Found....again

It's been awhile; truthfully it’s been a lifetime. So much has happened since my last post that I am not sure I want to go through the struggle of catching up. I've been busy, no not just busy, I've been absorbed. Life has taken me by the collar and said, “Let’s boogie babe” and I’ve gone along for the ride. I guess I’ll start with what happened in October.

I received a ring, and I said yes. Chase and I will be together a year in February. It doesn’t seem real that I’ve finally found the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, but I love it. I always thought I’d be the girl who’d wait a lifetime to fall in love; my ideals were too much for the “common” man to meet. Chase changed that in me. I truly believe that God put us together, and I’m really glad that he did. Our wedding date is May 16th of 2009. There is still so much planning to do before the big day lol. I also turned 24, not a milestone by any means but, a great birthday nonetheless.

November was not a good month. Chase’s family seemed to have issue with the amount of time he and I were spending with my Papa in Missouri. First my Gran got sick, then my Papa, then my Gran passed away, and before I knew what was going on…well people were pissed. Papa is better, which is good, but he’s awfully lonely and I feel helpless to stop that. Gran got sick because of the nursing home’s negligence. They left her dentures in for far to long, I’m talking months here, without taking them out to clean them. She got a horrible infection and couldn’t eat because of it. She went to the hospital where they pumped her full of anti-biotics and she recovered some. It was the last time I saw any lucid part of my Grandmother, and there wasn’t much. I comforted her while they redid IV’s, and in my heart I believe a piece of her remembered me in those moments. My Gran and Papa both filled out living wills, a choice of theirs was to be a DNR (do not resuscitate) and that they never be on artificial life support. So my Gran who was not eating because of the pain, was not allowed to have a feeding tube. She died peacefully; I left about 30 mins before it happened. I couldn’t see her take her last breath; I wanted to remember her differently than that. Her funeral was beautiful, and so was she. It was hard to see her the way she looked. She was like my Gran in High School, before she got sick. Seeing her like that was a little creepy and made me feel like she’d sit up and ask, “who the HELL put me in a coffin?” it also made me feel like I was losing her all over again. I lost her to the disease, and now to death. I don’t know what I expected to see, but I did not expect to see the woman of 5 years ago lying in the casket. The hardest part for me was watching her being closed in the casket, realizing she was really gone. I felt like they were sealing her fate somehow by closing the lid. Sometimes I miss her to much too even breathe, she won’t be at my wedding, and she never really got to meet Chase. I always promised her she’d wear a beautiful hat at my wedding, she loved hats, but instead she’ll be there in spirit. It’s hard to imagine that only 5 years ago she was alive and no one knew she had Alzheimer’s.

December was stressful, the loss of my Gran had caused me to have massive anxiety, and the impending holiday only made it worse. It wasn’t long before I wanted to huddle in a ball and pretend the world was gone. Financially we were and are struggling from the aftermath of so many trips to Missouri, and it was almost to much to bare as we are still making payments late and making deals so that we have a place to live, while we try to get caught up. In the end it all worked out, there was more Drama with Chase’s family, and more drama in mine. We survived it, and Chase stood up for me, something that makes me even more proud to have him. I also purchased my wedding dress. Step one in the long process of this entire event. Hopefully everything else will be as easy as that was.

Overall 2007 ended okay. I lost a lot this year and as the world works I very much assume I’ll continue to lose things I love, but I also gained. I found the man of my dreams, no, make that the man I couldn’t possibly dream up. I can only hope that 2008 holds a lot for me like 2007 did, and if I know anything about my life….it does.

Click once to open in new window, and again to zoom. Sorry folks blogger doesn't like the size of Meggit Mix :(

hehehehe...*sigh*

This is funny!

My Pookey

Just wanted to brag!

Another rambling post...

I’m tired. My job, which normally is not too much stress, has for some reason taken over my life. I do not recall school being so complicated when I was a mere Computer Assistant, rather than the Manager, yet all summer I begged for school to start again. I’ve missed the classes, the knowledge I gain from them, and the interesting people I meet. I just wish I didn’t wake up so sleepy every morning.
Math is going to be my thorn this semester; of course it always has been my thorn. I’m good at the creative, not the analytical. I have always excelled at subjects like English and struggled with Math. I hope someday I can have a better grasp of it, but I’m not betting my future on it. Hopefully I can just pass the class with a C; I don’t think that’s too much to ask lol.

French is my favorite class by far. I love my Prof and I love the way French sings when spoken. It’s a beautiful language, and I’m excited to be learning it! Très Bien! Actually I can’t say that French is my favorite, because I really like my peoples of Mesoamerica Class too. It’s an upper level anthropology course, and I have a lot of fun just listening to my Prof, who has an enormous amount of knowledge about the subject. He’s also a very good Prof in general. My other class is Criminal Profiling and it is just fun in general. I love shows like CSI and my Prof is not only a former police officer, but even attended the FBI academy. It helps that he also has a doctorate in Sociology, which is my favorite subject! I love learning, and love that I can sit through a class without a panic attack.

Going home this weekend! I’m so excited to finally get the chance to see my Papa again. I miss him, and I miss the Ozarks. I know I’ve prattled about the Ozarks for a long time, but there is a beauty there I’ve never found anywhere else, I’m glad to be headed back. Yesterday I got new glasses, and oddly enough they are in my school’s colors, Orange and Black. I think it’s pretty funny personally, but they looked the best, and as my boss pointed out this morning they match the Orange vest that the Computer Assistants have to wear. Yay :P lol

The ideals of life, love, and an average 23 year old

It has been a while since I’ve sat down and written an honest to goodness entry. So much has been going on that I honestly have not had a chance. I’ve been busy, and when I’m not attempting to spend time with my doggie, boyfriend, and roomie, I’m sleeping.

Work is interesting to say the least, and a millions times better than it used to be. I love my new boss. He’s kind and has a great sarcastic sense of humor. He’s setting some pretty strict rules on certain things, but the functioning of the labs is beginning to run so smoothly, that I don’t really mind the new rules. Not to mention that he seems to appreciate the work that I do.

The boyfriend is great, he bought me this really awesome stereo for my car, and a beautiful diamond necklace for our anniversary. Normally I’m not into jewelry, but the necklace is perfect for me. It simple and white gold…I hate yellow gold. I’ve never owned a diamond and it’s nice to have some. We’ve been together now for longer than six months, which for me is a big deal. I have to say I like where we are going.

School started yesterday, and it was a completely different experience for me than the last few years have been. I didn’t feel afraid of the classes, and I was actually comfortable with the idea of attendance. It’s amazing how my anxiety meds have improved my life. Classes have been bearable, and even interesting. I don’t struggle to pay attention or feel as if I’m being ostracized. I’m proud of myself for the improvements in my life. Not only does school seem to be going better, but I also seen to be handling my money, food, and life with more ease. I wont lie I have my moments, but overall things are going great.

I have a feeling that all these anxieties, which for so many years have caused me pain and grief, are becoming unimportant. I see it best in my relationship with Chase. I allow him farther into my inner self than I have ever allowed anyone. I’m vulnerable with him, and for me that is the more than complicated. Dare I say I love him taking care of me, and I love taking care of him? He brings me a form of balance I’ve never experienced and has been a tremendous help as I’ve transitioned from neurotic Meg to functioning Meg and finally to successful Meg.

I guess it may be awhile before I update again, depending on my homework and the pace of the semester, but I will say before I close, it is nice to for once be able to enjoy life rather than haphazardly running through it hoping to God that I don’t miss the important things.

"One can get just as much exultation in losing oneself in a little thing as in a big thing. It is nice to think how one can be recklessly lost in a daisy!"
-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

First Day of Classes

"Suddenly I awake to a stark amazement at everything... To be alive is so incredible that all I can do is to lie still and merely breathe." -- W.N.P. Barbellion

Have you buckled your swash?

My pirate name is:

Dread Pirate Cash

Like the famous Dread Pirate Roberts, you have a keen head for how to make a profit. You're musical, and you've got a certain style if not flair. You'll do just fine. Arr!

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Relaxing

Just click the Little Orange Play Button and feel the stress melt away...
Fariborz Lachini – Fall in Love Again

An exciting day for Egypt!

As an Egypt obsessee I keep up with information on it as often as I can. I ran across this today....muy interesting

Summer in Oklahoma

Update and such

Do you ever feel apart of something? Something you can’t obviously be a part of…at least not in a real everyday sense? I have a family. I met them nearly 4 years ago, and it all started with a friendship. So many things to write about…so lets get started :)

Medication- It’s been a couple of weeks since I was officially medicated. Honestly I was a bit skeptical of pills making me feel more like myself, but they do. I was put on Xanax and Zoloft; the Zoloft I’ve been told is a temporary medication, but the Xanax will be a part of my life for the rest of my life. I have an anxiety disorder, which would explain my trouble with sleep, my panic attacks, and my over the top stress. I’m still in counseling and will be for a long time. It’s not easy, to admit that I need this, but it’s harder to imagine my life continuing the way it has for the past few years. I’m making some big changes, starting with me, and then flowing into the rest of my life; such as money. Perhaps I’ll be on track some day soon :)

Road trip!- Well we went to Vegas and then to Colorado. It was so much fun seeing my Kodie again. I forgot how much I really missed her, and how much I missed her family. I met Kodie my freshman year of college and met her family nearly a year after that. Since that fateful thanksgiving, they have loved me as if I were apart of their own. Going to see her Graduate from college was something I needed. Vegas was at best a crazy place, and I don’t really ever have a desire to go back. I might if I have a lot of time and lots of patience. The Star Trek Experience was the best part of Vegas for me.

Barbs, Anne, and I (Roomies)

The Ferangie thought Chase was cool for being the only man with three females

Chase and I at Quarks Bar and Grill

Barbs and I were wooed by a monster...who then proceeded to beat Chase up

We also had a picture with a Klingon who though that Barbs eyebrow ring and my nose ring were a nice set of shrapnal tropheys. But it didn't turn out so hot:)

I also got to see the Hoover Dam which was jinormas! It was really cool though and did I mention jinormas?

Colorado was a lot of fun, per the usual. I got a funky sunburn/tan line now (yay for being closer to the sun) and I’m making plans to head back to Colorado as soon as possible. I need to get some money in order first. Overall the trip was great, there were a few snafus and a panic attack in Vegas, but it was totally worth it. Now its back to regular life and the joys of moving. Things are actually looking up for me, and hopefully will continue to look up.

Kodie and I at her Graduation Party

Barbs and I

Overcooked and Underdressed

I’ve learned a valuable lesson about life this past week. You don’t always pick your family genetically, but you can pick them emotionally. After so many years of wanting and waiting for the moment when I’d be loved the way that I should be by my biological father...I’ve come to the conclusion that that I’ll never be the Women that they want me to be, nor should I live my life attempting to be their ideal, I am my own person. Its amazing what a little outside help can make a person see. Oddly enough I’ve felt more like myself these past few weeks than I have in a long time, and not a lot has been different, other than having a person to talk to about it. Friday is my appointment with the Psychiatrist and she will tell me if I will officially be on meds or not. I’m afraid of the answer and at the same time relieved that the game of wondering is almost over. The past few years of my life have been a train wreck of emotional, spiritual, and physical collapse. I am tired of being this shell of myself, tired of pretending to be okay when I’m not, and tired of being okay with this less than full version of myself. I know while talking to a visiting long time friend about my current self, another person in my life, also there, realized how different I was from the girl she met almost two and half years ago. I am different, and while a lot of people in my life do not seem to see it, I do. Perhaps I’ll soon be a medicated Meg and perhaps I won’t be; whatever the case I can’t help but think that I’m improving.

On a completely different subject, last night I went to a cook-out. I love it when whims turn into adventure. We built a fire, roasted hot dogs, and had smores. The stars were bright, the brightest I’ve seen them in a while. The cook-out was accident and snafu prone, but a blast nonetheless. My pants almost caught on fire, I ripped part of a toenail off in a freak mud accident, and the hot dogs were cold, but it was one of those nights that just sparkle with fun. As I fell asleep last night smelling of wood smoke I realized that these are the last few years of the beginning. The moments that I will remember when I’m 75 and telling people of my college days. I am so tired of school, so tired of the doldrums of the same old same old, and yet I’m so alive. I waste nights on a sofa, when there is a world of brilliant stars to see. I want to cook out again soon. Maybe I’ll have another night where I can manage to get myself out…how worth the moment that would be.

In about a week, I’m going to see one of my best friends Graduate from college. She lives in Colorado, so far from my daily life, yet still so much apart of it. I’m excited to see her and her husband again after almost 3 years. The road trip will include my roommates and boyfriend. We are going to visit 8 states, 9 if you include Oklahoma, in 4 days. It’s a grand road trip, which begins in little Stillwater and takes us to Las Vegas, the California border, 4 corners state park, Mesa Verde, Durango, Denver, and down through Kansas back to our comfortable and loving beds. I can’t wait for this experiment in social strain as we attempt to spend an insane and perhaps overdone amount of time together. I intend on taking a jillion pictures and will hopefully come back with many stories to tell. I know Barbs and I are most excited about the Star Trek experience…which will be followed by dinner at Quark’s Bar…*sigh* a Trekkie dream come true.

this weeks top 40 #1 hit goes too...

It is that time of year again, where I review my Top 10 moments :) from this School year. So without further ado…

1. Willie- My baby boy, my muffin, biscuit, sniffer, mess, and love of my life. He has kept me sane the last few months; I don’t know what I’d do without his co-dependant hyperactive personality on a daily basis. God really provided for me when he allowed Willie to come into my life.
2. Nose ring oh nose ring- about a month and half ago, I got my nose pierced. Act of rebellion? Maybe. I am starting to realize that as I grow up I want to experience things that I never have before, unlike my tattoo the nose ring can easily disappear. Yet another thing on the list of Meg’s Black Sheep tendencies.
3. Thanksgiving- Having Barb’s parents come to our house for Thanksgiving made me feel like a real adult. My first official holiday where I did the cooking. Things went well and minus a few hiccups it was great! I can only hope that her parents come to our new Apartment once we move.
4. World Series Victory!- My entire life was spent with summers full of baseball. My papa never missed a televised game, and I sat happily on the floor chin in my hand enthralled by the game. Baseball reminds me of Summer, and Summer reminds me of happy childhood moments, the smell of a fresh cut lawn, the whirring of the A/C, the taste of fried green tomatoes and garden fresh strawberries. Baseball runs through my veins and energizes my soul. Finally I was witness to the only team I’ve ever loved winning the prize. Oh what a joy
5. Meggit Mix- A creative outlet for me, and a place to express my unusual and sometimes really silly sense of humor.
6. Christmas- This year it was nice to be at home and just loaf with my Papa. Herb (my uncle) came home and for once the holiday did not seem so empty.
7. New Years- I made some crazy choices on New Years, but it was a blast nonetheless. Getting to spend time with my Step-Bro and some of my best friends made it a hoot. I don’t think I’ve ever spent a New Years playing cards before, but it was a great time!
8. St. Pats Day- My first time ever to celebrate the green holiday. It was a blast! I actually understand now why people like to celebrate such a seemingly random event!
9. The Written Word- My friend Josh joined the Marines and when he went to boot camp he started writing me letters. Getting real mail was a blast, but getting real mail from a friend was even better. I love the anticipation between letters and the excitement of finally receiving them. Its such a difference the way the written word strikes the soul compared to electronic text.
10. Relient K- The Relient K concert was a blast and it was such a good time getting to hang out with my Sis and my friend Tiff while rocking to one of the greatest bands alive. I also got to see Sherwood in concert and fell in love with them as well. There’s nothing more fulfilling than the Sadie Hawkins Dance played so loud your whole body vibrates, while dancing with a crowd of strangers. *sigh* pure delight.

The tide is turning….one crashing wave at a time…

I had my first official appointment with my counselor….it was like a form of torture sitting in the waiting room waiting for her, but I waited nonetheless. After an extended session I left with the knowledge that there is hope for me….hope that comes in the form of medication. Apparently I’m suffering from severe depression and severe anxiety. In a month I have an appointment with a Physiatrist where she will evaluate me based on my sessions and a extensive Psychological history I have to fill out. She will then prescribe the medication that I need to get better. I don’t know what the better news is…that there is a light at the end of the tunnel or that there is a logical reason for my life being the mess that it is.

um...what was that again?

So I’ve done it again. Another semester down the drain with nothing accomplished. It seems my extended family have nothing better to do than prod my already shattered ego about college. I have to admit the past few years I’ve been dazed, if not a wholly different person academically. After leaving Ozark and the blow out with my father it was almost like the academic loving me was lost to melancholy lethargy. I find myself missing classes for weeks because skipping is a disease. The fear of return is greater than the fear of failure. I don’t know how to fix this mess, much less to overcome it. My spending is erratic and my money follows suit of my academic career, down the preverbal porcelain god. I’m not sure what to do or how to get out of the spiral. I can’t seem to make enough money, I can’t seem to get to class, and to top it all off I feel like I’m dragging other people in with me. How do you set the road right again? I’ve been sick for several days and due to this am cranky…so perhaps I should sacrifice this post at the alter of angst and fevers…its located next to the alter of paper extensions and Bursar holds.