Amused...

Motivation

What the Pirate read in regular english:
BOTTOM
Methinks, mistress, you should have little reason
for that: and yet, to say the truth, reason and
love keep little company together now-a-days; the
more the pity that some honest neighbours will not
make them friends. Nay, I can gleek upon occasion.

TITANIA
Thou art as wise as thou art beautiful.

BOTTOM
Not so, neither: but if I had wit enough to get out
of this wood, I have enough to serve mine own turn.

For a while I have wanted to change the format of my blog. I tend not to make entries because I’m not quite sure what to write, so instead of writing, I’m going to make Meggit Mixes. Meggit is a nickname given to me by a good friend, and the official name of my “comic”. Each day I plan on reviewing something from my day or previous days in a comic. Its simple, nothing to snazzy…but who knows what may come of it as I learn to use some software or get an odd creative idea. So enjoy my first installment of Meggit Mix!
- Meg

I guess its time to update.

My birthday was a smash hit, minus the few bad things that went down, such as my hamster dying everything was great. I went out with some friends and had a blast just hanging out. It was nice to have a birthday that I did what I wanted rather than what my family wanted. Sometimes it’s important to be selfish.

The Cardinals made it to the World Series :) I’m very excited about this! The current standing is 1-1. It’s a best of 7 series, so they have to win 4 games. So 3 more and they have the championship! Woot woot!

Its almost time to write my book…and I’m starting to freak about it! I guess we’ll see how good my writing really is lol.

Today is my 23 birthday, I don’t feel older, but I sure feel more weighted. However, I won’t write about my birthday today, instead I’ll show you my project for November

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I invite you, my reader, to join me :) It will be insane, but at the same time quite the adventure! Let me know if you choose to join, I'd love to be moral support! Just Click here for more info!

An update and the like...

Update at last! So many things to cover…so little space. I’ll attempt to keep this short and sweet, but I tend to be long winded…or rather long worded.

It’s Finally FINALLY October, that time of year where my life stops for one thing, Baseball. I’m happy to report that my team, the Cards, are doing rather well and if they keep playing well will have a nice spot in the World Series…I’ll keep you posted, for I’m sure you, my beloved readers are just as excited as I am *wink*.
Now something I’ve been pondering as of late and not alone mind you, relationships. I’ve noticed that the majority if not all of my friends are male, and if they are female they aren’t the overly feminine type. In reviewing this I realize it might have something to do with my intellect type, in the end I guess it could be because I’m honestly just odd. I mean I’m 22 and watch Fraggle Rock, I enjoy Star Wars, Star Trek, Fantasy, sci-fi, and historical fiction novels, and I’m obsessed with baseball, not to mention play games like www.sissyfight.com on purpose. With all these factors it can be hard if not impossible to find people of a like minded nature. If you add in my insanely polar moods and baggage, I’m not the most sought after girl on the planet. Yet I keep running into men who are exactly what I want, sometimes to often so. I met Clarkie through a friend almost 4 years ago. We connected instantly as our conversation turned to books. The next 2 hours were spent discussing the merits of this book over that one and that author’s metaphors over this author’s symbolism. We were good friends and slowly became something else; eventually we entered into a quasi relationship. Hearts were broken, relationships were shattered, rebuilt, shattered, rebuilt, and then he married. Our relationship now is at a stalemate. Our lives in two different worlds, a separation from which we cannot push through, but we’ll always have those 3 years together as amazing friends. Then about a year or actually two years ago I met Jeff. He and a friend of mine from HS were together at the time, and we formed a friendship. It was slow at first, but eventually we hit this common ground which I believe sparked our relationship. We to now have this odd relationship, which I value very much. He is a friend, someone who is there for me when in need, someone to laugh with, but he is also this connection that I’ve been missing. He just understands me; at the same time I think I understand him. We talk about things silly, simple, profound, religious, and intellectual. We just click. In the way of romance we’ve crossed the bridge and moved on. We love each other but aren’t in love, happily figured out now instead of later when hearts would be broken, relationships shattered, and then rebuilt. My next guest on the list will never become a best friend, for the sole reason that he isn’t available in that since to the female populace. He is engaged. Our relationship has started at an odd point, I didn’t meet him through a friend, and while I’ve known him for about a year, I really didn’t get to know much about him till this semester when work forced us together. Slowly however our friendship is growing, and I’m struggling to maintain a since of friendship. He’s unavailable which makes it gads easier, but alas his personality has me hooked. It’s odd how often I find myself in relationships of questionable ground. I feel like these past few years have been a roller coaster when it comes to love, and while not bitter, I am slightly distressed. I just want calm and rational for a while. I procrastinate love unlike anyone I know, closing myself off to men if the slightest thing isn’t “correct”. Finally not three weeks before my 23 birthday I had my first kiss, and still I find myself wondering how it happened, what I was thinking, and where to go from here. Relationships are complicated enough without love being a factor, I’m dramatic enough alone without adding to the equation. I sometimes wonder how in the world anyone finds love in this crazy insane mixed up world, and yet as my Grandparents celebrate their 66 wedding anniversary on the 11th, I realize that love while overly complicated, insanely hard to find, and completely unwilling to leave me alone is looking for me, and when the timing is right, I’ll crash into it. Until then, cheers.
Speaking of 66th wedding anniversaries, it’s Fall Break and I’m going home! Today actually, I’m rather excited to be headed to the Ozarks, fall is my favorite season where I’m from. The trees are stunning. The trip should be fun, and it’s a total surprise to my family. On the 11th of October my Papa and Gran will have been married 66 years and my Papa will be 83, on the 12th I’ll be 23 and my beloved puppy Pierre will be 14. Its always been a big time of year at my house, so many things to celebrate. I won’t be home on the those dates, but I’ll be there until Tuesday so although early its still close. My Papa is going to be so thrilled to see me. I can’t wait to surprise him! Anne and I are going to go to Branson for a couple of days and Barbs is getting to go home and see her parents. It should be a total blast to escape Oklahoma for a bit. I plan on having some pictures and updates when I return, so until then!

I've not updated lately...I have moments where I think, "wow, I really should blog this." I start to lay it out in my head and before I know it I've blogged to God rather than the actual blog, so perhaps nothing is really lost...he's keeping it for me. I found this quote randomly on someones Facebook page today, and it struck me...quite hard actually...

"I thought the present was a safer bet. We can only die in the future, I thought; right now we are always alive." --Amy Hempel

and then on the same page, I saw this quote...which also whammied me...because its exactly true.

"The love I seek is so deep, so faithful and true, I wonder if I will ever find someone that will love me in the way I desire. It goes deeper than passion, but as simple as politeness. I desire understanding, and an unfaltering trust. Someone other than my Father, that I can run to when the world is cruel. Someone who will warm my heart with kindness and firmly speak truth to me in love. Someone that will sit and read with me but will also dance in the rain with me. Love is a funny thing. So often "found" and not kept. Why? Well it is because it was never found, for if it was it would be like a treasure, held tightly and never let go, valued above other things." - A. Steele

Insanity is amusing...that being said, meet my boyfriend!

It was love at first height *swoon*

Honesty

My best friend is moving back to Stilly...I should be happy about this...but I feel like mars just landed on my chest...

Life or something like it...

Tonight Anne and I returned a few movies to the video store. Driving down the streets of Stilly windows down, good music on the radio, my foot up on the dash, head leaned back. Just enjoying the almost full moon and wind in my unbrushed curly hair, it was heaven. Its moments like that I live for. Its pure contentment, the world disappears around me and I am left to enjoy the peace. There has always been something beautiful in simplicity. It’s crazy how many of those moments I experience. I know I write about the sunrise a lot, but it’s another moment of just solid contentment. I could name dozen or so, and it is this, in these moments that I feel God more than any other. When the world ceases to be around me, the cares, worries, stresses, and junk of daily life just dissipate and all that is left is the moment. I feel empty tonight, and its good. To finally hit the point of utter release, and finally have all the air cleared with everything in my life. I just feel like everything is starting to finally pick up. The valley is slowly and steadily turning into a mountain. The darkness is giving into the brilliance of the sun up ahead. I’m optimistic about life, finally. It amazes me to read my personal journal from only 5 months ago. I was a mess, in the simplest terms. A summer full of unconditional love, facing some demons, and having an inner battle with my moral fiber, I’ve come out on top. It seems that the one thing I’ve been really missing in the puzzle has come somersaulting back in my life, through a friend. It’s weird to be reminded of something as obvious as God. It’s more insane to find that the pieces fall together with a little help from the maker of the pieces. For a while I’ve been trying to tell my story, perhaps to myself maybe, or perhaps just to let the old musty past finally air out. The words have been hard, if not completely silent, and I’m still struggling with how to tell it, so for my sake I will write the words as they come and stop obsessing over it. I will warn anyone reading this at this point, you may not want to know the things I’m going to tell, and I ask for no sympathy, I am like anyone else facing something incredible, nothing more. I am who I am because of where I came from. My mom as I’ve written before was troubled. She was looking for life in all the wrong places, and took me along with her. From my birth to her death my life was a wild roller coaster of mostly hellacious events. From her addiction to drugs, alcohol, and men I had to grow up much to fast. My world was a whirlwind of survival. At times I ate ice cubes and sugar for food, because she bought liquor first. I’ve lived all over the US, all between the ages of 1 to 11, some of the places people envy, like Hawaii. From one abusive relationship to another my mom kept looking for someone to save her. I personally have faced the physical and emotional abuse relatively well. I have some physical and emotional walls because of it, but deal with it pretty well. It’s the dark dreams of things that happened to me that I cannot face. It’s the stress induced fear and paranoia that bother me now. This summer I saw the man who hurt me the worst. I’ll call him John, the man who took the abuse somewhere else, somewhere worse than a drunken beating. I have for years doubted things that happened to me, believing that they were no more than realistic nightmares. When I saw him in Wal-Mart on some idle Saturday this summer, I realized my dreams were not just scary fiction, but raving mad reality. I know he saw me too; there was a mild recognition on his face that he knew who I was. I quickly left the store, pounding heart, sweaty palms, and purchases in arms. I got into the car and went to the only truly safe place I’ve ever known, home. My grandfather even at 82 is the strongest man in the world to me. My fearless protector, my guardian angel, and in his presence my mind and heart tell me Satan himself would run with fear. He loves me unabashedly, for all the things I am and am not. He doesn’t know all the sorted details of my childhood, although with 12 years in the police force, and two children both adopted from abusive homes behind his belt, I’m sure he sees the things in me that point them out. He knows, and for that I love him more than ever. I saw this vile man again at wal-mart, with his mother. This man who I fear still today, this man who turns me into a broken terrified child. I ran, I know I looked like I was insane, but I was. I was pushing the cart so fast it made noises of protest, but I still felt trapped. I couldn’t get home fast enough. I hid from the world for a few weeks, and couldn’t sleep, because he waited there. I won’t pretend to be a strong person; indeed I’m anything but. Sometimes I think that I will get counseling, but the idea of ripping open old wounds, of knowing without a doubt that I was sexually abused, to remember and relive it, is to large a mountain to climb. To fully understand it I’ve been told would help me overcome it. I don’t believe I’m really ready to fully know it all. It is odd and perhaps a blessing from God the people who come into my life at the right time. I will not explain the situation to explicitly to protect the privacy of my beloved friend, but right before one of my worst attacks of nightmares, social anxiety, and emotional breakdown she came strolling into my life. She saw it in me even before I could say anything, because she experienced it. She understands completely why I hide away from men and relationships, and has if nothing else showed me the Lords hand in helping to slowly but surely overcoming it all. I see her changing as she tackles step by small step the things that hurt her as a child, a relationship with God prominent in the process of healing. “Meg, when you are ready, God will start the process of facing it…let his love take care of you till then.” It isn’t easy, but slowly I’m tackling it, it’s a long ride, but it’s my ride. I just have to allow myself to believe in the end it was worth it to trudge through a little mud to find a place of peace. I’m anything but a poster child for what a relationship with God should look like, just as I’m anything but perfect, yet I believe that all of it happened to me for a reason, and it is because of this belief that I keep on. That closet with all the skeletons doesn’t have me running so fast anymore, and someday I’m going to open the door and clean it out. Until then its one day at a time.

Hang on...just a min more...hang on...it will pass, the sun will come up and the day will be new...just hang on.

Its finally Friday, the week that I’ve almost finished has been at best filled with insanity. The thing is, I’m making it. Last semester defeated me, and I slowly and very visibly disappeared. I stopped caring about school, God, friends, and myself. It’s crazy the difference I see in myself this semester, and that is one thing spurring me on. I’ve never been one to quit. I may take a break, collapse, and sometimes even hide, but I never quit. I always finish. It’s interesting to me how looking back at last semester I only see a large blur, where I should be. I don’t want to be that blur again. I have attended all my classes this week, for the outsider this may seem like a small feat, for me it means that I’m overcoming. I’m here, I’m doing it, and I’m working to make what I want happen. It’s funny how different things are when you are present for them. Today I was walking to work and I realized that I’m ready. I’ve waited a long time for this revelation, this spark of strength. If I can put the words together correctly, make the thoughts sound right, perhaps I’ll tackle my past with the light of the world watching. I seem to feel like people need to know why I am the way I am, why I hide away. I will line it up inside, I will figure it out, I will open the closet of the past and dust it out. The demons waiting there will not control me anymore.

"Go within every day and find the inner strength so that the world will not blow your candle out."
-Katherine Dunham

As I left for work today my dog Willie put his paws on my leg and looked up at me. He didn’t want me to leave him for the day. I rubbed his belly and got up off the sofa and headed for the door. He jumped down and grabbed his toy and stood looking at me...toy hanging out of his mouth, ears perked and eyes large with hope. As I closed the door I saw the hope in his eyes stay. When I get home tonight he will go through Doggy freak out, because the whole day he knew I was coming home, he knew I’d play with him, rub his belly, and be his best friend, but the most important thing, he knew I was coming home…just as I know, I’m going to be okay.

"No matter what our troubles, when the earth turns on its axis one more time and we see what appears to be the sun rising, I feel it's the universe calling for a change in ourselves. You have one more day. Rise with it!" -Oprah Winfrey

Morning...again

For those people who like me are not into the whole “morning” thing, I have good news. The sunrise can make it all worth while. I’m personally not fond of Oklahoma in general. It’s flat, hot, humid, flat, usually brown, flat, and did I mention flat? I often find myself thinking of where I’d like to attend a grad school or where I’d like to live once I’m done with my undergrad, Oklahoma is not on the list. While I love Stillwater, and Tulsa is like home, Oklahoma offers little else to me. There are moments however, when I think that perhaps Oklahoma would not be so bad a place to stay, they are at sunrise. This morning I was running late, the alarm clock did not seem to get the concept of 5 more minutes and my dog’s bladder did not either. I climbed out of bed with only thoughts of an afternoon nap to ebb my despair at another morning to tackle. After taking the dog out, finding my glasses, and letting the dog back in, I was already behind schedule. So I quickly turned on my straightening iron and began my morning ritual of opening the closet and whining about nothing to wear. After three outfit changes (which is odd for a girl who really only wears t-shirts and jeans) I finally was dressed. I straightened my hair as quickly as possible and to my surprise looked rather nice for a speedy job of it. I put my shoes on, brushed my teeth, grabbed a go tart, and headed out the door. As I approached campus I could see the sun just sneaking through the buildings and trees. I contemplated some things with the blazing orange and yellow sun welcoming me to another day. My usually agitated mood at running late was eased at its welcome and I even slowed my pace to be able to watch it a little longer. Sitting here recalling this morning’s sunrise only brings up memories of the countless sunrises I saw last semester, and how much I needed them. It’s amazing how God seems to give me a boost just when I need it, just when I feel like I can’t seem to tackle one more thing. I have to admit though, that an Oklahoma sunrise is nothing compared to an Ozark’s sunset.

While attempting to fall asleep last night I mulled over things in my head, grad school, moving, love, family, the meaning of being “smart”, and self identity. I seem to keep finding myself contemplating things I cannot answer. I keep reminding myself of the ultimate question from the Hitchhikers Guide, what is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. With that in mind I realize we cannot know…right? I stumbled into a discussion with my roomie Barbs yesterday about our purpose in life, how I don’t know what mine is, but I’m living with the thoughts that I’m supposed to attempt to be a better person, help others, and serve God. With that in mind I’m guaranteed nothing, not even happiness. Yet somehow, even in my insane drama I find it…in the quiet, in the loud, between the lines, in the punctuation, on the mountain, and in the cave. It’s waiting for me, always there, always patient, always willing for me to find it. Stop worrying…stop trying…just be present, just be here.

Home sweet disaster...

These are pictures of my new room at my new house. I just got a bed, desk, and book shelf...and it still looks like it was hit by a hurricane...thus is life...lol

My bookshelf with just a few books I thought I'd need...ones I've read and can't part with, such as Pride and Prejudice or books I've been meaning to get to...

My overly messy desk...I'm uber unorganized...but for some reason it all works for me.

My Bed! I love it. It was my grandmothers on my step-mom's side of the family...and I have to hop to get into it. It reminds me of the old style beds that had the step so you could climb in easily...I really adore it! The comforter set is new...I bought it on sale...I love uberly large prints and it was black and white :)

My door...I always decorate my door so...odd fetish of mine perhaps?

Contemplative on a Wednesday

I wanted to write something today about how amazing the past few days have been, and how awed I am by the amazing people in my life. I honestly don’t know where to begin, so instead I’ll put a quote that I feel sums up how I’m feeling about things right now.

"Begin with loss and see how the world contradicts you,
how the horizon implies that beyond it
the water is not empty
but full of ships
all docking at another island."
-Lynn Emanuel

That being said, God and I had a talk last night…it will be the first in a long line of many, after all the call is free.

Would you?

Would you believe me if I said it was the first day of class? Okay, how about if I said I actually got up to an alarm clock this morning, no? Hmm yeah I don't believe it either...

I’m rather tired typing this; my eyes feel heavy and are more than doing their fair share to remain open. I feel stretched. Perhaps this feeling can be negative, but for now it’s very positive. Work has been trying and amazing at the same time. I love my job, which is odd considering I make $5.15/hour, but its so people oriented and I’m having so much fun training the new employees. I was scared of messing something up, looking like a complete fool, or better yet falling down flat on my face, however, I’ve done well and I’m proud of myself for it. Tomorrow is the last day of training and I will then be free for the glorious weekend. Monday is the first day of classes and my first official shifts at work. I have a million things to do, but its nice to have.

I’m a little confused about some things right now, mainly men. Its odd how interest in me has suddenly picked up. I keep finding people who want to date me, seemingly out of nowhere. It can be flattering, but my heart and brain are living somewhere else right now, and until I figure out what they are up to I need to stay off the market…

I’m about to climb into my lovely bed, but before I close this entry I want to leave with a quote (I am in love with quotes).
“Being in motion, not knowing what’s going to happen next, not only suits me but has become and unlikely vehicle for faith.” –Holly Morris

Lost in the transition....

It’s rather funny to imagine that this semester is only a few days away. I feel that I am more than ready to tackle the problems and joys ahead of me in the coming weeks, yet part of me wishes that I could be done with it all. I love learning; there is this electricity in a classroom for me that I don’t get anywhere else. I love my major, the terms, discoveries, and sense it all seems to make to me. It seems as if school has always been my escape from my reality. Even in High School a project could pull me away from the insanity that is common among hormonal teens. College is a freedom far more amazing however and in its tight grip I find many moments of intense happiness. I am starting to see the end of my academic career looming and I am concerned that I’m not ready to be taken from educational bottle. What will I do when I walk on that stage and have my degree and it is all over? Should I go to grad school? Should I just start my life and look for a job? Should I explore the world? There are a million options, but the hourglass is running out of sand.

In another part of my life I find myself searching for answers. I am not sure if I am asking the right questions, but I will get there. Who do I want to be? What do I want to find? What do I expect from others? A friend confronted me the other day in a phone call. She asked why I wasn’t dating and why I didn’t date the men who asked me out. I couldn’t give her any answer that seemed to grasp it all. I feel so young, yet I know what I deserve, and in refusing to settle for second best I’ve chosen to wait for a very long time to really date. Many of the students that I graduated HS with have gotten married and even have children, but I’m certain I’m not ready for that yet. I can’t explain why I don’t date the guys who ask me out other than this feeling I have about them. Some of them are nice enough, if not really great guys. I’ve seen many men come and go from my life these past few years, all of them wanting something from me that I’m unwilling to give. I’m anything but average in the college world. I’m what I call and uber prude. Perhaps I’m deluded to assume that I will get my own fairytale, I don’t expect castles and knights in shinning armor, but I do expect to be considered, loved, respected, and if nothing else understood. Until I find Mr. Right I see no sense in dating every Joe that comes along to pass the time. So in this conversation I just told her, I haven’t met anyone who moves me and is interested.

I’ve been seeking God lately, seeking what he really wants from me. I’ve been hiding from church and the pain it has personally caused me, and hiding from God in the process. I’m not sure what this new adventure with him will show me, I’m not even sure if I’ll be pleased when its done, but I have to take it. I need to know so many things, so my hunt for a church will begin once my transportation becomes available. My hunt for God has already started, and its amazing how he ends up in the small things.

I will begin to chronicle my adventures with getting my chance to study abroad. I want to go to AUS and I intend on doing everything in my power to make it happen. The world awaits me and for to long I’ve not allowed myself to answer its call. As soon as school starts I’m going to talk to the Study Abroad Office and see what I have to do to make this a possibility for next fall. In a year I could be in AUS studying Sociology, how amazing would that be?

So to end a long drawn out entry about nothing, a quote!
“For happiness she required women to walk with. To walk in the city arm in arm with a woman friend (as her mother had with aunts and cousins so many years ago) was just plain essential. Oh! Those long walks and intimate talks, better than standing alone on the most admirable mountain or in the handsomest forest or hay-blown field (all of which were certainly splendid occupations for the wind-starved soul). More important even (though maybe less sweet because of age) than the old walks with boys she’d walked with as a girl...” –Grace Paley

My zoo...Willie (William T. Riker) my lovely doggie, Crissy (Cryslin) the hamster, and Wesley (Wesley Crusher) the Cat. They are the best pets, chewing, scratching, and noises aside they really do make my house feel like a home. Also the doggie and kitty names might seem familiar to the Trekkie nation :) TNG is my fave...can you tell? hehe

She appears to be invisible....

I finally have Internet and it goes without saying I think that I’m dancing with joy. Hopefully we won’t have any trouble getting the wireless set up asap. A lot has and honestly hasn’t happened since my last update. I officially moved back to school. I love my house, and my room. Unpacking has been at best an arduous task and I still have not really completed it. My lovely dog and cat are handling the transition rather well, better than I expected. I really should write more, about the trials, the joys, and the interesting things going on with me right now. I can’t help but feel however that I need to keep it to myself…perhaps its because I see myself changing, bending, and walking in a direction I didn’t expect and I need to fathom it, understand it, or at least have a grip on it before I allow the world to peer in. So until I can think of something to say, I’ll leave you with a quote…

"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." -- Rollo May

Southern fried

With a glass of Sweet Tea by my side and a fan making its repeated whirrings I am finally updating. So many things have occurred in my life lately, so many small things and rather large ones as well. In less than two weeks I will again be living in Oklahoma. Things are rather different this coming year for me, not only in my state of mind, but with my personal life. Our house in Stilly is wonderful, it does not have central heating or air but what it lacks in modern conveniences it makes up for in so many ways. I somehow have ended up with the largest of the three bedrooms, and I will not complain. The back yard is very large and we have a deck, its rather brilliant. While my trip to Oklahoma was wonderful and made me long for my life there very much, there are things to be done yet here in Hillbilly Hallow. I have to finish my cleaning projects, stake my tomato plants so they don’t lean all the way over, pack, and somehow convince my dog and Papa that I am not abandoning them. I’ve been trying very hard to make things happy for them my last few weeks here. I even fried green tomatoes for my Papa, and cooking and I are not friends. I have cooked more this summer than I did all last year, its interesting the things I do for love. As summer ends I find myself preparing for the homesickness that I’ve not felt in a long time, the thought of not having my Papa and my dog is very sad, but I’m still elated that school is so close I can taste it!

The Zoo

Meet the newest memeber of my zoo...

Albert Baxter...(Baxter for Short)

Note to Self

It occurred to me today as I walked in the doors of Wally World why one does not go shopping on a Saturday. It was insanely packed, reminiscent of tuna swimming in a net. People everywhere, carts everywhere, screaming children everywhere, and ringing cell phones gone nuts. I am a people person, but not a large crowd cannot get where you need to go person. It took me 45 mins to do what I typically do in 15. Note to self; do not shop at Wally World on a Saturday.

The war has begun....

I am fighting an inner battle...and the unexpected thing is which side is losing.

Did she say...*whispers*?

Its crazy to think that summer is now half way over. It seems like it just started, but at the same time seems like I’ve been home for a while. I’ve noticed that I find myself thinking about what I want out of next semester more and more as the summer begins its downhill slope. I have been journaling more of late on this very subject. What do I want out of fall? It’s going to be an interesting semester to say the least. I’ll be working every single morning, but thankfully not early. A very close friend from high school will be moving in with me, bridging the gap of Missouri Meg and Oklahoma Meg. I intend to make the highest GPA I’ve ever made and plan on getting the ball rolling on a semester abroad in Australia for fall of 07. I want to actually do this college thing and stop just sitting at home every night. I want to date, really date….not just randomly happen into a relationship. I want to go to the cultural dinners, movie nights, theatre shows, and even the drag queen contest. I want to study in the Library to say I’ve done it (nerdy right?) and nap on Library lawn. I want to go out with my friends and see a new movie occasionally. I want so many things, and I know that I have no way of packing it all in, but I’m going to try. I tend to put life on the backburner and work instead. I want to be 22/23 and enjoy it. With all these goals in mind there is only one thing I can do…and that is just go for it.

How amazing is life sometimes? I feel so surrounded by people, places, moments, and things that make my heart feel the fullest it has in a long while. As I sit here typing my beloved dog is napping next to me, he refuses to leave my side since I've returned home. On the other side of the room Papa is sitting in his chair also napping, unless I change the channel on the television, then he'd be up and "watching" that. The History channel prattles off some information on World War II and the picture I see through the screendoor outside is of the trees swaying in the wind. Its peaceful and its mine. I cannot express the beauty in stillness that occures here everyday, perhaps I have found a joy here that I had forgotten existed. I miss college very much, at times I feel like I'm going to lose my mind here, but then I have moments like this and it makes the crazy need for my life in Oklahoma vanish. At last it is truely summer for me.

Re uh...re...recap?

For the last week and half I’ve been MIA, and honestly it was nice. I feel like I’ve become addicted to the net in my bored moments, which are many it seems. After a trip to Oklahoma for work, Memorial Day, and my mini-hiking excursion my days have been rather full if I allow myself to actually consider it. The pace however is still much slower than I’m used to and I find myself looking for things to keep my mind occupied. There are a lot of really crappy things going down right now. My best friend is getting married and I can’t go. A chain of events has left me stranded in hillbilly hollow and I will miss his big day. I’m really saddened by this; I love him very much and feel as if I am failing him as a friend by not being there. Anyway I won’t dwell on how bothered I am by that and instead I will get to a happier event. On Monday I went with two of my good friends from hillbilly hollow on a grand adventure. What was initially planed as a three day camping trip, slowly turned more< into a day trip and was a blast. We left around noon and headed to a local Mill/Spring and went hiking. I’ll post a few pictures to show why the Ozarks are one of the most amazing places in the world, but I also have to say I suffered greatly for this adventure. I have a blister a little larger than a dime on my right heel and bug bites all over me, blasted itching, but it was so worth it all. So for your viewing pleasure…the Ozarks in summer.

Yonked from Cindy

I am heroic couplets; most precise And fond of order. Planned and structured. Nice. I know, of course, just what I want; I know, As well, what I will do to make it so. This doesn't mean that I attempt to shun Excitement, entertainment, pleasure, fun; But they must keep their place, like all the rest; They might be good, but ordered life is best.

What Poetry Form Are You?

It has been awhile since I’ve honestly updated, a lot has happened, and hasn’t happened lately. Insane cleaning has been going on in the Hobbit Hole (also knows at my house) and minor traveling to Oklahoma and back. I have insane writers block and am having a very hard time putting words together the way I like. So here are a few excerpts from my journal to just have some form of an entry.

It was sunset again, two years ago, the white sand squished under my toes as we walked. The waves rushed the shore and the seagulls honked their hellos as they passed each other. My stomach danced at the thought of you next to me, and I couldn’t help but want to be near you. I’ll never forget that day, those moments, that trip. I find myself going back there more and more as the summer begins its long stretch, and it is because I miss you. That trip marked our real beginning as friends. I miss random banter and conversations about nothing, how you never look up when you eat your fries from the grill at school, your incessant question asking during a show, how you try to make me listen to music you know I hate, the way people would inject into our conversations, how you look out for me, I just miss my best friend.

I planted flowers today, I dug into the earth and probably killed 1000 worms doing it, but it felt good. The weather was perfect for it, and my Papa sat in a lawn chair just hanging out too. I’ve never grown a plant for real, I have a completely brown thumb, or so I think. There is something beautiful in being apart of life, and this is my first attempt at it. I only hope it works out okay for me, or should I say for the plants.

We went to her grave, just to put flowers on it for mother’s day. Gran got out of the car and walked to the headstone, I wonder what was going through her mind as she stood there staring that grave of her only daughter. She spelled my mom’s name over and over out loud, and turned to me, “Who is this? I’ve never heard of her before.” I felt so helpless, so unsure of what to say. It was a hard moment; I do not wish to relive it with her again.

He brought me breakfast today, biscuits and gravy from his morning haunt. Breakfast he brings with love and with kindness. He knows I spend late nights reading and doesn’t like to wake me in the morning to go with him, “you need your sleep sis.” He always chimes in. How am I so lucky to have a man who loves me more than anything else in his life? He even misses baseball games so I can watch my shows on TV. He truly blesses me everyday, I am the luckiest girl in the world to have Papa like mine.

So that is what they are calling it these days...

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Meg's Disorder
Cause:	drug abuse
Symptoms:	automatic writing, restlessness, excessive bad poetry
Cure:	psychiatry
Enter your name, for your own diagnosis:

Hmmm this explains so much...

Oh meg...go to bed!

If I ever happen to have a masters thesis...I'd like to do it over the cultural relevance of burial rather than other methods of body disposal after death....and with that oddity I'm going to bed.

A roundabout

It will sound silly that I, a 22-year-old woman, feel as if I’m back in High School, but it is true. Coming home was a breath of fresh air, and death warrent at the same time. My longing for the Ozarks is unquenchable, I find myself staring constantly longing to be outside, a rarity for me, yet coming back to small town life was not on the top 1000 list of things to do. Walking through the local Wal-Mart, looking like I’d not ever seen a brush, I ran into several people who I have managed for the past 4 years to see hid nor hair of. People always ask me where I am and what I’m doing and with a congenial smile I reply. I then inquire into their lives, because after it would be rude to not care in the least. The looks on their faces when they see me, I’m not sure if it smug pride that they are still snotty and beautiful, or shock that I, the girl fighting to get out, came back. Overall I spend my life making my own way. Once I leave the town limits I don’t look back, and now I see three months of constant battles with my inner pride over escaping. I have never understood the appeal of living here. Everyone knows your business, your last name makes you, being “good” enough is about whom you marry and when you marry them, and after 7 everything shuts down. Perhaps I create this insane idea of what small town life is really about, but in my mind it has always been and will always be about politics here. Don’t get me wrong; there are a hundred things I love about small town America as well. Its nice to have grown up with the same kids and have those people still be apart of my life, to have had a relationship with my teachers because of smaller class sizes, to have been a star in theater because I had few people to compete with, a country with boundless beauty a stones throw away, and a slower pace of life. It is a paradox being here. To find the freedom that awaits me this summer I have to let go of a lot of things, mainly my Pride. Having Anne here for a few days was pure delight, merging my Oklahoma life with my Missouri life, two pieces of my puzzle that are typically separated. While driving between Branson and my hometown I watched the rain cleanse the landscape and the beauty of this part of the country overtook me. So perhaps this summer isn’t going to be an easy escape, but I’m home.

…the somewhat kinda end.

It is almost officially the end of my semester. At 11:30 today I am done. I can’t say that this semester will be sorely missed, but College will be. Yesterday was hellacious. I overslept, and woke up to find packing looming. After intense packing, things kept appearing out of nowhere, it was horrifying, Anne returned home at 8pm and I began to load her car, before long we realized that it wasn’t all going to fit. I began to panic. After a lot of issues, my Tulsa roomie Christy came and we loaded up her Liberty to the max. Everything just barely fit, but praise God it fit. She was able to join my friends and I for free pancakes as well, which was just great. After everything was loaded up she headed home, I really do not know what I’d do without her. It seems God has given me a hundred people to make my life easier, because in a pinch there is always someone there to rescue me. When I called my Papa yesterday he was so excited about me being home Sunday he forgot to feel bad for my stress packed day. It was nice to be wanted though, and I can’t say I am not as excited to spend time at home. I have a lot to do, but overall this weekend is almost finished. I leave Stillytown sometime around 5:30 I believe, I’ll then head to the store once in Tulsa and work until around 2:30amish. Saturday I work prob like noon to 6ish maybe…not so sure about that one. After work there I am hoping to unload what is left in Christy’s liberty at some point, but that might happen on Sunday, I’m not sure. Anyway, the weekend is almost finished and I’m excited about a couple of days in Branson with Anne and then summers full fledged power hits me. I had intended on taking some summer courses, but the cost of the spring was more than expected apparently. So I have to go by the Bursars office today and see what I can do to get my holds taken off. I’ll be netless for a bit after Sunday so I will not likely be updating for a awhile. I’m not sure how long it will take me to get the net set up, but I’m not to horribly worried about it right now. I hope everyone’s weekend is terrific and I’ll leave this semester, and everything else with a couple of quotes for a goodbye. Until we meet again, I sign out.

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.”
-Mary Anne Radmacher-Hershey

“If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.”
-Ray Bradbury

Packing

Packing is Evil...Pure Evil...and on top of that...I have to divide it into what I need to come with me and what needs to stay in Oklahoma for the fall...and needless to say I'm not that orgainized. I have to be packed by 9pm....t-minus four and half hours...and yet I'm still on here...*shakes head* procrastination in my middle name :)

Exhaustion, sweet exhaustion

I can barely move right now, my motor functions are still sleeping in my cozy bed. I worked a shift yesterday for a friend, from Midnight to 4am, but did not make it home until 5:30am. I did go to bed, but of course I couldn’t fall asleep, that would be too easy. Insomnia continues to plague me. I finally conked out, but was up in a couple of hours to go to my next shift. I went home from work yesterday afternoon hungry and tired. After eating I crashed for another couple of hours of sleep and then back on the ball. My University is amazing sometimes, and with Free Pancakes on finals week they hit a grand slam. Some friends and I all went and had these amazing pancakes and a cup of free soda to go with it. After getting done eating we talked until almost one. After a really awesome time I went home ready for bed, after all I had to be at work at 4am. I lay down, and again could not sleep. I finally fell asleep somewhere around 2:30 which gave me an hour before coming in. I’m so tired, so very tired, but there is no sleep in sight. Today my beloved and dearly missed Navy Brother is coming to visit me. I’m excited; I feel more than a little disconnected from my family these days. Having him here will be awesome, and he gets to meet my roomie. After I get done with work today at 11:30am a big group of us are going to lunch and then my bro and I are going to go to Oklahoma City to see the Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial. We’ve never been so my roomie is going to take us. It will be nice to just spend some time with him. I miss him very much; we used to be very close friends. It’s odd to me how life pulls and pushes people together and apart. I cannot believe another semester is ending in two days. I will begin packing tonight after dinner and Lost with Clarkie, it will be our last. There are a lot of endings this week. I am not sure in my exhausted state I can really handle all the craziness going on, but I do know that where there is an end, there is also a beginning. From sleepless nights to relationships altering and changing this week has been physically, mentally, and emotionally packed. I have to keep running until Sunday when I get to sleep finally. Then I get in the car and for the first time in almost 3 years I move home. As much as I say I hate Oklahoma it has become home. I face a summer I’m really not ready for, but I know more than anything it was meant to happen this way. All the doors are closing, leaving a fresh entrance for fall. For all the maddening failure, Brett and I closing a door and pioneering on as friends, losing my Gran mentally, sleepless nights, tiring days, family feuds, money issues, stalkers, emotional highs and lows, and friendships changing, this semester has not been a waste. Since January I have discovered more about myself, my strengths and my weaknesses. Lord only knows what the next three months will bring me. I have always said I am a Drama Queen, but I think this semester I’ve realized that I’m not the cause of the drama so much. Drama seeks me, and I really don’t think I’d have it any other way. In the end it comes down to risk, and the move Elizabethtown had a great point there, “No true fiasco ever began as a quest for mere adequacy. A motto of the British Special Air Force is: 'Those who risk, win.' A single green vine shoot is able to grow through cement. The Pacific Northwestern salmon beats itself bloody on it's quest to travel hundreds of miles upstream against the current, with a single purpose, sex of course, but also....life.”

Driven?

What drives you? What in this world causes you to crawl from blissful slumber into the hectic traffic jam of life? This is something I’ve been thinking about very seriously lately. What drives me? What am I living for? Life it seems is a routine for most adults, myself included. It consists of monthly bills, daily responsibilities, and life long commitments. Yet there has to be something underneath it all, an inner force of will. Last night as I attempted to fall asleep my mind wandered over a few hundred things and I at last cried. Overwhelmed by more than I could handle I lay there in a mess of wet pillow, teddy bear, and blanket, heaving in large gasps of air. Once the tears finally stopped I sat up and leaned against my wall, Snockers in hand. The only sound in my room was the whirring of my fan and the faint sound of music. I listened to the almost silence, and took a deep breath. The coolness of the wall seeped into my back as I sat there starring into the darkness of my room. I sat there for mins or hours I’m not sure, I was unthinking, unfeeling, unmoving. When I finally emerged from this odd state I picked up my journal and began to read the entries of this semester. One by one, word for word I found something missing. I’d often speak in the writings of a desire to see the world, live history, find myself, grow stronger, find my missing compass, meet love head on, face fate, or just simply relax in a quiet wood. Staring at me splattered across the pages, bare and bold, lacking nothing of myself in those words, I discovered something alive, breathing, and growing, but also lacking. I am moving, but right now I am in a darkened valley where the clouds cover the sun. I’ve allowed myself to wander off course, and this wandering lead me to a valley more powerful than any I’ve ever been in. It sucked the life from me, took away my bliss, my pride, my beauty, my inner voice, and my relationship with the one person (God) who could save me from it. For a long time I’ve been so busy trying to be “whole” I let the most important piece to the puzzle go unnoticed in the box. Now I sit in the middle of the valley without the one thing I need, God. What drives me? What in this world causes me to crawl from blissful slumber into the hectic traffic jam of life?

Psalm 139:13-16 (New International Version)
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Confessions from a Broken Moment

Excerpt from my journal 4/27/06
Words are forever. Words do not care who you are, where you are from, what you did, words do not change. I said it, I felt it, I meant it, and I cannot change it. I live a sheltered existence, surrounded by a shell of my own creating. My wants, my fears, my needs, and my easily damaged self hide waiting inside. I can block out others, but how do I block out myself? I was mortified, in a moment everything I understood was changed. I felt the carpet jerk but had no time to prepare for the floor’s strong catch. I sat there, stunned. The alarms sounded inside, “Save yourself! Run!” and I obeyed. I could not answer you, I could not answer myself. Thousands of thoughts and questions raced through my mind in that moment between your paragraph and your question. I racked my brain for anything to say, anything to respond, anything to save my pride or make me less vulnerable, and nothing came. I went to bed unsure of myself, I woke up angry. A hundred moments, all came back when I opened my eyes from bleary sleep. I laid there unsure of the feeling that was rising in me. I spent the day trying not to focus on my anger, but the silent rage of the Monday weather spurred my inner storm. How would I say it, how would I explain, how would I finally tell you how hurt and angry I was. My pride all of it shattered to the floor, unswept, cut me with each memory of you. I tried to silence the memories, to think of anything else, but all I could do was think of all the chances you had to recant, to tell me how you really felt. I sat on the porch while the weather pounded Tulsa and watched the calm turn into a violent storm, and I raged with it. I sit here now unsure of how to tell you what I am feeling, how your friendship means the world to me, but how I feel as if I’m wandering with you. I do not know what to say, how to say it, or how to ask. I tried tonight in vain attempt to say something, to ask, to tell, to speak of the unspeakable moment. It has created some odd rift between us. Still in random moments I remember something of you and me and fume silently, I was angry with myself at first, thinking what a mistake I must have made. Surely I had assumed too much, I misunderstood you, mistook what you said and what a fool I was, but it was not me was it? I was blatantly open, so completely vulnerable, and so bare. You had to know how I felt; I said it a hundred times. In my words, in my actions, in everything and I would have been fine at no, fine with not what I want had you said it. Why did you not say it? I am not okay, I’m wandering lost, but I will be. I had no way to say it to you, I care too much to stare at your silence and wait for your response. I miss you, and I won’t lie about it. I do not expect answers, and I understand if you never give them. I do not expect to discuss it, or even acknowledge it. I do not expect you to feel the same as me or want the same things that I do. I’ve been here before, at least once before. He is now my best friend, and I am certain we too will overcome if we try. I will be distant for awhile, lost in myself. I will be closed off and hard to talk to. I will protect myself from you, but things will soften, they always do. The real question is if you are willing to wait? Does my friendship mean that much? To finally answer your question from that night, yes.

Yonked

Yonked from Cindy

You Should Be a Joke Writer

-You're totally hilarious, and you can find the humor in any situation. -Whether you're spouting off zingers, comebacks, or jokes about life... -You usually can keep a crowd laughing, and you have plenty of material. -You have the makings of a great comedian - or comedic writer.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Computer Lab this is Meg, how can I help you?

Yesterday was complete and utter chaos and I loved every single second of it. After a semester of nothing, just me and my laptop spending every evening in a world physically alone, I finally have regained a sense of why I fill my life up to the top with things. I love it! I complain, whine, get frustrated, and poke fun at myself for it, but I need it. When I am going 90 to nothing with just me and the day of insanity ahead I feel like I’m going somewhere, getting something done. Lately I’ve been so bored, mentally and physically. I keep thinking that this is what broke me, the need for a million things going at once, but it feels so complete to be busy, to have a life. Yesterday I regained a piece of me that I left at the door in January and it is nice to have it back. I had a big meeting/party for work. Every semester all the computer assistants, their team leaders, and the lab manager gets together. We all bring a dish and do a potluck dinner. With all the international students working in the labs it’s an adventure for the palette. At the last event, my first, I was thrust into a leadership role, a semester later I have no trouble with it. I socialized with the other compy geeks and of course met some new people and touched base with some old friends. It was fun. After the eating we all went and signed up for fall shifts. Under my direction (yay power ;) ) my CA’s (compy asst) signed up and socialized. It went rather smoothly and I gained about two CA’s to my team. I’m excited for the fall now more than ever. No more 4 am shifts for me. Rather I’m working Monday through Friday from 7:30 to 11:30 and Tuesday from like 12:00 to 2ish. Just a tinge over the hours I need to pay bills. After all the CA’s left, it was just me, Steph (manager), and another team leader who I’ll call Bill. It was a lot of fun; we cleaned up, joked, talked about serious things like politics (oddly enough), and our future dating service for compy geeks everywhere. As Bill and I were discussing this serious stuff, like perception and what it means to be a “nice” person, he complimented me big time by telling me I was the nicest person he’d ever met. Considering this guy is like the ultimate guy (although he has no idea), handsome beyond reason, 4.0 GPA intelligent, super kind, well traveled, witty, well spoken, helpful, very well kept, and has an accent to die for, it was pretty special. Did I mention handsome? Needless to say I have a great time when he is around, he’s a pretty stellar guy, and the object of many a late night conversation between Steph and I. It was all a blast. I needed it more than I can say. This week is packed, my laptop may just feel a tad abandoned as today brings dinner and Lost with Clarkie, tomorrow I am going to a huge thing here on campus with Steph, Friday roomie and I are headed to a movie and then perhaps having a party at home. Overall I’m packed, I’m busy, and I’m finally free of the doldrums.

Release

The tornado siren is going round and round here. The trees are swaying in the wind while the clouds speed across the sky. I feel as if the world outside reflects the world inside of me. A storm has been brewing and is finally coming to fruition. Other than the rustle of the leaves and the siren it is eerily quiet out here. I am alone in sitting and watching the darkened sky. It measures up to a peaceful melancholy. The porch chimes are tinkling the warning that I should be inside. I can’t help but sit here and watch the weather grow more and more dire allowing the purity in the rage of nature to take me over. I was wrong to go against my instinct and listen to the sound of my mind. Perhaps that is the lesson I’ve learned, my gut has never failed me, thus making these past few months the calm before my storm, and just as the rain comes here so it comes inside me. It will cleanse me, water me, and wash away all that has created this moment. Under this downpour I can smell its freedom, I can taste its bitter release, and I can feel its calming cold. Tomorrow I will be new.

Unmistakable

*sigh*

The road to my own redemption...

The semester is almost over. Today is the official last day of normal classes, and Monday begins Dead Week. Classes become all about the finals and Profs are forbidden by the University to have assignments worth more than I believe 10% of the student’s grade due. Of course there are those Profs who have stuff due anyway, but overall next week is about decomp before finals. I cannot help but feel as if this semester for me was an utter failure, yet I’m contentedly trudging on toward the fall and redeeming myself. I have one credit hour, just one. I am happy to report that in that one hour course I am making a 99.9%. It is gratifying to make an A after the failure of a semester. I feel as if the deck was stacked against me for spring. When the semester started I was working insane hour’s everyday, and ran myself to exhaustion. On top of that things with my family progressed from horrid to rancid, I festered and lost sight of school. I found myself struggling to get out of bed for anything other than work, which I did only because of rent and food. I lost sight of a lot of things, including God. I found myself struggling with emotions I hadn’t faced in a long time. I sit here writing this on the verge of summer, ready and willing for this next step, but also apprehensive. Summer is a big change for me, nothing new, but still scary. I do know that there are things I’ve needed to abandon for now, for my sanity. Clarkie and I are at an impasse. I cannot ask him to give up being with his future wife, I cannot change him, and I cannot ask for less in a friendship than 100%. My parents and I seem only to communicate through grunts and the occasional short conversation about some major change in their lives. Other than that I am non-existent in their world (minus a few prayer lists I’m sure) and I attempt to move on in mine. God and I are also at an impasse. I have some major questions and no one to ask about them. My feuding with my parents has left me churchless and therefore without anyone to whom I can turn to answer my hard hitting questions. I’ve taken my skills from Ozark Christian to search the bible for my own answers, but I’ve come up with nothing. Not even my Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance that contains pretty much any subject or word you can imagine and verses that go with it has produced anything for me. Until these questions are answered I’m not sure where to go.
Through all of this I’ve finally faced myself this semester. I’ve woken up and crawled from a long sleep to look at myself in the mirror, and I did not like what I saw. I by no means am talking about my physical self but my inner self. I have since begun really journaling again and have started a search for myself within all the murk and mire inside me. With help I feel like I am finally on the right path to perhaps fixing a lot of things in my life that I’ve hidden from for a long time. I can’t change a lot of things going on right now, my family, my summer, God, or my semester; but I have hope for myself.
In all this craziness I have found something inside me I had forgotten about. I have found my will. There are a lot of things that have happened to me that are horrific and scary and unbearable right now, but there is a piece of me that is strong enough, and she is growing. I’m finally feeding and nourishing her. I’m not pretending any longer to be something I’m not. I’m tired of not saying what I want or doing what I want because it will make someone else unhappy just as I’m tired of living my life for others. I’ve found a lot of great things in my life in this hellacious year and I’m taking those things and my search for myself and I’m going for my own ride. If doing this makes me the black sheep of the family or unworthy in certain peoples eyes than I’m going to have to say goodbye, for once this is about me and my life. I can only say that I’m choosing not to waste it any longer.

Fine you choose...

When it comes down to it, I like to be picked first every once in awhile. So why do I always get put on the back burner?

Excerpt

I have no way to express my weekend, so instead I'm pulling an excerpt from a journal entry from the weekend.

4.14.06 Home for Easter
Today was surprisingly easy for me. I headed for Mtn. Grove around 4:30pm from Tulsa. I was glad to hit the road and finally be on my way, but I was nervous that this trip would be really hard for me not only emotionally but physically. The travel was quick and I enjoyed the blaring music and stretch of highway. There is something about that one moment when I cross the state border. I cannot help but smile as I see the End of Turnpike sign, for some reason the trees seem to explode into massive numbers in my mind. As if that very spot where the state border exists is also the very spot where the Ozarks come into being. I love the way the trees stretch for miles and miles, the curvy roads, the rocks ledges that sit on the sides of the road. It will sound odd, but even the smell and density of the air seems to change. I was able to watch the beautiful sunset about 25 miles from my hometown. I took pictures through the side mirror and when I couldn’t handle the brilliant colors through a little mirror any longer, I pulled over and took pictures of the sinking red sun. In the moment I stood there watching, a hundred things happened to me, a million tiny revelations, thousands of thoughts, and some beautiful moments, this Easter will be different, and I will keep it mine. If anything I’ve found this beauty, even in utter loss, total collapse, irrational fear, rabid anger, and extreme love. This sunset was for me, to keep me. I will hoard it, lock it up inside me, a fuel for when the weather just a few miles down the road may become more than my shoulders can carry and the sun is unable to shine through the clouds. I will have this moment, the wind blowing in my hair, leaning against the car, the sun retiring in a blaze of colorful glory, just for me.

From Exit to Exit...

Yesterday was odd to say the least, and now I face the early morning predawn of a Friday. I love this time of day, it’s as if the whole world is asleep waiting for the sun to bid it good morning, but a few of us know the secret of the stillness that only comes from the anticipation of the sun’s light. I find peace in the melancholy of these moments. Today begins my grand adventure home, I am glad to see my family, I have missed them. We are a quirky conglomeration of duck tape pieces stuck together by fate, held together by our own special kind of love. My mom and Herb were adopted, because my Gran was unable to have children, yet this family is as much my blood as my real dad who ignores my existence. Herb who is aprox. 27 years older than me loves to “inform” me of how my life should work, the weekend will be filled with our arguing about things as important as what I do with the rest of my life to the silliness of what temp. to bake the biscuits for breakfast. His wife will try to keep his temper at bay and Papa will just tell me that Herb is to hard headed and I shouldn’t try. It’s frustrating, but it is also 100% mine. I look forward to the car trip with my favorite music blaring from the speakers and the stretch of Ozark highway in front of me.
There are a lot of things I can be thankful for, and when I start to feel as if the world has it out for me, I attempt to remember them. I still can’t believe how blessed I’ve been with people; yesterday Steph (my manager) brought me dinner because I was going to miss it. I was working a couple of shifts for some of the CA’s who couldn’t be there. She also is really good about throwing out a great joke when I need to laugh. Then of course my Brett who encourages me, listens to me, and is willing to put up with everything that I am…good and bad. Of course I can’t leave out my sis who is definitely just the coolest teenager to ever walk the face of the planet and a great friend. My Papa who refuses to allow me to slip between the cracks, if I don’t call him he calls me, everyday we talk…and boy do I need him. Christy my ever patient, ever loving, ever there Tulsa roomie who happens to also be just the coolest adult to ever pay bills. Sara…who in her own way shows how much she cares for her other roomies, me and Christy. Mike and Cyndi who are a family to me even if I’m not “tech” apart of theirs…From Cyndi listening to me talk about the hardest things I’ve faced in my life to Mike giving me a hug and an ear, they are the best. My super amazing boss at the store who has become like another member to my family, she takes care of me and more than that cares about me. There are million pieces to my puzzle, a million oddly shaped pieces made up of colorful people with their own lives, problems, and identities, but when I place them all together and look at the whole puzzle they form the wonderful picture that is my life. I appreciate all of you, and I want to say a formal if not more than whispering thank you to Cindy. For all the moments I feel lost in hovering shadows my awesome God sends me someone or something to help me see that if not in this moment, someday I’ll be alright.
I won’t be posting until after my trip home. I hope everyone has a marvelous Easter, a few blessed moments with family, and a couple of colorful eggs hidden to enjoy the day.

I have to keep reminding myself, I am more than this moment. I am more than my grief. I hate Easter. I hate that for a week every year I turn into some odd emotional zombie who walks around trying not to feed off of negative energy. I hate how my Papa pretends he doesn’t hurt because she’s gone. I hate how Herbie acts like he can fix us all with his loud advice and temper tantrums. I hate how Gran can’t remember her anymore. I hate how I try to fix everyone but myself, going to the point of total exhaustion so I don’t think. Holidays mutated in my family after she died…especially this one. This year is it is on the very day…the very same day. I can see the day to the letter, the policeman at the door and the look on my Papa’s face, the way my Gran just stared at him crying in silence, and the way I ran away from the table to hide from the words. I remember the hour drive to the hospital going 55 miles an hour, where some man in pale blue scrubs who smelled like all those worms students dissect in Biology asked me if she had any birthmarks, scars, jewelry, or anything else to identify her by. I remember telling him about the tattoo of my name on her left ankle. The man giving me her purse and a Ziploc bag with her jewelry and knowing at last that this was not some strange dream…but I did not cry…not then…not at the funeral…not at my first HS play…or prom…no, I did not cry…she was coming back. She’d run off before, leaving me behind, but she always came back…I had just seen her, less than 24 hours before…she couldn’t really be gone. I finally realized, some random day at 19 that she was indeed not coming home, she was not going to show up like always with some excuse for being gone for so long, a whole bunch of presents from her adventure so we’d forgive her for all the trouble she’d caused again. My last words to her still ring in my head, “Meggie come on, it’s just for a while, I’ll be good I promise and Ely will take you home for church tomorrow.” “I HATE YOU! Do you hear me? If you leave me with him and go I HATE YOU!” as she pushed me away from the door to go to the bar. She left me…and once a year I become that 11 year old girl sitting on my Papa’s bed while everyone else mourned looking out his window at all the cars out front, waiting for her to walk in the door. I never seem to grow up, every year I become that girl, lost in emotions I don’t understand, not really believing that yet another year has passed. I want to close the process, to finally start to be able to see past this one day every year, over and over again. To finally forgive myself for what I said to her and to forgive her for leaving me and never coming back. Everyone else has had 11 years this Easter Sunday; I’ve only really had 3.
I regret not knowing her, what her favorite color was, the way she smelled, her favorite book, what she liked to eat, how she said goodnight, what color her eyes were, any snippet of information. She loved me, I know that. I realize now that my mom was always running from life, looking for someone to save her from some dark shadow chasing her. She couldn’t handle it, so she would drink…her poetry, her journal like doodles spread randomly through her things; all of it tells the story of a woman who was looking for life, sanity, to feel loved. She wrote that I was her reason for existence, that God had placed her on this earth just for me…but I was not enough in the end I guess.
Nothing has been the same since she left us. I have faith that she is at peace, finally. Just as I have faith that someday I’ll have peace too…until then I will sit on my Papa’s bed and wait.

Easter Bunny Strikes Again!

The Truth about the Easter bunny...alas. (I am not sure what the sound has in it, I'm at work and have no speakers)

I Yonked this from Cindy :)

You Should Be A Capricorn

What's good about you: hard working and ambitious, you're practically a guaranteed success What's bad about you: you can be unforgiving toward people who fail you In love: you're very picky, but extremely devoted to the one you choose In friendship, you're: likely to be a good friend but expect a lot in return Your ideal job: rock climber, sculptor, or practitioner of black magic Your sense of fashion: preppy and put together You like to pig out on: meat and potatoes

What Sign Should You Be?

Revised history of a weekend...

To describe this weekend I’d need a large dictionary with a thesaurus sitting next to it. I do not really know the words for all that happened, I guess in an effort to best place the weekend into words I’ll split it up. Sorry in advance for the bad grammar, spelling errors, horrid sentence structure, and length.

-Journals: I have a love for journals and for my roomie, and this good friends birthday is next weekend so in an effort to get her a present and get it to her before the date past I went on a grand adventure. All alone I ventured into the large city and spread the wings of freedom. I know I’ve said before how much I adore the blaring radio and a drive alone, but this included shopping, pure perfection. My roomie has made a lot of changes in her life recently, one of those changes is 30lbs of weight loss and a loss of 4 pants sizes. In an effort to improve the quality of her life she has also begun to Journal (secretly cheers) and being the poor college student I am, I went out into the world of shopping on a mission. I wanted to get her a Journal that was iconically her and not $30. After a disappointing trip to Target my first store of choice in any situation, I headed to my second favorite store in the world, a massive bookstore. Barnes and Noble of course has a large selection of Journal’s and after scouring the shelves for something perfect I found it. A clothbound hardback sketchbook in which my beloved Christy could place not only her words but also her sketches, images from magazines, photos, and really anything else she wanted. Elated and also holding a new journal for myself, perfectly bound and only $8.00 I left content with my shopping spree and what I had purchased.

-Brett: I know I’ve gushed over him several times, but this weekend he proved himself in ways more telling than ever. Two nights of conversation that went into the wee hours of the morning and even the conversation of last night I realize what an amazing man he really is. I found some amazing stuff that chronicles our relationship from the beginning and it is lovely to think that we can go back and watch it all unfold. Yay to my packrat tendencies and yay to the amazing road we are on. I am so excited to watch where my life is going and what place he has in it.

-Desktop’s, Yearbooks, and Journal’s oh my: I love to go home because I get to dig through boxes and sometimes if not every time I find things I forgot about or that I have not seen in a very long time. This weekend was no exception. On my desktop, Obie, I found many interesting things, including old poetry, school papers, random journal entries that never got put anywhere special, some pretty scary pictures, and even some amazingly interesting conversations I saved with Clarkie. I tend to get into Nostalgic moods and they last until I can no longer handle the overwhelming sense of the past flooding me. I dug out my Senior Yearbook and looked through it; it brought back memories of Scott and my Yearbook class, crazy events like my Band trip to Chicago, the joys and pains of all the clubs I participated in, and all the people we tragically lost that year. After getting through the pages of the hardest year of High School I experienced, I found a issue of my first college’s magazine where I’m on the cover as a bearded Shepard ( I have the blue headgear on ;) ), and then amazingly ran across some random disk in my Garage that contained about a year of my online HS Journal that had been hacked and deleted. I was shocked and amazed to read the lines blurring together on the screen. The girl I was then no longer exists…I was manic and spastic; there were no comments that did not include a whining picture of my unhappiness or my distaste for the life I was leading. While I do not remember being this girl, I am glad to say that I am no longer her. Most of the entries were from my Jr. Year and the summer before my senior year, needless to say I could not really read a lot of the drama. It was still neat to find and to have now tucked safely away on my desktop, password protected, and reminding me that I have a long way to go before I become the person I want to be.

Oh Deer: On the way back to school from home Clarkie and I argued and fought, laughed and joked, and killed a deer. Clarkie was changing the song on his ipod trying to make me listen to some band I do not like when he spots around four deer walking across the highway, I look up at his gasp and break slamming to see one deer headed straight for the front of his truck. I’m not sure what I did, I don’t remember if I screamed or gasped, but I do know I saw the deer fly and by the time we’d stopped had my head buried in my hands not breathing. He thankfully had not stopped until we were far enough away from the dead deer for it to be out of sight, I shakily got out of the truck to assess the damage with him, gripping the door for support I stood on the verge of tears, not sure if I should be relieved we were okay or sad that we had just killed an animal. After I felt like I could walk with my jelly like legs I followed Clarkie to the front of his truck. What we could see from the one headlight left looked like he’d slammed into a light pole going 90. I won’t go into graphic detail, but needless to say, there is no way the poor little animal lived. Growing up in rural Missouri I would hear about people hitting deer all the time, I however, had not experienced it. I know several people who had been killed after slamming into the deer that frequently cross back highways and can’t explain how it makes me feel to know that I could very easily not be typing this right now. The rest of the trip home I was jumpy and rather upset and at one point I almost jumped out of my seat as Clarkie jerked the wheel and gasp over another deer that looked like it had also just been hit. Needless to say while trying to fall asleep at 1:45 when we got home, all I could see was that deer. A few feet and I might not have been alive, Praise God we are okay.

The way it was...

You are seeing the only two photos of Clarkie and I that I really have. I have two others, but I don't know what I did with them. These were taken in the Fall before we stopped getting to see much of each other. I normally would not put pictures of me that I hate anywhere easily accessible to others, but I wanted to remember this. So for posterity sake, me and my best friend Clarkie...the way we were.

Do you ever connect with your past in a way that smacks you in the face? Facebook and MySpace are two of the oddest places on earth, and yet I find myself blown away by their power to connect people. What do you do when faced with people who knew you when you were finding yourself? What do you do with people who saw you roll down two flights of stairs in HS? Or the people who remember the screaming fight in the cafeteria your senior year? The people who watched you perform on stage or even performed with you? Or your first college crush? What about the people who tormented you? When does a person stop defining themselves by the people they used to know rather than the person they are? Do you ever stop wondering about the people who were faces in the crowd of your life? In this picture collage I have captured HS, my freshman year of college, and my even my first year and half in Tulsa...all those people and I are connected...

Pack Rat

Out of sheer boredom I began to clean out my e-mail folders in my hotmail. The funny thing is how old some of these e-mails are. The oldest? 99 from my freshman year in HS. That was literally 8 years ago! I thought I'd put some funny snippets in here from a few of these ancient e-mails. :)

State here your completely honest opinion of me: You're a great person. If you give your best, and don't slack off you'll go far. You're one of the few people who are special enough for me to wanna get closer to you, but I'd hate to have you as an enemy 'cause I also know what you're capable of. (From Renee in a survey email about me 7/29/01 and yes I was semi-evil in HS...who wasn't?)

Who is the scariest driver you've ever met? MEGAN!!!!!!!!!! *barf face* *scared face* *wink* (from Kodie in 03 in a survey about her and I'd like to state..I'm not a bad driver! I've never had a wreck or a ticket! Minus the mailbox...but that has a logical explanation!)

anyway I was amused by these things and thought I'd add them to my blog :)

Nickel Creek

Every great once in a blue moon I find a band that blows me away with their music. Nickel Creek is one of these bands. I have to say I’ve fallen madly in love with their sound as well as their lyrics. Personally I'm not a major fan of bluegrass, but this band's music is stirring. If you get a chance click the links I have provided and listen to some of their stuff, they also have clips on their main site which is linked in my title =) Happy Lost and first Cards game I get to watch on TV day...lol

Some of my favorite songs:
“When you come back down” –Nickel Creek
“When in Rome” – Why Should the Fire Die?
When in Rome Video for Window Media
When in Rome Video for Real Player

Lately I have been losing the joy in the random everyday moments. In an effort to regain a sense of this I’m making another list. This is a List of some random things that have brought me joy in the past couple of weeks.

Squeak Attack- As a rubber ducky lover and collector I tend to wind up with ducks everywhere; this can lead to some crazy events. Last night before a massive blow out between Clarkie and my roomie, Clarkie and I had a rubber duck fight. The sqeaking was insane; it started out as me just squeaking the duck at him, and before it was over the squeaking was at a volume to loud to comprehend. I’m sure my neighbors loved it. It was hilarious and random. Hands and squeaks were flying everywhere, if you can handle the insane squeaking its quite fun.

I like big bibles and I cannot lie- Hearing lyrics from the Christian version of Baby got back entitled Baby got book….really I shouldn’t have to say more.

Team meeting- Last week I conducted a team meeting for my lab. I was nervous and not looking forward to lecturing or even being mildly grumpy to the Comp Asst in my lab, but it was a necessary evil. After the meeting, which went fantastically well we were all just sitting around talking, and started to tease another labs team leader who was working a shift in my lab. He and I are buddies, me and two other girls started to argue about who gets to marry him, we were all talking about how we each had to take turns being his wife…I apparently get the weekends. Even funnier is that we are all taken girls. He took it in stride and was rather amusing to watch.

Full of air- While watching Lost last Wednesday Clarkie and I started arguing about something or other, in order to prove his point he thought it would be funny to roll over onto me, causing pain. We were watching TV in my room on my air mattress. The only thing he did was manage to push me farther into the air mattress. In amused tone I said, “uh...air displacement, nice try.” It was funny because of the defeatist attitude he had for the next 10mins.

When ducks attack- While walking home from my first shift on Monday I was attacked by ducks. It was still dark out and these two ducks had wandered quite a ways from the pond, in an effort to give them space I arched around them, apparently they were not amused by this. They instead of quacking a thanks proceeded to follow after me, quacking rather rudely. I finally was able to break free considering I have longer legs and don’t waddle, but the memory of the insane quacking ducks will haunt me forever.