Morning...again

For those people who like me are not into the whole “morning” thing, I have good news. The sunrise can make it all worth while. I’m personally not fond of Oklahoma in general. It’s flat, hot, humid, flat, usually brown, flat, and did I mention flat? I often find myself thinking of where I’d like to attend a grad school or where I’d like to live once I’m done with my undergrad, Oklahoma is not on the list. While I love Stillwater, and Tulsa is like home, Oklahoma offers little else to me. There are moments however, when I think that perhaps Oklahoma would not be so bad a place to stay, they are at sunrise. This morning I was running late, the alarm clock did not seem to get the concept of 5 more minutes and my dog’s bladder did not either. I climbed out of bed with only thoughts of an afternoon nap to ebb my despair at another morning to tackle. After taking the dog out, finding my glasses, and letting the dog back in, I was already behind schedule. So I quickly turned on my straightening iron and began my morning ritual of opening the closet and whining about nothing to wear. After three outfit changes (which is odd for a girl who really only wears t-shirts and jeans) I finally was dressed. I straightened my hair as quickly as possible and to my surprise looked rather nice for a speedy job of it. I put my shoes on, brushed my teeth, grabbed a go tart, and headed out the door. As I approached campus I could see the sun just sneaking through the buildings and trees. I contemplated some things with the blazing orange and yellow sun welcoming me to another day. My usually agitated mood at running late was eased at its welcome and I even slowed my pace to be able to watch it a little longer. Sitting here recalling this morning’s sunrise only brings up memories of the countless sunrises I saw last semester, and how much I needed them. It’s amazing how God seems to give me a boost just when I need it, just when I feel like I can’t seem to tackle one more thing. I have to admit though, that an Oklahoma sunrise is nothing compared to an Ozark’s sunset.

While attempting to fall asleep last night I mulled over things in my head, grad school, moving, love, family, the meaning of being “smart”, and self identity. I seem to keep finding myself contemplating things I cannot answer. I keep reminding myself of the ultimate question from the Hitchhikers Guide, what is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. With that in mind I realize we cannot know…right? I stumbled into a discussion with my roomie Barbs yesterday about our purpose in life, how I don’t know what mine is, but I’m living with the thoughts that I’m supposed to attempt to be a better person, help others, and serve God. With that in mind I’m guaranteed nothing, not even happiness. Yet somehow, even in my insane drama I find it…in the quiet, in the loud, between the lines, in the punctuation, on the mountain, and in the cave. It’s waiting for me, always there, always patient, always willing for me to find it. Stop worrying…stop trying…just be present, just be here.

Home sweet disaster...

These are pictures of my new room at my new house. I just got a bed, desk, and book shelf...and it still looks like it was hit by a hurricane...thus is life...lol

My bookshelf with just a few books I thought I'd need...ones I've read and can't part with, such as Pride and Prejudice or books I've been meaning to get to...

My overly messy desk...I'm uber unorganized...but for some reason it all works for me.

My Bed! I love it. It was my grandmothers on my step-mom's side of the family...and I have to hop to get into it. It reminds me of the old style beds that had the step so you could climb in easily...I really adore it! The comforter set is new...I bought it on sale...I love uberly large prints and it was black and white :)

My door...I always decorate my door so...odd fetish of mine perhaps?

Contemplative on a Wednesday

I wanted to write something today about how amazing the past few days have been, and how awed I am by the amazing people in my life. I honestly don’t know where to begin, so instead I’ll put a quote that I feel sums up how I’m feeling about things right now.

"Begin with loss and see how the world contradicts you,
how the horizon implies that beyond it
the water is not empty
but full of ships
all docking at another island."
-Lynn Emanuel

That being said, God and I had a talk last night…it will be the first in a long line of many, after all the call is free.

Would you?

Would you believe me if I said it was the first day of class? Okay, how about if I said I actually got up to an alarm clock this morning, no? Hmm yeah I don't believe it either...

I’m rather tired typing this; my eyes feel heavy and are more than doing their fair share to remain open. I feel stretched. Perhaps this feeling can be negative, but for now it’s very positive. Work has been trying and amazing at the same time. I love my job, which is odd considering I make $5.15/hour, but its so people oriented and I’m having so much fun training the new employees. I was scared of messing something up, looking like a complete fool, or better yet falling down flat on my face, however, I’ve done well and I’m proud of myself for it. Tomorrow is the last day of training and I will then be free for the glorious weekend. Monday is the first day of classes and my first official shifts at work. I have a million things to do, but its nice to have.

I’m a little confused about some things right now, mainly men. Its odd how interest in me has suddenly picked up. I keep finding people who want to date me, seemingly out of nowhere. It can be flattering, but my heart and brain are living somewhere else right now, and until I figure out what they are up to I need to stay off the market…

I’m about to climb into my lovely bed, but before I close this entry I want to leave with a quote (I am in love with quotes).
“Being in motion, not knowing what’s going to happen next, not only suits me but has become and unlikely vehicle for faith.” –Holly Morris

Lost in the transition....

It’s rather funny to imagine that this semester is only a few days away. I feel that I am more than ready to tackle the problems and joys ahead of me in the coming weeks, yet part of me wishes that I could be done with it all. I love learning; there is this electricity in a classroom for me that I don’t get anywhere else. I love my major, the terms, discoveries, and sense it all seems to make to me. It seems as if school has always been my escape from my reality. Even in High School a project could pull me away from the insanity that is common among hormonal teens. College is a freedom far more amazing however and in its tight grip I find many moments of intense happiness. I am starting to see the end of my academic career looming and I am concerned that I’m not ready to be taken from educational bottle. What will I do when I walk on that stage and have my degree and it is all over? Should I go to grad school? Should I just start my life and look for a job? Should I explore the world? There are a million options, but the hourglass is running out of sand.

In another part of my life I find myself searching for answers. I am not sure if I am asking the right questions, but I will get there. Who do I want to be? What do I want to find? What do I expect from others? A friend confronted me the other day in a phone call. She asked why I wasn’t dating and why I didn’t date the men who asked me out. I couldn’t give her any answer that seemed to grasp it all. I feel so young, yet I know what I deserve, and in refusing to settle for second best I’ve chosen to wait for a very long time to really date. Many of the students that I graduated HS with have gotten married and even have children, but I’m certain I’m not ready for that yet. I can’t explain why I don’t date the guys who ask me out other than this feeling I have about them. Some of them are nice enough, if not really great guys. I’ve seen many men come and go from my life these past few years, all of them wanting something from me that I’m unwilling to give. I’m anything but average in the college world. I’m what I call and uber prude. Perhaps I’m deluded to assume that I will get my own fairytale, I don’t expect castles and knights in shinning armor, but I do expect to be considered, loved, respected, and if nothing else understood. Until I find Mr. Right I see no sense in dating every Joe that comes along to pass the time. So in this conversation I just told her, I haven’t met anyone who moves me and is interested.

I’ve been seeking God lately, seeking what he really wants from me. I’ve been hiding from church and the pain it has personally caused me, and hiding from God in the process. I’m not sure what this new adventure with him will show me, I’m not even sure if I’ll be pleased when its done, but I have to take it. I need to know so many things, so my hunt for a church will begin once my transportation becomes available. My hunt for God has already started, and its amazing how he ends up in the small things.

I will begin to chronicle my adventures with getting my chance to study abroad. I want to go to AUS and I intend on doing everything in my power to make it happen. The world awaits me and for to long I’ve not allowed myself to answer its call. As soon as school starts I’m going to talk to the Study Abroad Office and see what I have to do to make this a possibility for next fall. In a year I could be in AUS studying Sociology, how amazing would that be?

So to end a long drawn out entry about nothing, a quote!
“For happiness she required women to walk with. To walk in the city arm in arm with a woman friend (as her mother had with aunts and cousins so many years ago) was just plain essential. Oh! Those long walks and intimate talks, better than standing alone on the most admirable mountain or in the handsomest forest or hay-blown field (all of which were certainly splendid occupations for the wind-starved soul). More important even (though maybe less sweet because of age) than the old walks with boys she’d walked with as a girl...” –Grace Paley

My zoo...Willie (William T. Riker) my lovely doggie, Crissy (Cryslin) the hamster, and Wesley (Wesley Crusher) the Cat. They are the best pets, chewing, scratching, and noises aside they really do make my house feel like a home. Also the doggie and kitty names might seem familiar to the Trekkie nation :) TNG is my fave...can you tell? hehe

She appears to be invisible....

I finally have Internet and it goes without saying I think that I’m dancing with joy. Hopefully we won’t have any trouble getting the wireless set up asap. A lot has and honestly hasn’t happened since my last update. I officially moved back to school. I love my house, and my room. Unpacking has been at best an arduous task and I still have not really completed it. My lovely dog and cat are handling the transition rather well, better than I expected. I really should write more, about the trials, the joys, and the interesting things going on with me right now. I can’t help but feel however that I need to keep it to myself…perhaps its because I see myself changing, bending, and walking in a direction I didn’t expect and I need to fathom it, understand it, or at least have a grip on it before I allow the world to peer in. So until I can think of something to say, I’ll leave you with a quote…

"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." -- Rollo May