For a while I have wanted to change the format of my blog. I tend not to make entries because I’m not quite sure what to write, so instead of writing, I’m going to make Meggit Mixes. Meggit is a nickname given to me by a good friend, and the official name of my “comic”. Each day I plan on reviewing something from my day or previous days in a comic. Its simple, nothing to snazzy…but who knows what may come of it as I learn to use some software or get an odd creative idea. So enjoy my first installment of Meggit Mix!
- Meg

I guess its time to update.

My birthday was a smash hit, minus the few bad things that went down, such as my hamster dying everything was great. I went out with some friends and had a blast just hanging out. It was nice to have a birthday that I did what I wanted rather than what my family wanted. Sometimes it’s important to be selfish.

The Cardinals made it to the World Series :) I’m very excited about this! The current standing is 1-1. It’s a best of 7 series, so they have to win 4 games. So 3 more and they have the championship! Woot woot!

Its almost time to write my book…and I’m starting to freak about it! I guess we’ll see how good my writing really is lol.

Today is my 23 birthday, I don’t feel older, but I sure feel more weighted. However, I won’t write about my birthday today, instead I’ll show you my project for November

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I invite you, my reader, to join me :) It will be insane, but at the same time quite the adventure! Let me know if you choose to join, I'd love to be moral support! Just Click here for more info!

An update and the like...

Update at last! So many things to cover…so little space. I’ll attempt to keep this short and sweet, but I tend to be long winded…or rather long worded.

It’s Finally FINALLY October, that time of year where my life stops for one thing, Baseball. I’m happy to report that my team, the Cards, are doing rather well and if they keep playing well will have a nice spot in the World Series…I’ll keep you posted, for I’m sure you, my beloved readers are just as excited as I am *wink*.
Now something I’ve been pondering as of late and not alone mind you, relationships. I’ve noticed that the majority if not all of my friends are male, and if they are female they aren’t the overly feminine type. In reviewing this I realize it might have something to do with my intellect type, in the end I guess it could be because I’m honestly just odd. I mean I’m 22 and watch Fraggle Rock, I enjoy Star Wars, Star Trek, Fantasy, sci-fi, and historical fiction novels, and I’m obsessed with baseball, not to mention play games like www.sissyfight.com on purpose. With all these factors it can be hard if not impossible to find people of a like minded nature. If you add in my insanely polar moods and baggage, I’m not the most sought after girl on the planet. Yet I keep running into men who are exactly what I want, sometimes to often so. I met Clarkie through a friend almost 4 years ago. We connected instantly as our conversation turned to books. The next 2 hours were spent discussing the merits of this book over that one and that author’s metaphors over this author’s symbolism. We were good friends and slowly became something else; eventually we entered into a quasi relationship. Hearts were broken, relationships were shattered, rebuilt, shattered, rebuilt, and then he married. Our relationship now is at a stalemate. Our lives in two different worlds, a separation from which we cannot push through, but we’ll always have those 3 years together as amazing friends. Then about a year or actually two years ago I met Jeff. He and a friend of mine from HS were together at the time, and we formed a friendship. It was slow at first, but eventually we hit this common ground which I believe sparked our relationship. We to now have this odd relationship, which I value very much. He is a friend, someone who is there for me when in need, someone to laugh with, but he is also this connection that I’ve been missing. He just understands me; at the same time I think I understand him. We talk about things silly, simple, profound, religious, and intellectual. We just click. In the way of romance we’ve crossed the bridge and moved on. We love each other but aren’t in love, happily figured out now instead of later when hearts would be broken, relationships shattered, and then rebuilt. My next guest on the list will never become a best friend, for the sole reason that he isn’t available in that since to the female populace. He is engaged. Our relationship has started at an odd point, I didn’t meet him through a friend, and while I’ve known him for about a year, I really didn’t get to know much about him till this semester when work forced us together. Slowly however our friendship is growing, and I’m struggling to maintain a since of friendship. He’s unavailable which makes it gads easier, but alas his personality has me hooked. It’s odd how often I find myself in relationships of questionable ground. I feel like these past few years have been a roller coaster when it comes to love, and while not bitter, I am slightly distressed. I just want calm and rational for a while. I procrastinate love unlike anyone I know, closing myself off to men if the slightest thing isn’t “correct”. Finally not three weeks before my 23 birthday I had my first kiss, and still I find myself wondering how it happened, what I was thinking, and where to go from here. Relationships are complicated enough without love being a factor, I’m dramatic enough alone without adding to the equation. I sometimes wonder how in the world anyone finds love in this crazy insane mixed up world, and yet as my Grandparents celebrate their 66 wedding anniversary on the 11th, I realize that love while overly complicated, insanely hard to find, and completely unwilling to leave me alone is looking for me, and when the timing is right, I’ll crash into it. Until then, cheers.
Speaking of 66th wedding anniversaries, it’s Fall Break and I’m going home! Today actually, I’m rather excited to be headed to the Ozarks, fall is my favorite season where I’m from. The trees are stunning. The trip should be fun, and it’s a total surprise to my family. On the 11th of October my Papa and Gran will have been married 66 years and my Papa will be 83, on the 12th I’ll be 23 and my beloved puppy Pierre will be 14. Its always been a big time of year at my house, so many things to celebrate. I won’t be home on the those dates, but I’ll be there until Tuesday so although early its still close. My Papa is going to be so thrilled to see me. I can’t wait to surprise him! Anne and I are going to go to Branson for a couple of days and Barbs is getting to go home and see her parents. It should be a total blast to escape Oklahoma for a bit. I plan on having some pictures and updates when I return, so until then!

I've not updated lately...I have moments where I think, "wow, I really should blog this." I start to lay it out in my head and before I know it I've blogged to God rather than the actual blog, so perhaps nothing is really lost...he's keeping it for me. I found this quote randomly on someones Facebook page today, and it struck me...quite hard actually...

"I thought the present was a safer bet. We can only die in the future, I thought; right now we are always alive." --Amy Hempel

and then on the same page, I saw this quote...which also whammied me...because its exactly true.

"The love I seek is so deep, so faithful and true, I wonder if I will ever find someone that will love me in the way I desire. It goes deeper than passion, but as simple as politeness. I desire understanding, and an unfaltering trust. Someone other than my Father, that I can run to when the world is cruel. Someone who will warm my heart with kindness and firmly speak truth to me in love. Someone that will sit and read with me but will also dance in the rain with me. Love is a funny thing. So often "found" and not kept. Why? Well it is because it was never found, for if it was it would be like a treasure, held tightly and never let go, valued above other things." - A. Steele

Insanity is amusing...that being said, meet my boyfriend!

It was love at first height *swoon*

Honesty

My best friend is moving back to Stilly...I should be happy about this...but I feel like mars just landed on my chest...

Life or something like it...

Tonight Anne and I returned a few movies to the video store. Driving down the streets of Stilly windows down, good music on the radio, my foot up on the dash, head leaned back. Just enjoying the almost full moon and wind in my unbrushed curly hair, it was heaven. Its moments like that I live for. Its pure contentment, the world disappears around me and I am left to enjoy the peace. There has always been something beautiful in simplicity. It’s crazy how many of those moments I experience. I know I write about the sunrise a lot, but it’s another moment of just solid contentment. I could name dozen or so, and it is this, in these moments that I feel God more than any other. When the world ceases to be around me, the cares, worries, stresses, and junk of daily life just dissipate and all that is left is the moment. I feel empty tonight, and its good. To finally hit the point of utter release, and finally have all the air cleared with everything in my life. I just feel like everything is starting to finally pick up. The valley is slowly and steadily turning into a mountain. The darkness is giving into the brilliance of the sun up ahead. I’m optimistic about life, finally. It amazes me to read my personal journal from only 5 months ago. I was a mess, in the simplest terms. A summer full of unconditional love, facing some demons, and having an inner battle with my moral fiber, I’ve come out on top. It seems that the one thing I’ve been really missing in the puzzle has come somersaulting back in my life, through a friend. It’s weird to be reminded of something as obvious as God. It’s more insane to find that the pieces fall together with a little help from the maker of the pieces. For a while I’ve been trying to tell my story, perhaps to myself maybe, or perhaps just to let the old musty past finally air out. The words have been hard, if not completely silent, and I’m still struggling with how to tell it, so for my sake I will write the words as they come and stop obsessing over it. I will warn anyone reading this at this point, you may not want to know the things I’m going to tell, and I ask for no sympathy, I am like anyone else facing something incredible, nothing more. I am who I am because of where I came from. My mom as I’ve written before was troubled. She was looking for life in all the wrong places, and took me along with her. From my birth to her death my life was a wild roller coaster of mostly hellacious events. From her addiction to drugs, alcohol, and men I had to grow up much to fast. My world was a whirlwind of survival. At times I ate ice cubes and sugar for food, because she bought liquor first. I’ve lived all over the US, all between the ages of 1 to 11, some of the places people envy, like Hawaii. From one abusive relationship to another my mom kept looking for someone to save her. I personally have faced the physical and emotional abuse relatively well. I have some physical and emotional walls because of it, but deal with it pretty well. It’s the dark dreams of things that happened to me that I cannot face. It’s the stress induced fear and paranoia that bother me now. This summer I saw the man who hurt me the worst. I’ll call him John, the man who took the abuse somewhere else, somewhere worse than a drunken beating. I have for years doubted things that happened to me, believing that they were no more than realistic nightmares. When I saw him in Wal-Mart on some idle Saturday this summer, I realized my dreams were not just scary fiction, but raving mad reality. I know he saw me too; there was a mild recognition on his face that he knew who I was. I quickly left the store, pounding heart, sweaty palms, and purchases in arms. I got into the car and went to the only truly safe place I’ve ever known, home. My grandfather even at 82 is the strongest man in the world to me. My fearless protector, my guardian angel, and in his presence my mind and heart tell me Satan himself would run with fear. He loves me unabashedly, for all the things I am and am not. He doesn’t know all the sorted details of my childhood, although with 12 years in the police force, and two children both adopted from abusive homes behind his belt, I’m sure he sees the things in me that point them out. He knows, and for that I love him more than ever. I saw this vile man again at wal-mart, with his mother. This man who I fear still today, this man who turns me into a broken terrified child. I ran, I know I looked like I was insane, but I was. I was pushing the cart so fast it made noises of protest, but I still felt trapped. I couldn’t get home fast enough. I hid from the world for a few weeks, and couldn’t sleep, because he waited there. I won’t pretend to be a strong person; indeed I’m anything but. Sometimes I think that I will get counseling, but the idea of ripping open old wounds, of knowing without a doubt that I was sexually abused, to remember and relive it, is to large a mountain to climb. To fully understand it I’ve been told would help me overcome it. I don’t believe I’m really ready to fully know it all. It is odd and perhaps a blessing from God the people who come into my life at the right time. I will not explain the situation to explicitly to protect the privacy of my beloved friend, but right before one of my worst attacks of nightmares, social anxiety, and emotional breakdown she came strolling into my life. She saw it in me even before I could say anything, because she experienced it. She understands completely why I hide away from men and relationships, and has if nothing else showed me the Lords hand in helping to slowly but surely overcoming it all. I see her changing as she tackles step by small step the things that hurt her as a child, a relationship with God prominent in the process of healing. “Meg, when you are ready, God will start the process of facing it…let his love take care of you till then.” It isn’t easy, but slowly I’m tackling it, it’s a long ride, but it’s my ride. I just have to allow myself to believe in the end it was worth it to trudge through a little mud to find a place of peace. I’m anything but a poster child for what a relationship with God should look like, just as I’m anything but perfect, yet I believe that all of it happened to me for a reason, and it is because of this belief that I keep on. That closet with all the skeletons doesn’t have me running so fast anymore, and someday I’m going to open the door and clean it out. Until then its one day at a time.

Hang on...just a min more...hang on...it will pass, the sun will come up and the day will be new...just hang on.

Its finally Friday, the week that I’ve almost finished has been at best filled with insanity. The thing is, I’m making it. Last semester defeated me, and I slowly and very visibly disappeared. I stopped caring about school, God, friends, and myself. It’s crazy the difference I see in myself this semester, and that is one thing spurring me on. I’ve never been one to quit. I may take a break, collapse, and sometimes even hide, but I never quit. I always finish. It’s interesting to me how looking back at last semester I only see a large blur, where I should be. I don’t want to be that blur again. I have attended all my classes this week, for the outsider this may seem like a small feat, for me it means that I’m overcoming. I’m here, I’m doing it, and I’m working to make what I want happen. It’s funny how different things are when you are present for them. Today I was walking to work and I realized that I’m ready. I’ve waited a long time for this revelation, this spark of strength. If I can put the words together correctly, make the thoughts sound right, perhaps I’ll tackle my past with the light of the world watching. I seem to feel like people need to know why I am the way I am, why I hide away. I will line it up inside, I will figure it out, I will open the closet of the past and dust it out. The demons waiting there will not control me anymore.

"Go within every day and find the inner strength so that the world will not blow your candle out."
-Katherine Dunham

As I left for work today my dog Willie put his paws on my leg and looked up at me. He didn’t want me to leave him for the day. I rubbed his belly and got up off the sofa and headed for the door. He jumped down and grabbed his toy and stood looking at me...toy hanging out of his mouth, ears perked and eyes large with hope. As I closed the door I saw the hope in his eyes stay. When I get home tonight he will go through Doggy freak out, because the whole day he knew I was coming home, he knew I’d play with him, rub his belly, and be his best friend, but the most important thing, he knew I was coming home…just as I know, I’m going to be okay.

"No matter what our troubles, when the earth turns on its axis one more time and we see what appears to be the sun rising, I feel it's the universe calling for a change in ourselves. You have one more day. Rise with it!" -Oprah Winfrey

Morning...again

For those people who like me are not into the whole “morning” thing, I have good news. The sunrise can make it all worth while. I’m personally not fond of Oklahoma in general. It’s flat, hot, humid, flat, usually brown, flat, and did I mention flat? I often find myself thinking of where I’d like to attend a grad school or where I’d like to live once I’m done with my undergrad, Oklahoma is not on the list. While I love Stillwater, and Tulsa is like home, Oklahoma offers little else to me. There are moments however, when I think that perhaps Oklahoma would not be so bad a place to stay, they are at sunrise. This morning I was running late, the alarm clock did not seem to get the concept of 5 more minutes and my dog’s bladder did not either. I climbed out of bed with only thoughts of an afternoon nap to ebb my despair at another morning to tackle. After taking the dog out, finding my glasses, and letting the dog back in, I was already behind schedule. So I quickly turned on my straightening iron and began my morning ritual of opening the closet and whining about nothing to wear. After three outfit changes (which is odd for a girl who really only wears t-shirts and jeans) I finally was dressed. I straightened my hair as quickly as possible and to my surprise looked rather nice for a speedy job of it. I put my shoes on, brushed my teeth, grabbed a go tart, and headed out the door. As I approached campus I could see the sun just sneaking through the buildings and trees. I contemplated some things with the blazing orange and yellow sun welcoming me to another day. My usually agitated mood at running late was eased at its welcome and I even slowed my pace to be able to watch it a little longer. Sitting here recalling this morning’s sunrise only brings up memories of the countless sunrises I saw last semester, and how much I needed them. It’s amazing how God seems to give me a boost just when I need it, just when I feel like I can’t seem to tackle one more thing. I have to admit though, that an Oklahoma sunrise is nothing compared to an Ozark’s sunset.

While attempting to fall asleep last night I mulled over things in my head, grad school, moving, love, family, the meaning of being “smart”, and self identity. I seem to keep finding myself contemplating things I cannot answer. I keep reminding myself of the ultimate question from the Hitchhikers Guide, what is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. With that in mind I realize we cannot know…right? I stumbled into a discussion with my roomie Barbs yesterday about our purpose in life, how I don’t know what mine is, but I’m living with the thoughts that I’m supposed to attempt to be a better person, help others, and serve God. With that in mind I’m guaranteed nothing, not even happiness. Yet somehow, even in my insane drama I find it…in the quiet, in the loud, between the lines, in the punctuation, on the mountain, and in the cave. It’s waiting for me, always there, always patient, always willing for me to find it. Stop worrying…stop trying…just be present, just be here.

Home sweet disaster...

These are pictures of my new room at my new house. I just got a bed, desk, and book shelf...and it still looks like it was hit by a hurricane...thus is life...lol

My bookshelf with just a few books I thought I'd need...ones I've read and can't part with, such as Pride and Prejudice or books I've been meaning to get to...

My overly messy desk...I'm uber unorganized...but for some reason it all works for me.

My Bed! I love it. It was my grandmothers on my step-mom's side of the family...and I have to hop to get into it. It reminds me of the old style beds that had the step so you could climb in easily...I really adore it! The comforter set is new...I bought it on sale...I love uberly large prints and it was black and white :)

My door...I always decorate my door so...odd fetish of mine perhaps?

Contemplative on a Wednesday

I wanted to write something today about how amazing the past few days have been, and how awed I am by the amazing people in my life. I honestly don’t know where to begin, so instead I’ll put a quote that I feel sums up how I’m feeling about things right now.

"Begin with loss and see how the world contradicts you,
how the horizon implies that beyond it
the water is not empty
but full of ships
all docking at another island."
-Lynn Emanuel

That being said, God and I had a talk last night…it will be the first in a long line of many, after all the call is free.

Would you?

Would you believe me if I said it was the first day of class? Okay, how about if I said I actually got up to an alarm clock this morning, no? Hmm yeah I don't believe it either...

I’m rather tired typing this; my eyes feel heavy and are more than doing their fair share to remain open. I feel stretched. Perhaps this feeling can be negative, but for now it’s very positive. Work has been trying and amazing at the same time. I love my job, which is odd considering I make $5.15/hour, but its so people oriented and I’m having so much fun training the new employees. I was scared of messing something up, looking like a complete fool, or better yet falling down flat on my face, however, I’ve done well and I’m proud of myself for it. Tomorrow is the last day of training and I will then be free for the glorious weekend. Monday is the first day of classes and my first official shifts at work. I have a million things to do, but its nice to have.

I’m a little confused about some things right now, mainly men. Its odd how interest in me has suddenly picked up. I keep finding people who want to date me, seemingly out of nowhere. It can be flattering, but my heart and brain are living somewhere else right now, and until I figure out what they are up to I need to stay off the market…

I’m about to climb into my lovely bed, but before I close this entry I want to leave with a quote (I am in love with quotes).
“Being in motion, not knowing what’s going to happen next, not only suits me but has become and unlikely vehicle for faith.” –Holly Morris

Lost in the transition....

It’s rather funny to imagine that this semester is only a few days away. I feel that I am more than ready to tackle the problems and joys ahead of me in the coming weeks, yet part of me wishes that I could be done with it all. I love learning; there is this electricity in a classroom for me that I don’t get anywhere else. I love my major, the terms, discoveries, and sense it all seems to make to me. It seems as if school has always been my escape from my reality. Even in High School a project could pull me away from the insanity that is common among hormonal teens. College is a freedom far more amazing however and in its tight grip I find many moments of intense happiness. I am starting to see the end of my academic career looming and I am concerned that I’m not ready to be taken from educational bottle. What will I do when I walk on that stage and have my degree and it is all over? Should I go to grad school? Should I just start my life and look for a job? Should I explore the world? There are a million options, but the hourglass is running out of sand.

In another part of my life I find myself searching for answers. I am not sure if I am asking the right questions, but I will get there. Who do I want to be? What do I want to find? What do I expect from others? A friend confronted me the other day in a phone call. She asked why I wasn’t dating and why I didn’t date the men who asked me out. I couldn’t give her any answer that seemed to grasp it all. I feel so young, yet I know what I deserve, and in refusing to settle for second best I’ve chosen to wait for a very long time to really date. Many of the students that I graduated HS with have gotten married and even have children, but I’m certain I’m not ready for that yet. I can’t explain why I don’t date the guys who ask me out other than this feeling I have about them. Some of them are nice enough, if not really great guys. I’ve seen many men come and go from my life these past few years, all of them wanting something from me that I’m unwilling to give. I’m anything but average in the college world. I’m what I call and uber prude. Perhaps I’m deluded to assume that I will get my own fairytale, I don’t expect castles and knights in shinning armor, but I do expect to be considered, loved, respected, and if nothing else understood. Until I find Mr. Right I see no sense in dating every Joe that comes along to pass the time. So in this conversation I just told her, I haven’t met anyone who moves me and is interested.

I’ve been seeking God lately, seeking what he really wants from me. I’ve been hiding from church and the pain it has personally caused me, and hiding from God in the process. I’m not sure what this new adventure with him will show me, I’m not even sure if I’ll be pleased when its done, but I have to take it. I need to know so many things, so my hunt for a church will begin once my transportation becomes available. My hunt for God has already started, and its amazing how he ends up in the small things.

I will begin to chronicle my adventures with getting my chance to study abroad. I want to go to AUS and I intend on doing everything in my power to make it happen. The world awaits me and for to long I’ve not allowed myself to answer its call. As soon as school starts I’m going to talk to the Study Abroad Office and see what I have to do to make this a possibility for next fall. In a year I could be in AUS studying Sociology, how amazing would that be?

So to end a long drawn out entry about nothing, a quote!
“For happiness she required women to walk with. To walk in the city arm in arm with a woman friend (as her mother had with aunts and cousins so many years ago) was just plain essential. Oh! Those long walks and intimate talks, better than standing alone on the most admirable mountain or in the handsomest forest or hay-blown field (all of which were certainly splendid occupations for the wind-starved soul). More important even (though maybe less sweet because of age) than the old walks with boys she’d walked with as a girl...” –Grace Paley

My zoo...Willie (William T. Riker) my lovely doggie, Crissy (Cryslin) the hamster, and Wesley (Wesley Crusher) the Cat. They are the best pets, chewing, scratching, and noises aside they really do make my house feel like a home. Also the doggie and kitty names might seem familiar to the Trekkie nation :) TNG is my fave...can you tell? hehe

She appears to be invisible....

I finally have Internet and it goes without saying I think that I’m dancing with joy. Hopefully we won’t have any trouble getting the wireless set up asap. A lot has and honestly hasn’t happened since my last update. I officially moved back to school. I love my house, and my room. Unpacking has been at best an arduous task and I still have not really completed it. My lovely dog and cat are handling the transition rather well, better than I expected. I really should write more, about the trials, the joys, and the interesting things going on with me right now. I can’t help but feel however that I need to keep it to myself…perhaps its because I see myself changing, bending, and walking in a direction I didn’t expect and I need to fathom it, understand it, or at least have a grip on it before I allow the world to peer in. So until I can think of something to say, I’ll leave you with a quote…

"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." -- Rollo May

Southern fried

With a glass of Sweet Tea by my side and a fan making its repeated whirrings I am finally updating. So many things have occurred in my life lately, so many small things and rather large ones as well. In less than two weeks I will again be living in Oklahoma. Things are rather different this coming year for me, not only in my state of mind, but with my personal life. Our house in Stilly is wonderful, it does not have central heating or air but what it lacks in modern conveniences it makes up for in so many ways. I somehow have ended up with the largest of the three bedrooms, and I will not complain. The back yard is very large and we have a deck, its rather brilliant. While my trip to Oklahoma was wonderful and made me long for my life there very much, there are things to be done yet here in Hillbilly Hallow. I have to finish my cleaning projects, stake my tomato plants so they don’t lean all the way over, pack, and somehow convince my dog and Papa that I am not abandoning them. I’ve been trying very hard to make things happy for them my last few weeks here. I even fried green tomatoes for my Papa, and cooking and I are not friends. I have cooked more this summer than I did all last year, its interesting the things I do for love. As summer ends I find myself preparing for the homesickness that I’ve not felt in a long time, the thought of not having my Papa and my dog is very sad, but I’m still elated that school is so close I can taste it!