Have you buckled your swash?

My pirate name is:

Dread Pirate Cash

Like the famous Dread Pirate Roberts, you have a keen head for how to make a profit. You're musical, and you've got a certain style if not flair. You'll do just fine. Arr!

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Relaxing

Just click the Little Orange Play Button and feel the stress melt away...
Fariborz Lachini – Fall in Love Again

An exciting day for Egypt!

As an Egypt obsessee I keep up with information on it as often as I can. I ran across this today....muy interesting

Summer in Oklahoma

Update and such

Do you ever feel apart of something? Something you can’t obviously be a part of…at least not in a real everyday sense? I have a family. I met them nearly 4 years ago, and it all started with a friendship. So many things to write about…so lets get started :)

Medication- It’s been a couple of weeks since I was officially medicated. Honestly I was a bit skeptical of pills making me feel more like myself, but they do. I was put on Xanax and Zoloft; the Zoloft I’ve been told is a temporary medication, but the Xanax will be a part of my life for the rest of my life. I have an anxiety disorder, which would explain my trouble with sleep, my panic attacks, and my over the top stress. I’m still in counseling and will be for a long time. It’s not easy, to admit that I need this, but it’s harder to imagine my life continuing the way it has for the past few years. I’m making some big changes, starting with me, and then flowing into the rest of my life; such as money. Perhaps I’ll be on track some day soon :)

Road trip!- Well we went to Vegas and then to Colorado. It was so much fun seeing my Kodie again. I forgot how much I really missed her, and how much I missed her family. I met Kodie my freshman year of college and met her family nearly a year after that. Since that fateful thanksgiving, they have loved me as if I were apart of their own. Going to see her Graduate from college was something I needed. Vegas was at best a crazy place, and I don’t really ever have a desire to go back. I might if I have a lot of time and lots of patience. The Star Trek Experience was the best part of Vegas for me.

Barbs, Anne, and I (Roomies)

The Ferangie thought Chase was cool for being the only man with three females

Chase and I at Quarks Bar and Grill

Barbs and I were wooed by a monster...who then proceeded to beat Chase up

We also had a picture with a Klingon who though that Barbs eyebrow ring and my nose ring were a nice set of shrapnal tropheys. But it didn't turn out so hot:)

I also got to see the Hoover Dam which was jinormas! It was really cool though and did I mention jinormas?

Colorado was a lot of fun, per the usual. I got a funky sunburn/tan line now (yay for being closer to the sun) and I’m making plans to head back to Colorado as soon as possible. I need to get some money in order first. Overall the trip was great, there were a few snafus and a panic attack in Vegas, but it was totally worth it. Now its back to regular life and the joys of moving. Things are actually looking up for me, and hopefully will continue to look up.

Kodie and I at her Graduation Party

Barbs and I

Overcooked and Underdressed

I’ve learned a valuable lesson about life this past week. You don’t always pick your family genetically, but you can pick them emotionally. After so many years of wanting and waiting for the moment when I’d be loved the way that I should be by my biological father...I’ve come to the conclusion that that I’ll never be the Women that they want me to be, nor should I live my life attempting to be their ideal, I am my own person. Its amazing what a little outside help can make a person see. Oddly enough I’ve felt more like myself these past few weeks than I have in a long time, and not a lot has been different, other than having a person to talk to about it. Friday is my appointment with the Psychiatrist and she will tell me if I will officially be on meds or not. I’m afraid of the answer and at the same time relieved that the game of wondering is almost over. The past few years of my life have been a train wreck of emotional, spiritual, and physical collapse. I am tired of being this shell of myself, tired of pretending to be okay when I’m not, and tired of being okay with this less than full version of myself. I know while talking to a visiting long time friend about my current self, another person in my life, also there, realized how different I was from the girl she met almost two and half years ago. I am different, and while a lot of people in my life do not seem to see it, I do. Perhaps I’ll soon be a medicated Meg and perhaps I won’t be; whatever the case I can’t help but think that I’m improving.

On a completely different subject, last night I went to a cook-out. I love it when whims turn into adventure. We built a fire, roasted hot dogs, and had smores. The stars were bright, the brightest I’ve seen them in a while. The cook-out was accident and snafu prone, but a blast nonetheless. My pants almost caught on fire, I ripped part of a toenail off in a freak mud accident, and the hot dogs were cold, but it was one of those nights that just sparkle with fun. As I fell asleep last night smelling of wood smoke I realized that these are the last few years of the beginning. The moments that I will remember when I’m 75 and telling people of my college days. I am so tired of school, so tired of the doldrums of the same old same old, and yet I’m so alive. I waste nights on a sofa, when there is a world of brilliant stars to see. I want to cook out again soon. Maybe I’ll have another night where I can manage to get myself out…how worth the moment that would be.

In about a week, I’m going to see one of my best friends Graduate from college. She lives in Colorado, so far from my daily life, yet still so much apart of it. I’m excited to see her and her husband again after almost 3 years. The road trip will include my roommates and boyfriend. We are going to visit 8 states, 9 if you include Oklahoma, in 4 days. It’s a grand road trip, which begins in little Stillwater and takes us to Las Vegas, the California border, 4 corners state park, Mesa Verde, Durango, Denver, and down through Kansas back to our comfortable and loving beds. I can’t wait for this experiment in social strain as we attempt to spend an insane and perhaps overdone amount of time together. I intend on taking a jillion pictures and will hopefully come back with many stories to tell. I know Barbs and I are most excited about the Star Trek experience…which will be followed by dinner at Quark’s Bar…*sigh* a Trekkie dream come true.

this weeks top 40 #1 hit goes too...

It is that time of year again, where I review my Top 10 moments :) from this School year. So without further ado…

1. Willie- My baby boy, my muffin, biscuit, sniffer, mess, and love of my life. He has kept me sane the last few months; I don’t know what I’d do without his co-dependant hyperactive personality on a daily basis. God really provided for me when he allowed Willie to come into my life.
2. Nose ring oh nose ring- about a month and half ago, I got my nose pierced. Act of rebellion? Maybe. I am starting to realize that as I grow up I want to experience things that I never have before, unlike my tattoo the nose ring can easily disappear. Yet another thing on the list of Meg’s Black Sheep tendencies.
3. Thanksgiving- Having Barb’s parents come to our house for Thanksgiving made me feel like a real adult. My first official holiday where I did the cooking. Things went well and minus a few hiccups it was great! I can only hope that her parents come to our new Apartment once we move.
4. World Series Victory!- My entire life was spent with summers full of baseball. My papa never missed a televised game, and I sat happily on the floor chin in my hand enthralled by the game. Baseball reminds me of Summer, and Summer reminds me of happy childhood moments, the smell of a fresh cut lawn, the whirring of the A/C, the taste of fried green tomatoes and garden fresh strawberries. Baseball runs through my veins and energizes my soul. Finally I was witness to the only team I’ve ever loved winning the prize. Oh what a joy
5. Meggit Mix- A creative outlet for me, and a place to express my unusual and sometimes really silly sense of humor.
6. Christmas- This year it was nice to be at home and just loaf with my Papa. Herb (my uncle) came home and for once the holiday did not seem so empty.
7. New Years- I made some crazy choices on New Years, but it was a blast nonetheless. Getting to spend time with my Step-Bro and some of my best friends made it a hoot. I don’t think I’ve ever spent a New Years playing cards before, but it was a great time!
8. St. Pats Day- My first time ever to celebrate the green holiday. It was a blast! I actually understand now why people like to celebrate such a seemingly random event!
9. The Written Word- My friend Josh joined the Marines and when he went to boot camp he started writing me letters. Getting real mail was a blast, but getting real mail from a friend was even better. I love the anticipation between letters and the excitement of finally receiving them. Its such a difference the way the written word strikes the soul compared to electronic text.
10. Relient K- The Relient K concert was a blast and it was such a good time getting to hang out with my Sis and my friend Tiff while rocking to one of the greatest bands alive. I also got to see Sherwood in concert and fell in love with them as well. There’s nothing more fulfilling than the Sadie Hawkins Dance played so loud your whole body vibrates, while dancing with a crowd of strangers. *sigh* pure delight.

The tide is turning….one crashing wave at a time…

I had my first official appointment with my counselor….it was like a form of torture sitting in the waiting room waiting for her, but I waited nonetheless. After an extended session I left with the knowledge that there is hope for me….hope that comes in the form of medication. Apparently I’m suffering from severe depression and severe anxiety. In a month I have an appointment with a Physiatrist where she will evaluate me based on my sessions and a extensive Psychological history I have to fill out. She will then prescribe the medication that I need to get better. I don’t know what the better news is…that there is a light at the end of the tunnel or that there is a logical reason for my life being the mess that it is.

um...what was that again?

So I’ve done it again. Another semester down the drain with nothing accomplished. It seems my extended family have nothing better to do than prod my already shattered ego about college. I have to admit the past few years I’ve been dazed, if not a wholly different person academically. After leaving Ozark and the blow out with my father it was almost like the academic loving me was lost to melancholy lethargy. I find myself missing classes for weeks because skipping is a disease. The fear of return is greater than the fear of failure. I don’t know how to fix this mess, much less to overcome it. My spending is erratic and my money follows suit of my academic career, down the preverbal porcelain god. I’m not sure what to do or how to get out of the spiral. I can’t seem to make enough money, I can’t seem to get to class, and to top it all off I feel like I’m dragging other people in with me. How do you set the road right again? I’ve been sick for several days and due to this am cranky…so perhaps I should sacrifice this post at the alter of angst and fevers…its located next to the alter of paper extensions and Bursar holds.

Untitled...

I miss books. I miss the way I sat and read for hours, lost in another world of someone else’s creation. I miss the hours of endless discussion about them, the arguments of context and style. It is odd to watch my sister who like I was at her age devours books like a child eating M&M’s. I miss those days. I miss lazy afternoons of lying in the backyard book in hand and Pierre at my side. Why does it seem so long ago? Those days of youthful procrastination…when a book ran my life. I miss it…I have come to realize I miss a lot of things.

Sometimes I want to walk away. No, not walk, run; I want to close my eyes and just disappear. I watched a video from my senior year last night. These people in the video, so young and full of life and possibilities, and their lives lay out before them. I see a past that seems so long ago. The years since then I’ve changed so much. I’m so crazy sometimes, so manic, so lost in the memories of what was that I start to forget what is.

Tomorrow I go to the counselor….scared doesn’t describe it. I think panic is better. I’m starting to feel like a caged lion. I don’t know that I have it in me to function tomorrow. I don’t know that I can make it through tonight. I want to be alone…to hide…to disappear. I’m acting today, avoiding the sense of utter doom. The last time I faced a counseling session I was so upset I couldn’t move or speak. I just kept crying…and I have a feeling that unless I figure out how to suck it up…I’ll be doing the same tomorrow.


“…see how the flesh grows back across a wound, with a great vehemence, more strong than the simple, untested surface before. There's a name for it on horses, when it comes back darker and raised: proud flesh,

as all flesh is proud of its wounds, wears them as honors given out after battle, small triumphs pinned to the chest-“
Jane Hirshfield, From For What Bind Us

Its just that...

Amen

"Storybook happiness involves every form of pleasant thumb-twiddling; true happiness involves the full use of one's powers and talents." -- John W. Gardner

Missing

There is something about this time of year, it debilitates me. It never fails; spring brings me a form of suffering unlike any other time of year. I’m very much inverted and lost. It seems that spring always bring extreme change in my life and I do not deal with change well. I feel like I fell off track somewhere and cannot seem to find the right road. I need to hibernate.

A run in with the Mirror...

My old roomie Christy came to visit me today. It had been a long while since our last run in. She and I are very different people in so many ways, yet the same too. She’s fiercely independent, she tackles relationships (that whole um I need some personal time and space please) like me, she’s silly, serious, loves to read, is brilliant, witty, and a million and half amazing things in one beautiful and spicy woman. She has made my life in Oklahoma so much brighter. My path here has been dense at times, lots of depression, lots of anxiety, and extremely bumpy with family, but Christy always was there next to me. She was a great roomie, but and even better sister. I wonder sometimes what life would be like for me, if I’d stayed in Tulsa and not come to OSU. I wonder if Christy and I would be attached at the hip like we used to be, or if we’d have grown the same ways we have. I always question my choices, sometimes more than others, and when I’m holed up in my room because of some argument with the roommates I currently have, I think about the lazy evenings eating order in Chinese with Christy on the sofa.

I think about that Meg sometimes, my first experience of living in a house on my own. I was working full time and being an “adult” for real, 4 years ago. So much has changed, and so much hasn’t. The world is a scary place, and in those 4 years I’ve been in love and heart broken more than once, I’ve moved 4 or 5 times, I have grown up, gone into debt, failed classes, passed classes, lost myself, met some amazing people, lost family, and regained them. I’m sure my road in Oklahoma isn’t finished yet, but sometimes I feel like I’m ready for a new chapter; my roots grow restless for a new pot to grow in, and the inklings are growing stronger. If I’m not careful I’ll rip the roots out and tear off on a new adventure without a thought.

Valentines Day

Sometimes she dreams in color...

I always find it frustrating how the thoughts in my head never seem to translate to the page. I find it more frustrating how my best thoughts occur in that lucid stage right before sleep, when the mind is dumping everything in preparation for blissful slumber. I can not help but wonder how the greatest of writers ever manage to create logical thought, let alone the brilliance they manage to put on the page. My creative writing class is stirring up a fear that I have never before experienced, and this has me on edge.

My creative/personal writing has always been a very private thing, more so for the content than anything, but also because of my bad spelling, horrid grammar, and inability to express my whirling thoughts in a coherent manner. I reserve my private thoughts for those whom I do not fear will laugh at my inner self. Yet here I am in a class I knew would do just that, judge. I am even having nightmares of my professor’s response to my writing, and that really bothers me. I fear that I will not receive her acceptance, and in the end, I believe that is exactly why I have never before taken a creative writing class. I do not show off my work because I am deathly afraid of the rejection, and yet now I push my writing on people in hopes that their acceptance will mean hers.

I must write a 10 page story, I am livid.

I ran into an old friend yesterday, it was odd. How unusual that I said old friend rather than Clarkie. I guess while I was not paying attention he crossed the line into the nameless former rather than the nicknamed present. I feel as if I have crossed some invisible line myself, and that I am living in a new era. I am not sure when or where the line was placed, but the girl I am now is very different than she was 6 months ago. Perhaps I can say that it is because my friends have changed, or that I have allowed myself to be more of a typical 23 year old. I really can not say which of these events has lead to the girl that types this, but I do know that I am going to have to keep an eye on her.