Overcooked and Underdressed

I’ve learned a valuable lesson about life this past week. You don’t always pick your family genetically, but you can pick them emotionally. After so many years of wanting and waiting for the moment when I’d be loved the way that I should be by my biological father...I’ve come to the conclusion that that I’ll never be the Women that they want me to be, nor should I live my life attempting to be their ideal, I am my own person. Its amazing what a little outside help can make a person see. Oddly enough I’ve felt more like myself these past few weeks than I have in a long time, and not a lot has been different, other than having a person to talk to about it. Friday is my appointment with the Psychiatrist and she will tell me if I will officially be on meds or not. I’m afraid of the answer and at the same time relieved that the game of wondering is almost over. The past few years of my life have been a train wreck of emotional, spiritual, and physical collapse. I am tired of being this shell of myself, tired of pretending to be okay when I’m not, and tired of being okay with this less than full version of myself. I know while talking to a visiting long time friend about my current self, another person in my life, also there, realized how different I was from the girl she met almost two and half years ago. I am different, and while a lot of people in my life do not seem to see it, I do. Perhaps I’ll soon be a medicated Meg and perhaps I won’t be; whatever the case I can’t help but think that I’m improving.

On a completely different subject, last night I went to a cook-out. I love it when whims turn into adventure. We built a fire, roasted hot dogs, and had smores. The stars were bright, the brightest I’ve seen them in a while. The cook-out was accident and snafu prone, but a blast nonetheless. My pants almost caught on fire, I ripped part of a toenail off in a freak mud accident, and the hot dogs were cold, but it was one of those nights that just sparkle with fun. As I fell asleep last night smelling of wood smoke I realized that these are the last few years of the beginning. The moments that I will remember when I’m 75 and telling people of my college days. I am so tired of school, so tired of the doldrums of the same old same old, and yet I’m so alive. I waste nights on a sofa, when there is a world of brilliant stars to see. I want to cook out again soon. Maybe I’ll have another night where I can manage to get myself out…how worth the moment that would be.

In about a week, I’m going to see one of my best friends Graduate from college. She lives in Colorado, so far from my daily life, yet still so much apart of it. I’m excited to see her and her husband again after almost 3 years. The road trip will include my roommates and boyfriend. We are going to visit 8 states, 9 if you include Oklahoma, in 4 days. It’s a grand road trip, which begins in little Stillwater and takes us to Las Vegas, the California border, 4 corners state park, Mesa Verde, Durango, Denver, and down through Kansas back to our comfortable and loving beds. I can’t wait for this experiment in social strain as we attempt to spend an insane and perhaps overdone amount of time together. I intend on taking a jillion pictures and will hopefully come back with many stories to tell. I know Barbs and I are most excited about the Star Trek experience…which will be followed by dinner at Quark’s Bar…*sigh* a Trekkie dream come true.