I’ve learned a valuable lesson about life this past week. You don’t always pick your family genetically, but you can pick them emotionally. After so many years of wanting and waiting for the moment when I’d be loved the way that I should be by my biological father...I’ve come to the conclusion that that I’ll never be the Women that they want me to be, nor should I live my life attempting to be their ideal, I am my own person. Its amazing what a little outside help can make a person see. Oddly enough I’ve felt more like myself these past few weeks than I have in a long time, and not a lot has been different, other than having a person to talk to about it. Friday is my appointment with the Psychiatrist and she will tell me if I will officially be on meds or not. I’m afraid of the answer and at the same time relieved that the game of wondering is almost over. The past few years of my life have been a train wreck of emotional, spiritual, and physical collapse. I am tired of being this shell of myself, tired of pretending to be okay when I’m not, and tired of being okay with this less than full version of myself. I know while talking to a visiting long time friend about my current self, another person in my life, also there, realized how different I was from the girl she met almost two and half years ago. I am different, and while a lot of people in my life do not seem to see it, I do. Perhaps I’ll soon be a medicated Meg and perhaps I won’t be; whatever the case I can’t help but think that I’m improving.
On a completely different subject, last night I went to a cook-out. I love it when whims turn into adventure. We built a fire, roasted hot dogs, and had smores. The stars were bright, the brightest I’ve seen them in a while. The cook-out was accident and snafu prone, but a blast nonetheless. My pants almost caught on fire, I ripped part of a toenail off in a freak mud accident, and the hot dogs were cold, but it was one of those nights that just sparkle with fun. As I fell asleep last night smelling of wood smoke I realized that these are the last few years of the beginning. The moments that I will remember when I’m 75 and telling people of my college days. I am so tired of school, so tired of the doldrums of the same old same old, and yet I’m so alive. I waste nights on a sofa, when there is a world of brilliant stars to see. I want to cook out again soon. Maybe I’ll have another night where I can manage to get myself out…how worth the moment that would be.
In about a week, I’m going to see one of my best friends Graduate from college. She lives in Colorado, so far from my daily life, yet still so much apart of it. I’m excited to see her and her husband again after almost 3 years. The road trip will include my roommates and boyfriend. We are going to visit 8 states, 9 if you include Oklahoma, in 4 days. It’s a grand road trip, which begins in little Stillwater and takes us to Las Vegas, the California border, 4 corners state park, Mesa Verde, Durango, Denver, and down through Kansas back to our comfortable and loving beds. I can’t wait for this experiment in social strain as we attempt to spend an insane and perhaps overdone amount of time together. I intend on taking a jillion pictures and will hopefully come back with many stories to tell. I know Barbs and I are most excited about the Star Trek experience…which will be followed by dinner at Quark’s Bar…*sigh* a Trekkie dream come true.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
this weeks top 40 #1 hit goes too...
It is that time of year again, where I review my Top 10 moments :) from this School year. So without further ado…
1. Willie- My baby boy, my muffin, biscuit, sniffer, mess, and love of my life. He has kept me sane the last few months; I don’t know what I’d do without his co-dependant hyperactive personality on a daily basis. God really provided for me when he allowed Willie to come into my life.
2. Nose ring oh nose ring- about a month and half ago, I got my nose pierced. Act of rebellion? Maybe. I am starting to realize that as I grow up I want to experience things that I never have before, unlike my tattoo the nose ring can easily disappear. Yet another thing on the list of Meg’s Black Sheep tendencies.
3. Thanksgiving- Having Barb’s parents come to our house for Thanksgiving made me feel like a real adult. My first official holiday where I did the cooking. Things went well and minus a few hiccups it was great! I can only hope that her parents come to our new Apartment once we move.
4. World Series Victory!- My entire life was spent with summers full of baseball. My papa never missed a televised game, and I sat happily on the floor chin in my hand enthralled by the game. Baseball reminds me of Summer, and Summer reminds me of happy childhood moments, the smell of a fresh cut lawn, the whirring of the A/C, the taste of fried green tomatoes and garden fresh strawberries. Baseball runs through my veins and energizes my soul. Finally I was witness to the only team I’ve ever loved winning the prize. Oh what a joy
5. Meggit Mix- A creative outlet for me, and a place to express my unusual and sometimes really silly sense of humor.
6. Christmas- This year it was nice to be at home and just loaf with my Papa. Herb (my uncle) came home and for once the holiday did not seem so empty.
7. New Years- I made some crazy choices on New Years, but it was a blast nonetheless. Getting to spend time with my Step-Bro and some of my best friends made it a hoot. I don’t think I’ve ever spent a New Years playing cards before, but it was a great time!
8. St. Pats Day- My first time ever to celebrate the green holiday. It was a blast! I actually understand now why people like to celebrate such a seemingly random event!
9. The Written Word- My friend Josh joined the Marines and when he went to boot camp he started writing me letters. Getting real mail was a blast, but getting real mail from a friend was even better. I love the anticipation between letters and the excitement of finally receiving them. Its such a difference the way the written word strikes the soul compared to electronic text.
10. Relient K- The Relient K concert was a blast and it was such a good time getting to hang out with my Sis and my friend Tiff while rocking to one of the greatest bands alive. I also got to see Sherwood in concert and fell in love with them as well. There’s nothing more fulfilling than the Sadie Hawkins Dance played so loud your whole body vibrates, while dancing with a crowd of strangers. *sigh* pure delight.
1. Willie- My baby boy, my muffin, biscuit, sniffer, mess, and love of my life. He has kept me sane the last few months; I don’t know what I’d do without his co-dependant hyperactive personality on a daily basis. God really provided for me when he allowed Willie to come into my life.
2. Nose ring oh nose ring- about a month and half ago, I got my nose pierced. Act of rebellion? Maybe. I am starting to realize that as I grow up I want to experience things that I never have before, unlike my tattoo the nose ring can easily disappear. Yet another thing on the list of Meg’s Black Sheep tendencies.
3. Thanksgiving- Having Barb’s parents come to our house for Thanksgiving made me feel like a real adult. My first official holiday where I did the cooking. Things went well and minus a few hiccups it was great! I can only hope that her parents come to our new Apartment once we move.
4. World Series Victory!- My entire life was spent with summers full of baseball. My papa never missed a televised game, and I sat happily on the floor chin in my hand enthralled by the game. Baseball reminds me of Summer, and Summer reminds me of happy childhood moments, the smell of a fresh cut lawn, the whirring of the A/C, the taste of fried green tomatoes and garden fresh strawberries. Baseball runs through my veins and energizes my soul. Finally I was witness to the only team I’ve ever loved winning the prize. Oh what a joy
5. Meggit Mix- A creative outlet for me, and a place to express my unusual and sometimes really silly sense of humor.
6. Christmas- This year it was nice to be at home and just loaf with my Papa. Herb (my uncle) came home and for once the holiday did not seem so empty.
7. New Years- I made some crazy choices on New Years, but it was a blast nonetheless. Getting to spend time with my Step-Bro and some of my best friends made it a hoot. I don’t think I’ve ever spent a New Years playing cards before, but it was a great time!
8. St. Pats Day- My first time ever to celebrate the green holiday. It was a blast! I actually understand now why people like to celebrate such a seemingly random event!
9. The Written Word- My friend Josh joined the Marines and when he went to boot camp he started writing me letters. Getting real mail was a blast, but getting real mail from a friend was even better. I love the anticipation between letters and the excitement of finally receiving them. Its such a difference the way the written word strikes the soul compared to electronic text.
10. Relient K- The Relient K concert was a blast and it was such a good time getting to hang out with my Sis and my friend Tiff while rocking to one of the greatest bands alive. I also got to see Sherwood in concert and fell in love with them as well. There’s nothing more fulfilling than the Sadie Hawkins Dance played so loud your whole body vibrates, while dancing with a crowd of strangers. *sigh* pure delight.
Friday, April 06, 2007
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