Another rambling post...

I’m tired. My job, which normally is not too much stress, has for some reason taken over my life. I do not recall school being so complicated when I was a mere Computer Assistant, rather than the Manager, yet all summer I begged for school to start again. I’ve missed the classes, the knowledge I gain from them, and the interesting people I meet. I just wish I didn’t wake up so sleepy every morning.
Math is going to be my thorn this semester; of course it always has been my thorn. I’m good at the creative, not the analytical. I have always excelled at subjects like English and struggled with Math. I hope someday I can have a better grasp of it, but I’m not betting my future on it. Hopefully I can just pass the class with a C; I don’t think that’s too much to ask lol.

French is my favorite class by far. I love my Prof and I love the way French sings when spoken. It’s a beautiful language, and I’m excited to be learning it! Très Bien! Actually I can’t say that French is my favorite, because I really like my peoples of Mesoamerica Class too. It’s an upper level anthropology course, and I have a lot of fun just listening to my Prof, who has an enormous amount of knowledge about the subject. He’s also a very good Prof in general. My other class is Criminal Profiling and it is just fun in general. I love shows like CSI and my Prof is not only a former police officer, but even attended the FBI academy. It helps that he also has a doctorate in Sociology, which is my favorite subject! I love learning, and love that I can sit through a class without a panic attack.

Going home this weekend! I’m so excited to finally get the chance to see my Papa again. I miss him, and I miss the Ozarks. I know I’ve prattled about the Ozarks for a long time, but there is a beauty there I’ve never found anywhere else, I’m glad to be headed back. Yesterday I got new glasses, and oddly enough they are in my school’s colors, Orange and Black. I think it’s pretty funny personally, but they looked the best, and as my boss pointed out this morning they match the Orange vest that the Computer Assistants have to wear. Yay :P lol

The ideals of life, love, and an average 23 year old

It has been a while since I’ve sat down and written an honest to goodness entry. So much has been going on that I honestly have not had a chance. I’ve been busy, and when I’m not attempting to spend time with my doggie, boyfriend, and roomie, I’m sleeping.

Work is interesting to say the least, and a millions times better than it used to be. I love my new boss. He’s kind and has a great sarcastic sense of humor. He’s setting some pretty strict rules on certain things, but the functioning of the labs is beginning to run so smoothly, that I don’t really mind the new rules. Not to mention that he seems to appreciate the work that I do.

The boyfriend is great, he bought me this really awesome stereo for my car, and a beautiful diamond necklace for our anniversary. Normally I’m not into jewelry, but the necklace is perfect for me. It simple and white gold…I hate yellow gold. I’ve never owned a diamond and it’s nice to have some. We’ve been together now for longer than six months, which for me is a big deal. I have to say I like where we are going.

School started yesterday, and it was a completely different experience for me than the last few years have been. I didn’t feel afraid of the classes, and I was actually comfortable with the idea of attendance. It’s amazing how my anxiety meds have improved my life. Classes have been bearable, and even interesting. I don’t struggle to pay attention or feel as if I’m being ostracized. I’m proud of myself for the improvements in my life. Not only does school seem to be going better, but I also seen to be handling my money, food, and life with more ease. I wont lie I have my moments, but overall things are going great.

I have a feeling that all these anxieties, which for so many years have caused me pain and grief, are becoming unimportant. I see it best in my relationship with Chase. I allow him farther into my inner self than I have ever allowed anyone. I’m vulnerable with him, and for me that is the more than complicated. Dare I say I love him taking care of me, and I love taking care of him? He brings me a form of balance I’ve never experienced and has been a tremendous help as I’ve transitioned from neurotic Meg to functioning Meg and finally to successful Meg.

I guess it may be awhile before I update again, depending on my homework and the pace of the semester, but I will say before I close, it is nice to for once be able to enjoy life rather than haphazardly running through it hoping to God that I don’t miss the important things.

"One can get just as much exultation in losing oneself in a little thing as in a big thing. It is nice to think how one can be recklessly lost in a daisy!"
-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

First Day of Classes

"Suddenly I awake to a stark amazement at everything... To be alive is so incredible that all I can do is to lie still and merely breathe." -- W.N.P. Barbellion

Have you buckled your swash?

My pirate name is:

Dread Pirate Cash

Like the famous Dread Pirate Roberts, you have a keen head for how to make a profit. You're musical, and you've got a certain style if not flair. You'll do just fine. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.

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Relaxing

Just click the Little Orange Play Button and feel the stress melt away...
Fariborz Lachini – Fall in Love Again

An exciting day for Egypt!

As an Egypt obsessee I keep up with information on it as often as I can. I ran across this today....muy interesting

Summer in Oklahoma

Update and such

Do you ever feel apart of something? Something you can’t obviously be a part of…at least not in a real everyday sense? I have a family. I met them nearly 4 years ago, and it all started with a friendship. So many things to write about…so lets get started :)

Medication- It’s been a couple of weeks since I was officially medicated. Honestly I was a bit skeptical of pills making me feel more like myself, but they do. I was put on Xanax and Zoloft; the Zoloft I’ve been told is a temporary medication, but the Xanax will be a part of my life for the rest of my life. I have an anxiety disorder, which would explain my trouble with sleep, my panic attacks, and my over the top stress. I’m still in counseling and will be for a long time. It’s not easy, to admit that I need this, but it’s harder to imagine my life continuing the way it has for the past few years. I’m making some big changes, starting with me, and then flowing into the rest of my life; such as money. Perhaps I’ll be on track some day soon :)

Road trip!- Well we went to Vegas and then to Colorado. It was so much fun seeing my Kodie again. I forgot how much I really missed her, and how much I missed her family. I met Kodie my freshman year of college and met her family nearly a year after that. Since that fateful thanksgiving, they have loved me as if I were apart of their own. Going to see her Graduate from college was something I needed. Vegas was at best a crazy place, and I don’t really ever have a desire to go back. I might if I have a lot of time and lots of patience. The Star Trek Experience was the best part of Vegas for me.

Barbs, Anne, and I (Roomies)

The Ferangie thought Chase was cool for being the only man with three females

Chase and I at Quarks Bar and Grill

Barbs and I were wooed by a monster...who then proceeded to beat Chase up

We also had a picture with a Klingon who though that Barbs eyebrow ring and my nose ring were a nice set of shrapnal tropheys. But it didn't turn out so hot:)

I also got to see the Hoover Dam which was jinormas! It was really cool though and did I mention jinormas?

Colorado was a lot of fun, per the usual. I got a funky sunburn/tan line now (yay for being closer to the sun) and I’m making plans to head back to Colorado as soon as possible. I need to get some money in order first. Overall the trip was great, there were a few snafus and a panic attack in Vegas, but it was totally worth it. Now its back to regular life and the joys of moving. Things are actually looking up for me, and hopefully will continue to look up.

Kodie and I at her Graduation Party

Barbs and I

Overcooked and Underdressed

I’ve learned a valuable lesson about life this past week. You don’t always pick your family genetically, but you can pick them emotionally. After so many years of wanting and waiting for the moment when I’d be loved the way that I should be by my biological father...I’ve come to the conclusion that that I’ll never be the Women that they want me to be, nor should I live my life attempting to be their ideal, I am my own person. Its amazing what a little outside help can make a person see. Oddly enough I’ve felt more like myself these past few weeks than I have in a long time, and not a lot has been different, other than having a person to talk to about it. Friday is my appointment with the Psychiatrist and she will tell me if I will officially be on meds or not. I’m afraid of the answer and at the same time relieved that the game of wondering is almost over. The past few years of my life have been a train wreck of emotional, spiritual, and physical collapse. I am tired of being this shell of myself, tired of pretending to be okay when I’m not, and tired of being okay with this less than full version of myself. I know while talking to a visiting long time friend about my current self, another person in my life, also there, realized how different I was from the girl she met almost two and half years ago. I am different, and while a lot of people in my life do not seem to see it, I do. Perhaps I’ll soon be a medicated Meg and perhaps I won’t be; whatever the case I can’t help but think that I’m improving.

On a completely different subject, last night I went to a cook-out. I love it when whims turn into adventure. We built a fire, roasted hot dogs, and had smores. The stars were bright, the brightest I’ve seen them in a while. The cook-out was accident and snafu prone, but a blast nonetheless. My pants almost caught on fire, I ripped part of a toenail off in a freak mud accident, and the hot dogs were cold, but it was one of those nights that just sparkle with fun. As I fell asleep last night smelling of wood smoke I realized that these are the last few years of the beginning. The moments that I will remember when I’m 75 and telling people of my college days. I am so tired of school, so tired of the doldrums of the same old same old, and yet I’m so alive. I waste nights on a sofa, when there is a world of brilliant stars to see. I want to cook out again soon. Maybe I’ll have another night where I can manage to get myself out…how worth the moment that would be.

In about a week, I’m going to see one of my best friends Graduate from college. She lives in Colorado, so far from my daily life, yet still so much apart of it. I’m excited to see her and her husband again after almost 3 years. The road trip will include my roommates and boyfriend. We are going to visit 8 states, 9 if you include Oklahoma, in 4 days. It’s a grand road trip, which begins in little Stillwater and takes us to Las Vegas, the California border, 4 corners state park, Mesa Verde, Durango, Denver, and down through Kansas back to our comfortable and loving beds. I can’t wait for this experiment in social strain as we attempt to spend an insane and perhaps overdone amount of time together. I intend on taking a jillion pictures and will hopefully come back with many stories to tell. I know Barbs and I are most excited about the Star Trek experience…which will be followed by dinner at Quark’s Bar…*sigh* a Trekkie dream come true.

this weeks top 40 #1 hit goes too...

It is that time of year again, where I review my Top 10 moments :) from this School year. So without further ado…

1. Willie- My baby boy, my muffin, biscuit, sniffer, mess, and love of my life. He has kept me sane the last few months; I don’t know what I’d do without his co-dependant hyperactive personality on a daily basis. God really provided for me when he allowed Willie to come into my life.
2. Nose ring oh nose ring- about a month and half ago, I got my nose pierced. Act of rebellion? Maybe. I am starting to realize that as I grow up I want to experience things that I never have before, unlike my tattoo the nose ring can easily disappear. Yet another thing on the list of Meg’s Black Sheep tendencies.
3. Thanksgiving- Having Barb’s parents come to our house for Thanksgiving made me feel like a real adult. My first official holiday where I did the cooking. Things went well and minus a few hiccups it was great! I can only hope that her parents come to our new Apartment once we move.
4. World Series Victory!- My entire life was spent with summers full of baseball. My papa never missed a televised game, and I sat happily on the floor chin in my hand enthralled by the game. Baseball reminds me of Summer, and Summer reminds me of happy childhood moments, the smell of a fresh cut lawn, the whirring of the A/C, the taste of fried green tomatoes and garden fresh strawberries. Baseball runs through my veins and energizes my soul. Finally I was witness to the only team I’ve ever loved winning the prize. Oh what a joy
5. Meggit Mix- A creative outlet for me, and a place to express my unusual and sometimes really silly sense of humor.
6. Christmas- This year it was nice to be at home and just loaf with my Papa. Herb (my uncle) came home and for once the holiday did not seem so empty.
7. New Years- I made some crazy choices on New Years, but it was a blast nonetheless. Getting to spend time with my Step-Bro and some of my best friends made it a hoot. I don’t think I’ve ever spent a New Years playing cards before, but it was a great time!
8. St. Pats Day- My first time ever to celebrate the green holiday. It was a blast! I actually understand now why people like to celebrate such a seemingly random event!
9. The Written Word- My friend Josh joined the Marines and when he went to boot camp he started writing me letters. Getting real mail was a blast, but getting real mail from a friend was even better. I love the anticipation between letters and the excitement of finally receiving them. Its such a difference the way the written word strikes the soul compared to electronic text.
10. Relient K- The Relient K concert was a blast and it was such a good time getting to hang out with my Sis and my friend Tiff while rocking to one of the greatest bands alive. I also got to see Sherwood in concert and fell in love with them as well. There’s nothing more fulfilling than the Sadie Hawkins Dance played so loud your whole body vibrates, while dancing with a crowd of strangers. *sigh* pure delight.

The tide is turning….one crashing wave at a time…

I had my first official appointment with my counselor….it was like a form of torture sitting in the waiting room waiting for her, but I waited nonetheless. After an extended session I left with the knowledge that there is hope for me….hope that comes in the form of medication. Apparently I’m suffering from severe depression and severe anxiety. In a month I have an appointment with a Physiatrist where she will evaluate me based on my sessions and a extensive Psychological history I have to fill out. She will then prescribe the medication that I need to get better. I don’t know what the better news is…that there is a light at the end of the tunnel or that there is a logical reason for my life being the mess that it is.

um...what was that again?

So I’ve done it again. Another semester down the drain with nothing accomplished. It seems my extended family have nothing better to do than prod my already shattered ego about college. I have to admit the past few years I’ve been dazed, if not a wholly different person academically. After leaving Ozark and the blow out with my father it was almost like the academic loving me was lost to melancholy lethargy. I find myself missing classes for weeks because skipping is a disease. The fear of return is greater than the fear of failure. I don’t know how to fix this mess, much less to overcome it. My spending is erratic and my money follows suit of my academic career, down the preverbal porcelain god. I’m not sure what to do or how to get out of the spiral. I can’t seem to make enough money, I can’t seem to get to class, and to top it all off I feel like I’m dragging other people in with me. How do you set the road right again? I’ve been sick for several days and due to this am cranky…so perhaps I should sacrifice this post at the alter of angst and fevers…its located next to the alter of paper extensions and Bursar holds.

Untitled...

I miss books. I miss the way I sat and read for hours, lost in another world of someone else’s creation. I miss the hours of endless discussion about them, the arguments of context and style. It is odd to watch my sister who like I was at her age devours books like a child eating M&M’s. I miss those days. I miss lazy afternoons of lying in the backyard book in hand and Pierre at my side. Why does it seem so long ago? Those days of youthful procrastination…when a book ran my life. I miss it…I have come to realize I miss a lot of things.

Sometimes I want to walk away. No, not walk, run; I want to close my eyes and just disappear. I watched a video from my senior year last night. These people in the video, so young and full of life and possibilities, and their lives lay out before them. I see a past that seems so long ago. The years since then I’ve changed so much. I’m so crazy sometimes, so manic, so lost in the memories of what was that I start to forget what is.

Tomorrow I go to the counselor….scared doesn’t describe it. I think panic is better. I’m starting to feel like a caged lion. I don’t know that I have it in me to function tomorrow. I don’t know that I can make it through tonight. I want to be alone…to hide…to disappear. I’m acting today, avoiding the sense of utter doom. The last time I faced a counseling session I was so upset I couldn’t move or speak. I just kept crying…and I have a feeling that unless I figure out how to suck it up…I’ll be doing the same tomorrow.


“…see how the flesh grows back across a wound, with a great vehemence, more strong than the simple, untested surface before. There's a name for it on horses, when it comes back darker and raised: proud flesh,

as all flesh is proud of its wounds, wears them as honors given out after battle, small triumphs pinned to the chest-“
Jane Hirshfield, From For What Bind Us

Its just that...

Amen

"Storybook happiness involves every form of pleasant thumb-twiddling; true happiness involves the full use of one's powers and talents." -- John W. Gardner

Missing

There is something about this time of year, it debilitates me. It never fails; spring brings me a form of suffering unlike any other time of year. I’m very much inverted and lost. It seems that spring always bring extreme change in my life and I do not deal with change well. I feel like I fell off track somewhere and cannot seem to find the right road. I need to hibernate.