He had been hiding how badly he was feeling from me, she told me to come home. Standing in my room, I started crying, I think I knew this was the end. He was projectile vomiting, and couldn’t hold any food or fluids down. So I called Chase and packed. We took off immediately and headed to the Hospital in Springfield. The next few days were horrible. Papa was sick, very sick. He had some sort of blockage which was causing the vomiting. They needed to do exploratory surgery, but the doctors didn’t want to. It took them 3 days to tell us that he was dying. I am extremely lucky that I got to see him lucid several times, including just maybe 8 hours before he died. Sitting watching Bonanza and doing a word search from my Papa Hospital Kit. We had issues with the doctors giving him meds that made him hallucinate. I was the only one he’d listen to, and he even told Herb my uncle/brother via adoption to get the hell out while this was going on. We hadn’t left the hospital in days and weren’t really sleeping. I took the opportunity when no one was in the room to climb into bed with him. I laid my head on his tummy and curled up next to him, just like when I was a little girl. I told him everything I felt I needed to say. How much I loved him, how much he’d meant to me, and always would. How I’d never taken him for granted, even though I know he felt like that. That I knew he’d always be with me, and that he could go home and be with Mom, Gran, his parents, all his siblings and friends. At one point I was trying to comfort him, his blood pressure had dropped really low and the nurse thought he might be about to die. I told him, “I love you Papa.” And he reached up and hugged me. After a while the palliative care nurse came in and spoke with us about what would be best for him and most comfortable as he died. She removed the oxygen mask and put Nasal cannulas in, and turned off his IV bag except for the pain meds. The nurse told us he could go at any time, to be prepared. She, my cousins, and Herb went to the nurses’ station. I was on the bed holding his hand and talking to him. In the time it took them to walk to the Nurses Station, just outside the door, I watched him die. I’m not sure what alerted them to him having just passed, I was frozen. My cousin came in and started wailing. The nurse was shocked it happened so fast. The family consensus seems to be that when he hugged me he was saying goodbye and ready to go. The nurse informed us the oxygen which was cranked to the highest setting had been forcing him to breathe even though his body likely didn’t want it, or else he’d not have passed so quickly. The next few days are honestly are a blur. He was buried before I could blink and this man who was my everything was gone. The next 8 months were hell. I had to go to my home and begin going through and trashing his and my grandmothers lives. Herb and I didn’t see eye to eye on anything, per the usual. It led to loud screaming fights, nights in hotels, and general crankiness and unhappiness. Yet through it all Chase supported me, fought for me, and loved me. I found wonderful things, like my Papa’s WWII Uniform, photos, marriage licenses, his Parachute rigging diploma from the War, and a million other amazing things that belonged to them and even my mother. I cleaned out my bedroom, and walked away from the only home I’d ever known. By the end of July the house was sold, and Herb and I received our inheritance. I feel like Herb only wanted the money, and since Papa died he has been basically absent from his side of the family. Our fights were generally over the value of things, like all those amazing things I found. He wanted me to trash them. Honestly though my inheritance is not in the things or any money but, in the woman my grandparents raised me to be; the memories, love, support, and joy that those two people brought into my life. Today I still find it hard to breathe sometimes when I think about Papa. Mostly though I find that my tears of sorrow are starting to become tears of joy at the memory of him, I still have a long road, the grief is still here, but it has begun to ebb.
In August of last year we moved into a trailer on the edge of town. It is really nice and much larger than our apartment. It’s taken me about a year to get up the nerve and will to begin going through boxes of hastily packed possessions of my grandparents. The house is full of open boxes right now, as I actually choose what to keep and what to throw away. It’s been hard, and my house right now is almost a shrine to them. I believe though in the next month I will have finally gotten it all done, at least what isn’t being stored at Chase’s grandparents. It’s a 3 bed 2 full bath home, and we have enough room for everything we own. It’s been a great place to live and we’re staying thankfully!
Marriage has been exciting, scary, and really really hard. In this last year, Chase and I have faced a million challenges, from dishes to death. We’ve had to learn to communicate, how to express anger, love, and many other emotions; how to share money, responsibility, and a bathroom. I’d have to say that I love him more now than I did the day I married him. We’ve overcome more than most couples have to so soon and survived it. He’s had to stand up for me to his family as my anxiety controls our lives. I’ve had to choose to love those certain members of his family as they choose to try and push us apart. Overall though this last year, with all its ups and downs has been the most amazing thing. God gave me a support system just as I lost my Papa. I can’t speak for him but I believe he feels just as strongly about me as I do him…call it a hunch lol.
Overall I’d say this last year has been insane. Though looking back through my entries, it’s not unusual for my life to anything less than a wild ride. In the end I wake up every day and just try to get through it. Some days are good, and I can walk out my front door. I’ve accomplished a Trip to Washington DC, though it wasn’t without its “challenges” with my anxiety. I survived a trip to be with my Sister-in-law in case she went into labor before her family could be with her, while my brother was out to sea. Which was also interesting; had she not been as pregnant as she was, we’ll I’d have died. She liked to leave the house, and I well…don’t. There are things I desire, like life outside the house, but I know what I’m capable of and I try to push that as much as possible. Someday, hopefully soon, I’ll have my life back, until then I’m going to enjoy the amazing man I’m married to, the wonderful friends I have, being an aunt, and being a Child of God. Maybe if I’m lucky, before another year has passed I’ll have amazing news about my job, life anxiety controlled, and perhaps being on the road to motherhood.
Until I write again, this is sporadically blogging Meg signing out.
I’ll start with my Anxiety. Not long after the wedding, which was only a month after Papa died, I had to begin the process of finding a new Psychiatrist. I finally found one, but it wasn’t a pleasant experience. She refused to give me the same meds I’d been on for at least a year, meds that were working for me. In the end she actually didn’t even treat my anxiety and put me on a medication that was causing suicidal thoughts. I left this Psychiatrist treatment and have yet to find another one. For a little over a year now, I haven’t been medicated. My anxiety has at points been so bad that I do not leave the house. Currently I’m on an upswing and am able to get out. At first I attempted to work, and all that lead to was more anxiety and severe panic attacks. I am hoping to be medicated soon, and to finally begin to live my life outside the walls of our house.
School, has been its own bag of drama. When Papa died I was able to get an extension on my semester, however there was some sort of miscommunication that I had 6 weeks to complete my courses when in fact I only had two weeks. There was also a grade policy, anything lower than a C on any coursework I’d fail the class. I got a D on a 10point quiz, and was also unable to complete a very extensive final project in such a short time span. I failed my courses and the school will gladly let me continue, but I have pay for a semester out of pocket without federal aid to up my grades. So for now, I’m not in school. I do some graphic design freelance work, but I’m not sure what I’m going to do about this school. I’m tired of failure, so for now I’m taking a break.
Papa died at such an awful time. We were a month out from my Wedding. I got a phone call from my cousin basically telling me that he was really sick. He had been hiding how badly he was feeling from me, she told me to come home. Standing in my room, I started crying, I think I knew this was the end. He was projectile vomiting, and couldn’t hold any food or fluids down. So I called Chase and packed. We took off immediately and headed to the Hospital in Springfield. The next few days were horrible. Papa was sick, very sick. He had some sort of blockage which was causing the vomiting. They needed to do exploratory surgery, but the doctors didn’t want to. It took them 3 days to tell us that he was dying. I am extremely lucky that I got to see him lucid several times, including just maybe 8 hours before he died. Sitting watching Bonanza and doing a word search from my Papa Hospital Kit. We had issues with the doctors giving him meds that made him hallucinate. I was the only one he’d listen to, and he even told Herb my uncle/brother via adoption to get the hell out while this was going on. We hadn’t left the hospital in days and weren’t really sleeping. I took the opportunity when no one was in the room to climb into bed with him. I laid my head on his tummy and curled up next to him, just like when I was a little girl. I told him everything I felt I needed to say. How much I loved him, how much he’d meant to me, and always would. How I’d never taken him for granted, even though I know he felt like that. That I knew he’d always be with me, and that he could go home and be with Mom, Gran, his parents, all his siblings and friends. At one point I was trying to comfort him, his blood pressure had dropped really low and the nurse thought he might be about to die. I told him, “I love you Papa.” And he reached up and hugged me. After a while the palliative care nurse came in and spoke with us about what would be best for him and most comfortable as he died. She removed the oxygen mask and put Nasal cannulas in, and turned off his IV bag except for the pain meds. The nurse told us he could go at any time, to be prepared. She, my cousins, and Herb went to the nurses’ station. I was on the bed holding his hand and talking to him. In the time it took them to walk to the Nurses Station, just outside the door, I watched him die. I’m not sure what alerted them to him having just passed, I was frozen. My cousin came in and started wailing. The nurse was shocked it happened so fast. The family consensus seems to be that when he hugged me he was saying goodbye and ready to go. The nurse informed us the oxygen which was cranked to the highest setting had been forcing him to breathe even though his body likely didn’t want it, or else he’d not have passed so quickly. The next few days are honestly are a blur. He was buried before I could blink and this man who was my everything was gone. The next 8 months were hell. I had to go to my home and begin going through and trashing his and my grandmothers lives. Herb and I didn’t see eye to eye on anything, per the usual. It led to loud screaming fights, nights in hotels, and general crankiness and unhappiness. Yet through it all Chase supported me, fought for me, and loved me. I found wonderful things, like my Papa’s WWII Uniform, photos, marriage licenses, his Parachute rigging diploma from the War, and a million other amazing things that belonged to them and even my mother. I cleaned out my bedroom, and walked away from the only home I’d ever known. By the end of July the house was sold, and Herb and I received our inheritance. I feel like Herb only wanted the money, and since Papa died he has been basically absent from his side of the family. Our fights were generally over the value of things, like all those amazing things I found. He wanted me to trash them. Honestly though my inheritance is not in the things or any money but, in the woman my grandparents raised me to be; the memories, love, support, and joy that those two people brought into my life. Today I still find it hard to breathe sometimes when I think about Papa. Mostly though I find that my tears of sorrow are starting to become tears of joy at the memory of him, I still have a long road, the grief is still here, but it has begun to ebb.
In August of last year we moved into a trailer on the edge of town. It is really nice and much larger than our apartment. It’s taken me about a year to get up the nerve and will to begin going through boxes of hastily packed possessions of my grandparents. The house is full of open boxes right now, as I actually choose what to keep and what to throw away. It’s been hard, and my house right now is almost a shrine to them. I believe though in the next month I will have finally gotten it all done, at least what isn’t being stored at Chase’s grandparents. It’s a 3 bed 2 full bath home, and we have enough room for everything we own. It’s been a great place to live and we’re staying thankfully!
Marriage has been exciting, scary, and really really hard. In this last year, Chase and I have faced a million challenges, from dishes to death. We’ve had to learn to communicate, how to express anger, love, and many other emotions; how to share money, responsibility, and a bathroom. I’d have to say that I love him more now than I did the day I married him. We’ve overcome more than most couples have to so soon and survived it. He’s had to stand up for me to his family as my anxiety controls our lives. I’ve had to choose to love those certain members of his family as they choose to try and push us apart. Overall though this last year, with all its ups and downs has been the most amazing thing. God gave me a support system just as I lost my Papa. I can’t speak for him but I believe he feels just as strongly about me as I do him…call it a hunch lol.
Overall I’d say this last year has been insane. Though looking back through my entries, it’s not unusual for my life to anything less than a wild ride. In the end I wake up every day and just try to get through it. Some days are good, and I can walk out my front door. I’ve accomplished a Trip to Washington DC, though it wasn’t without its “challenges” with my anxiety. I survived a trip to be with my Sister-in-law in case she went into labor before her family could be with her, while my brother was out to sea. Which was also interesting; had she not been as pregnant as she was, we’ll I’d have died. She liked to leave the house, and I well…don’t. There are things I desire, like life outside the house, but I know what I’m capable of and I try to push that as much as possible. Someday, hopefully soon, I’ll have my life back, until then I’m going to enjoy the amazing man I’m married to, the wonderful friends I have, being an aunt, and being a Child of God. Maybe if I’m lucky, before another year has passed I’ll have amazing news about my job, life anxiety controlled, and perhaps being on the road to motherhood.
Until I write again, this is sporadically blogging Meg signing out.
Monday, February 15, 2010
In-Laws are becoming Out-Laws
I'm so tired of being a doorstop. I fought for my freedom with my family, and it was hard won; but with my Hubs family I feel that I can't just say, "I'm out." The answer is simple, but I can't choose to do it, and I feel guilty even thinking about it being done. I don't understand how Papa was able to stay out of my choices so well, perhaps it was the distance from him and my daily life...whatever the case I need that space back. If they hate how we live SO much, they can just leave us alone.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Found, I think.
I have something unbelievable to write; after more than a decade of looking I found my ex-step-dad. I have been looking for answers to my childhood for a long time. The only person left who really knows anything about it, at least a very specific time frame of it, is my step-dad. I tried a people search company, internet searches, and stalking Classmates.com. What I couldn’t do in years, facebook did in fewer than 2 mins. The crazy thing is how scared I was once I found him. It took time for me to build up the courage to send him a message, but I did. At first everything seemed to be going well. He seemed receptive to me and the fact that I had questions. I made it clear I had no expectations from him. I didn’t want him to feel like after all these years I wanted him to be my dad or give me money. I just want answers, stories, knowledge of my life when he was a part of it. I spent that first day scanning photos of so he could seem them. He liked that, and asked for more. I obliged. He asked for my phone number, and I gave it to him. It’s been almost a week and I’ve heard nothing from him. I’m trying to be optimistic, to not put pressure on this, to not have expectations; but I’m a fast mover. I was hoping he’d be willing to jump right in and start conversation. I am fine with text, I’m fine with being nothing more than memories to this man, but he doesn’t seem to feel the same way. I don’t know if he’s hesitant because he wants more or if he wants nothing. I’m afraid. I’m worried something I’ve wanted and waited for all this time is slipping away. What do I do? Wait? Pursue him? I am lost and clueless.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Green
I'm jealous. I hate myself for it, but I am. I'm tired of being sick, I'm tired of crying every time I see a baby, I'm tired of dreaming of children I may never have, and more than that I'm tired of being this selfish person who can't feel happiness for her blessed friends and family.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Saturday, August 01, 2009
Searching through the Mess
So after years of "collecting" games, movies, music, documents, pictures, and other random computer space clogging items...I'm purging? No not purging, attempting to reorganize is probably a better way to put it. I have so many pictures that I've burned to Cd's, backed up on externals, and uploaded to the net, that I'm swimming in duplicates and quadruplet copies of some and only one of others. It's enough to make me go cross eyed. By the same token I have triple the amount of the music and multiple copies of all of it. So I'm reorganizing it all...I think lol. We'll see how long my computer spring cleaning lasts.
Today was grilling day, and the food turned out really good. Chase did a good job of cooking the burgers and hot dogs, and by the time we'd finished eating we were all stuffed. Tomorrow is a bit of a cleaning day I think, I am going to go into the spare room and at least pick up and clean the carpet.
It's been pretty nostalgic going back through all my old photos and seeing how much my life has changed over the last few years. I think I'll post some kind of photo montagish thing with pics of Papa, Pierre, Gran, Willie, maybe some friends, and me. I think I'll attempt that later on in the day though...I'm getting glares from the Hubby for being up so late. Guess I'll try to get some sleep!
Today was grilling day, and the food turned out really good. Chase did a good job of cooking the burgers and hot dogs, and by the time we'd finished eating we were all stuffed. Tomorrow is a bit of a cleaning day I think, I am going to go into the spare room and at least pick up and clean the carpet.
It's been pretty nostalgic going back through all my old photos and seeing how much my life has changed over the last few years. I think I'll post some kind of photo montagish thing with pics of Papa, Pierre, Gran, Willie, maybe some friends, and me. I think I'll attempt that later on in the day though...I'm getting glares from the Hubby for being up so late. Guess I'll try to get some sleep!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Time to Blog Again
10 Things That Happened This Week: A re-entry into actually writing something!
1. No WoW (World of Warcraft) for 10 days till we buy our next round of subscription cards. Yes, I'm a nerd that plays WoW lol. It's kinda sad actually cause Chase (my Hubby) and I talk while he is at work on the game. Not to mention some of my really good friends play and I won't get to goof around with them for a bit. I also am losing some Titansteel cooldowns...like I said...Nerd!
2. I gave my Willie Dog a hair cut. It was uber badly needed, now if only I could get Scrappy (my other doggie) to sit still and not be scared of the trimmer.
It's so much more cost efficient for me to trim them, but for some reason Scrappy isn't having it.
3. Made Steak dinner in the skillet. I was actually impressed by how well it turned out. My cooking skills are usually very limited to breakfast foods and things from a box. The steak was tender and it wasn't over cooked! So yay for cooking success :)
4. Weekly In-Law visit. Every Thursday we go out to Chase's grandparents for dinner and a visit. It's also where we can get a free load of laundry in lol. I actually enjoy going out there. I love Chase's Grandparents, they seem to really have accepted me and love me too.
5. Started playing an MMO called City of Heroes. It's pretty fun, but really the best part is that several of my friends play. It's nice to have a group of friends into Gaming. I made a superhero who casts fire magic and can fly woot!
6. Attempting to get the apt ready for a friend to come stay with us for a bit. Lots of cleaning and organizing to do, but I keep putting it off. I'm a major procrastinator like that. I'm hoping while she is here though we can get a game of DnD going. I miss playing more than I like to admit.
7. Trying to get the stuff together to get our Family Bible started. I got it from the funeral home when Papa died. It has his name and information in it. Herbie (my Uncle) got the Flag from his funeral so I got the bible. I want to get some information in it and put it up somewhere safe. It's actually pretty cool, it has a place for your wedding invite, program, and a place to put pictures.
8. Unpacked some of our wedding gifts finally. Getting the kitchen organized was the biggest thing, its nice to have my China and all the kitchen utensils put away and ready to use. (the plate in the picture is dirty which is why there is a spot in the center of it lol)
9. Attempting to get the newish comp set up and usable. I'm disliking the lack of docs, Office, and pictures to access. I need to get everything uploaded on here before to much longer.
10. Having a cookout today, gonna have some friends over for Burgers and such. Should be fun. I bet we'll spend most of our time on electronic devices though lol.
1. No WoW (World of Warcraft) for 10 days till we buy our next round of subscription cards. Yes, I'm a nerd that plays WoW lol. It's kinda sad actually cause Chase (my Hubby) and I talk while he is at work on the game. Not to mention some of my really good friends play and I won't get to goof around with them for a bit. I also am losing some Titansteel cooldowns...like I said...Nerd!
2. I gave my Willie Dog a hair cut. It was uber badly needed, now if only I could get Scrappy (my other doggie) to sit still and not be scared of the trimmer.
It's so much more cost efficient for me to trim them, but for some reason Scrappy isn't having it.3. Made Steak dinner in the skillet. I was actually impressed by how well it turned out. My cooking skills are usually very limited to breakfast foods and things from a box. The steak was tender and it wasn't over cooked! So yay for cooking success :)
4. Weekly In-Law visit. Every Thursday we go out to Chase's grandparents for dinner and a visit. It's also where we can get a free load of laundry in lol. I actually enjoy going out there. I love Chase's Grandparents, they seem to really have accepted me and love me too.
5. Started playing an MMO called City of Heroes. It's pretty fun, but really the best part is that several of my friends play. It's nice to have a group of friends into Gaming. I made a superhero who casts fire magic and can fly woot!
6. Attempting to get the apt ready for a friend to come stay with us for a bit. Lots of cleaning and organizing to do, but I keep putting it off. I'm a major procrastinator like that. I'm hoping while she is here though we can get a game of DnD going. I miss playing more than I like to admit.7. Trying to get the stuff together to get our Family Bible started. I got it from the funeral home when Papa died. It has his name and information in it. Herbie (my Uncle) got the Flag from his funeral so I got the bible. I want to get some information in it and put it up somewhere safe. It's actually pretty cool, it has a place for your wedding invite, program, and a place to put pictures.
8. Unpacked some of our wedding gifts finally. Getting the kitchen organized was the biggest thing, its nice to have my China and all the kitchen utensils put away and ready to use. (the plate in the picture is dirty which is why there is a spot in the center of it lol)
9. Attempting to get the newish comp set up and usable. I'm disliking the lack of docs, Office, and pictures to access. I need to get everything uploaded on here before to much longer.
10. Having a cookout today, gonna have some friends over for Burgers and such. Should be fun. I bet we'll spend most of our time on electronic devices though lol.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Love and Marriage
At first I was going to write a blog in the spirit I’m in right now, which is under medicated. Instead I think I’ll leave the emotional details of losing my Papa and the whining about having a hard time finding a job for later. Love and Marriage!
So I finally tied the knot. I’m now a Mrs. Kind of odd to say that lol. I actually went today and got my new driver’s license and Social Security Card. My wedding was good; though it went so fast I barely remember a lot of it. I tried hard to make the day about things that were very Chase and I. Star Trek, Hitchhikers Guide, Zelda Cake, and Rick Rollin’ everyone at the reception. It was a small wedding, but people came! That was my biggest fear that no one would come. I took a lot of flak for the sheer size of my wedding party, but those girls were very important to me, and I wanted them to be a part of my special day. Married life is good; it’s really not that different, at least not to me. I get to spend every day with my best friend, just the way I like it. We’re struggling, trying to join our lives, our habits, and our laundry lol, but we love each other and seem to come out of most messes fairly well. I’ll post some pics and the video of our rick roll as soon as I find them lol.
So I finally tied the knot. I’m now a Mrs. Kind of odd to say that lol. I actually went today and got my new driver’s license and Social Security Card. My wedding was good; though it went so fast I barely remember a lot of it. I tried hard to make the day about things that were very Chase and I. Star Trek, Hitchhikers Guide, Zelda Cake, and Rick Rollin’ everyone at the reception. It was a small wedding, but people came! That was my biggest fear that no one would come. I took a lot of flak for the sheer size of my wedding party, but those girls were very important to me, and I wanted them to be a part of my special day. Married life is good; it’s really not that different, at least not to me. I get to spend every day with my best friend, just the way I like it. We’re struggling, trying to join our lives, our habits, and our laundry lol, but we love each other and seem to come out of most messes fairly well. I’ll post some pics and the video of our rick roll as soon as I find them lol.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
A Year in Review
Today I finally write; I’m obviously late on my year in review, and considering that I didn’t write for the most of it, it would be out of place. I can’t help but feel it would be a great way to get back into the spirit of blogging and even more into the memories I didn’t place in my blog in 08.
My Year in Review (in no particular order)
10. Love and Marriage- Watching one of my best and dearest friends marry my brother. It was awkward and still is, that someone who has known my inner most thoughts and secrets is now married to my brother; yet for all the crazy that it is, someone who I’ve claimed as family for years now officially is.
9. A Trip of a Lifetime- Boston, who needs more than that? I got to travel with Barbs to a place we’d always wanted to go together. The Freedom Trail, the accents, 4th of July with the Boston Pops live, swimming in the Atlantic Ocean, walking past Harvard at 3am, and those are just snippets of the whole trip; it was amazing, and it was once in a lifetime.
8. The Zoo- Scrappy and Indie, the newest members of the Zoo. What was supposed to be a trip to get Chase a cat turned into an adventure of the dog and cat variety. Scrappy (the dog) was for some reason being kept in the kitten section of the human society; my heart broke when I saw his little red self all alone. He looked at me with such gentle kind eyes. I couldn’t resist, and now several months later, I’m in love with his overly hyper sweetness. Indie named after Indiana Jones is clumsy, snuggly, and loves to eat…nothing like his namesake. The two of them have helped make my little family all the more exciting and full.
7. Happy Anniversary Honey- I took Chase to Denver and it was amazing. Chase a Broncos fan of epic proportions was shocked and ecstatic to go to Denver and more so to tour the whole Broncos Stadium, ending with us on the field. He was in love with the whole thing, and going to his dream stadium was topped off with his first time flying. I think he had an amazing time.
6. Graphic Design- I started Graphic Design School and finally found a place where my love of creation was celebrated with good grades and success. I think it was one of the best choices I’ve made concerning education!
5. Halloween- We had a party, not a huge crowd, but a lot of fun. A few close friends eating, drinking, and watching movies. It was a blast…not to mention we all dressed up!
4. Bridesmaids and more Bridesmaids- Going shopping with my Sister and my Roomie to find the dress style, fabric, and colors I wanted in the wedding. I felt like a real bride for once and loved every second of it!
3. Going to the Chapel- Taking my parents out to Camp Calvary so they could see where I want to get married. They weren’t overly impressed, but it felt like I was finally setting the plans into motion.
2. A Bengkins Christmas- This was the year that we got the balance of the holiday right. Chase and I actually enjoyed ourselves; we even had presents for everyone! I can only hope that the holidays from here on out are as happy!
1. Spice and Politics- I’m not a politically tuned person, in fact I’d say I’m the opposite; however, this year I was addicted to it. I watched, I gleaned, I studied, and I voted. For the first time in my life I felt a part of my countries priorities. I cried the night Obama won the election, and I cried when he was sworn in and I’ll leave it at that.
So it was a hectic year, there was tragedy, as there often is in life, but there was joy as well. So with little fan fare another year passes and a new one takes its place. 2009 is a big year for me, I change my last name and start my life as a wife, I move in with a man for the first time since living with my papa, and perhaps if it works out we start our family.
My Year in Review (in no particular order)
10. Love and Marriage- Watching one of my best and dearest friends marry my brother. It was awkward and still is, that someone who has known my inner most thoughts and secrets is now married to my brother; yet for all the crazy that it is, someone who I’ve claimed as family for years now officially is.
9. A Trip of a Lifetime- Boston, who needs more than that? I got to travel with Barbs to a place we’d always wanted to go together. The Freedom Trail, the accents, 4th of July with the Boston Pops live, swimming in the Atlantic Ocean, walking past Harvard at 3am, and those are just snippets of the whole trip; it was amazing, and it was once in a lifetime.
8. The Zoo- Scrappy and Indie, the newest members of the Zoo. What was supposed to be a trip to get Chase a cat turned into an adventure of the dog and cat variety. Scrappy (the dog) was for some reason being kept in the kitten section of the human society; my heart broke when I saw his little red self all alone. He looked at me with such gentle kind eyes. I couldn’t resist, and now several months later, I’m in love with his overly hyper sweetness. Indie named after Indiana Jones is clumsy, snuggly, and loves to eat…nothing like his namesake. The two of them have helped make my little family all the more exciting and full.
7. Happy Anniversary Honey- I took Chase to Denver and it was amazing. Chase a Broncos fan of epic proportions was shocked and ecstatic to go to Denver and more so to tour the whole Broncos Stadium, ending with us on the field. He was in love with the whole thing, and going to his dream stadium was topped off with his first time flying. I think he had an amazing time.
6. Graphic Design- I started Graphic Design School and finally found a place where my love of creation was celebrated with good grades and success. I think it was one of the best choices I’ve made concerning education!
5. Halloween- We had a party, not a huge crowd, but a lot of fun. A few close friends eating, drinking, and watching movies. It was a blast…not to mention we all dressed up!
4. Bridesmaids and more Bridesmaids- Going shopping with my Sister and my Roomie to find the dress style, fabric, and colors I wanted in the wedding. I felt like a real bride for once and loved every second of it!
3. Going to the Chapel- Taking my parents out to Camp Calvary so they could see where I want to get married. They weren’t overly impressed, but it felt like I was finally setting the plans into motion.
2. A Bengkins Christmas- This was the year that we got the balance of the holiday right. Chase and I actually enjoyed ourselves; we even had presents for everyone! I can only hope that the holidays from here on out are as happy!
1. Spice and Politics- I’m not a politically tuned person, in fact I’d say I’m the opposite; however, this year I was addicted to it. I watched, I gleaned, I studied, and I voted. For the first time in my life I felt a part of my countries priorities. I cried the night Obama won the election, and I cried when he was sworn in and I’ll leave it at that.
So it was a hectic year, there was tragedy, as there often is in life, but there was joy as well. So with little fan fare another year passes and a new one takes its place. 2009 is a big year for me, I change my last name and start my life as a wife, I move in with a man for the first time since living with my papa, and perhaps if it works out we start our family.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Found....again
It's been awhile; truthfully it’s been a lifetime. So much has happened since my last post that I am not sure I want to go through the struggle of catching up. I've been busy, no not just busy, I've been absorbed. Life has taken me by the collar and said, “Let’s boogie babe” and I’ve gone along for the ride. I guess I’ll start with what happened in October.
I received a ring,
and I said yes. Chase and I will be together a year in February. It doesn’t seem real that I’ve finally found the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, but I love it. I always thought I’d be the girl who’d wait a lifetime to fall in love; my ideals were too much for the “common” man to meet. Chase changed that in me. I truly believe that God put us together, and I’m really glad that he did. Our wedding date is May 16th of 2009. There is still so much planning to do before the big day lol. I also turned 24, not a milestone by any means but, a great birthday nonetheless.
November was not a good month. Chase’s family seemed to have issue with the amount of time he and I were spending with my Papa in Missouri. First my Gran got sick, then my Papa, then my Gran passed away, and before I knew what was going on…well people were pissed. Papa is better, which is good, but he’s awfully lonely and I feel helpless to stop that. Gran got sick because of the nursing home’s negligence. They left her dentures in for far to long, I’m talking months here, without taking them out to clean them. She got a horrible infection and couldn’t eat because of it. She went to the hospital where they pumped her full of anti-biotics and she recovered some. It was the last time I saw any lucid part of my Grandmother, and there wasn’t much. I comforted her while they redid IV’s, and in my heart I believe a piece of her remembered me in those moments. My Gran and Papa both filled out living wills, a choice of theirs was to be a DNR (do not resuscitate) and that they never be on artificial life support. So my Gran who was not eating because of the pain, was not allowed to have a feeding tube. She died peacefully; I left about 30 mins before it happened. I couldn’t see her take her last breath; I wanted to remember her differently than that. Her funeral was beautiful, and so was she. It was hard to see her the way she looked. She was like my Gran in High School, before she got sick. Seeing her like that was a little creepy and made me feel like she’d sit up and ask, “who the HELL put me in a coffin?” it also made me feel like I was losing her all over again. I lost her to the disease, and now to death. I don’t know what I expected to see, but I did not expect to see the woman of 5 years ago lying in the casket. The hardest part for me was watching her being closed in the casket, realizing she was really gone. I felt like they were sealing her fate somehow by closing the lid. Sometimes I miss her to much too even breathe, she won’t be at my wedding, and she never really got to meet Chase. I always promised her she’d wear a beautiful hat at my wedding, she loved hats, but instead she’ll be there in spirit. It’s hard to imagine that only 5 years ago she was alive and no one knew she had Alzheimer’s.
December was stressful, the loss of my Gran had caused me to have massive anxiety, and the impending holiday only made it worse. It wasn’t long before I wanted to huddle in a ball and pretend the world was gone. Financially we were and are struggling from the aftermath of so many trips to Missouri, and it was almost to much to bare as we are still making payments late and making deals so that we have a place to live, while we try to get caught up. In the end it all worked out, there was more Drama with Chase’s family, and more drama in mine. We survived it, and Chase stood up for me, something that makes me even more proud to have him. I also purchased my wedding dress. Step one in the long process of this entire event. Hopefully everything else will be as easy as that was.
Overall 2007 ended okay. I lost a lot this year and as the world works I very much assume I’ll continue to lose things I love, but I also gained. I found the man of my dreams, no, make that the man I couldn’t possibly dream up. I can only hope that 2008 holds a lot for me like 2007 did, and if I know anything about my life….it does.
I received a ring,
and I said yes. Chase and I will be together a year in February. It doesn’t seem real that I’ve finally found the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, but I love it. I always thought I’d be the girl who’d wait a lifetime to fall in love; my ideals were too much for the “common” man to meet. Chase changed that in me. I truly believe that God put us together, and I’m really glad that he did. Our wedding date is May 16th of 2009. There is still so much planning to do before the big day lol. I also turned 24, not a milestone by any means but, a great birthday nonetheless. November was not a good month. Chase’s family seemed to have issue with the amount of time he and I were spending with my Papa in Missouri. First my Gran got sick, then my Papa, then my Gran passed away, and before I knew what was going on…well people were pissed. Papa is better, which is good, but he’s awfully lonely and I feel helpless to stop that. Gran got sick because of the nursing home’s negligence. They left her dentures in for far to long, I’m talking months here, without taking them out to clean them. She got a horrible infection and couldn’t eat because of it. She went to the hospital where they pumped her full of anti-biotics and she recovered some. It was the last time I saw any lucid part of my Grandmother, and there wasn’t much. I comforted her while they redid IV’s, and in my heart I believe a piece of her remembered me in those moments. My Gran and Papa both filled out living wills, a choice of theirs was to be a DNR (do not resuscitate) and that they never be on artificial life support. So my Gran who was not eating because of the pain, was not allowed to have a feeding tube. She died peacefully; I left about 30 mins before it happened. I couldn’t see her take her last breath; I wanted to remember her differently than that. Her funeral was beautiful, and so was she. It was hard to see her the way she looked. She was like my Gran in High School, before she got sick. Seeing her like that was a little creepy and made me feel like she’d sit up and ask, “who the HELL put me in a coffin?” it also made me feel like I was losing her all over again. I lost her to the disease, and now to death. I don’t know what I expected to see, but I did not expect to see the woman of 5 years ago lying in the casket. The hardest part for me was watching her being closed in the casket, realizing she was really gone. I felt like they were sealing her fate somehow by closing the lid. Sometimes I miss her to much too even breathe, she won’t be at my wedding, and she never really got to meet Chase. I always promised her she’d wear a beautiful hat at my wedding, she loved hats, but instead she’ll be there in spirit. It’s hard to imagine that only 5 years ago she was alive and no one knew she had Alzheimer’s.
December was stressful, the loss of my Gran had caused me to have massive anxiety, and the impending holiday only made it worse. It wasn’t long before I wanted to huddle in a ball and pretend the world was gone. Financially we were and are struggling from the aftermath of so many trips to Missouri, and it was almost to much to bare as we are still making payments late and making deals so that we have a place to live, while we try to get caught up. In the end it all worked out, there was more Drama with Chase’s family, and more drama in mine. We survived it, and Chase stood up for me, something that makes me even more proud to have him. I also purchased my wedding dress. Step one in the long process of this entire event. Hopefully everything else will be as easy as that was.
Overall 2007 ended okay. I lost a lot this year and as the world works I very much assume I’ll continue to lose things I love, but I also gained. I found the man of my dreams, no, make that the man I couldn’t possibly dream up. I can only hope that 2008 holds a lot for me like 2007 did, and if I know anything about my life….it does.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Another rambling post...
I’m tired. My job, which normally is not too much stress, has for some reason taken over my life. I do not recall school being so complicated when I was a mere Computer Assistant, rather than the Manager, yet all summer I begged for school to start again. I’ve missed the classes, the knowledge I gain from them, and the interesting people I meet. I just wish I didn’t wake up so sleepy every morning.
Math is going to be my thorn this semester; of course it always has been my thorn. I’m good at the creative, not the analytical. I have always excelled at subjects like English and struggled with Math. I hope someday I can have a better grasp of it, but I’m not betting my future on it. Hopefully I can just pass the class with a C; I don’t think that’s too much to ask lol.
French is my favorite class by far. I love my Prof and I love the way French sings when spoken. It’s a beautiful language, and I’m excited to be learning it! Très Bien! Actually I can’t say that French is my favorite, because I really like my peoples of Mesoamerica Class too. It’s an upper level anthropology course, and I have a lot of fun just listening to my Prof, who has an enormous amount of knowledge about the subject. He’s also a very good Prof in general. My other class is Criminal Profiling and it is just fun in general. I love shows like CSI and my Prof is not only a former police officer, but even attended the FBI academy. It helps that he also has a doctorate in Sociology, which is my favorite subject! I love learning, and love that I can sit through a class without a panic attack.
Going home this weekend! I’m so excited to finally get the chance to see my Papa again. I miss him, and I miss the Ozarks. I know I’ve prattled about the Ozarks for a long time, but there is a beauty there I’ve never found anywhere else, I’m glad to be headed back. Yesterday I got new glasses, and oddly enough they are in my school’s colors, Orange and Black. I think it’s pretty funny personally, but they looked the best, and as my boss pointed out this morning they match the Orange vest that the Computer Assistants have to wear. Yay :P lol
Math is going to be my thorn this semester; of course it always has been my thorn. I’m good at the creative, not the analytical. I have always excelled at subjects like English and struggled with Math. I hope someday I can have a better grasp of it, but I’m not betting my future on it. Hopefully I can just pass the class with a C; I don’t think that’s too much to ask lol.
French is my favorite class by far. I love my Prof and I love the way French sings when spoken. It’s a beautiful language, and I’m excited to be learning it! Très Bien! Actually I can’t say that French is my favorite, because I really like my peoples of Mesoamerica Class too. It’s an upper level anthropology course, and I have a lot of fun just listening to my Prof, who has an enormous amount of knowledge about the subject. He’s also a very good Prof in general. My other class is Criminal Profiling and it is just fun in general. I love shows like CSI and my Prof is not only a former police officer, but even attended the FBI academy. It helps that he also has a doctorate in Sociology, which is my favorite subject! I love learning, and love that I can sit through a class without a panic attack.
Going home this weekend! I’m so excited to finally get the chance to see my Papa again. I miss him, and I miss the Ozarks. I know I’ve prattled about the Ozarks for a long time, but there is a beauty there I’ve never found anywhere else, I’m glad to be headed back. Yesterday I got new glasses, and oddly enough they are in my school’s colors, Orange and Black. I think it’s pretty funny personally, but they looked the best, and as my boss pointed out this morning they match the Orange vest that the Computer Assistants have to wear. Yay :P lol
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
The ideals of life, love, and an average 23 year old
It has been a while since I’ve sat down and written an honest to goodness entry. So much has been going on that I honestly have not had a chance. I’ve been busy, and when I’m not attempting to spend time with my doggie, boyfriend, and roomie, I’m sleeping.
Work is interesting to say the least, and a millions times better than it used to be. I love my new boss. He’s kind and has a great sarcastic sense of humor. He’s setting some pretty strict rules on certain things, but the functioning of the labs is beginning to run so smoothly, that I don’t really mind the new rules. Not to mention that he seems to appreciate the work that I do.
The boyfriend is great, he bought me this really awesome stereo for my car, and a beautiful diamond necklace for our anniversary. Normally I’m not into jewelry, but the necklace is perfect for me. It simple and white gold…I hate yellow gold. I’ve never owned a diamond and it’s nice to have some. We’ve been together now for longer than six months, which for me is a big deal. I have to say I like where we are going.
School started yesterday, and it was a completely different experience for me than the last few years have been. I didn’t feel afraid of the classes, and I was actually comfortable with the idea of attendance. It’s amazing how my anxiety meds have improved my life. Classes have been bearable, and even interesting. I don’t struggle to pay attention or feel as if I’m being ostracized. I’m proud of myself for the improvements in my life. Not only does school seem to be going better, but I also seen to be handling my money, food, and life with more ease. I wont lie I have my moments, but overall things are going great.
I have a feeling that all these anxieties, which for so many years have caused me pain and grief, are becoming unimportant. I see it best in my relationship with Chase. I allow him farther into my inner self than I have ever allowed anyone. I’m vulnerable with him, and for me that is the more than complicated. Dare I say I love him taking care of me, and I love taking care of him? He brings me a form of balance I’ve never experienced and has been a tremendous help as I’ve transitioned from neurotic Meg to functioning Meg and finally to successful Meg.
I guess it may be awhile before I update again, depending on my homework and the pace of the semester, but I will say before I close, it is nice to for once be able to enjoy life rather than haphazardly running through it hoping to God that I don’t miss the important things.
"One can get just as much exultation in losing oneself in a little thing as in a big thing. It is nice to think how one can be recklessly lost in a daisy!"
-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Work is interesting to say the least, and a millions times better than it used to be. I love my new boss. He’s kind and has a great sarcastic sense of humor. He’s setting some pretty strict rules on certain things, but the functioning of the labs is beginning to run so smoothly, that I don’t really mind the new rules. Not to mention that he seems to appreciate the work that I do.
The boyfriend is great, he bought me this really awesome stereo for my car, and a beautiful diamond necklace for our anniversary. Normally I’m not into jewelry, but the necklace is perfect for me. It simple and white gold…I hate yellow gold. I’ve never owned a diamond and it’s nice to have some. We’ve been together now for longer than six months, which for me is a big deal. I have to say I like where we are going.
School started yesterday, and it was a completely different experience for me than the last few years have been. I didn’t feel afraid of the classes, and I was actually comfortable with the idea of attendance. It’s amazing how my anxiety meds have improved my life. Classes have been bearable, and even interesting. I don’t struggle to pay attention or feel as if I’m being ostracized. I’m proud of myself for the improvements in my life. Not only does school seem to be going better, but I also seen to be handling my money, food, and life with more ease. I wont lie I have my moments, but overall things are going great.
I have a feeling that all these anxieties, which for so many years have caused me pain and grief, are becoming unimportant. I see it best in my relationship with Chase. I allow him farther into my inner self than I have ever allowed anyone. I’m vulnerable with him, and for me that is the more than complicated. Dare I say I love him taking care of me, and I love taking care of him? He brings me a form of balance I’ve never experienced and has been a tremendous help as I’ve transitioned from neurotic Meg to functioning Meg and finally to successful Meg.
I guess it may be awhile before I update again, depending on my homework and the pace of the semester, but I will say before I close, it is nice to for once be able to enjoy life rather than haphazardly running through it hoping to God that I don’t miss the important things.
"One can get just as much exultation in losing oneself in a little thing as in a big thing. It is nice to think how one can be recklessly lost in a daisy!"
-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Monday, August 20, 2007
First Day of Classes
"Suddenly I awake to a stark amazement at everything... To be alive is so incredible that all I can do is to lie still and merely breathe." -- W.N.P. Barbellion
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Have you buckled your swash?
My pirate name is:
Dread Pirate Cash
Like the famous Dread Pirate Roberts, you have a keen head for how to make a profit. You're musical, and you've got a certain style if not flair. You'll do just fine. Arr!
Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
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