Amen

"Storybook happiness involves every form of pleasant thumb-twiddling; true happiness involves the full use of one's powers and talents." -- John W. Gardner

Missing

There is something about this time of year, it debilitates me. It never fails; spring brings me a form of suffering unlike any other time of year. I’m very much inverted and lost. It seems that spring always bring extreme change in my life and I do not deal with change well. I feel like I fell off track somewhere and cannot seem to find the right road. I need to hibernate.

A run in with the Mirror...

My old roomie Christy came to visit me today. It had been a long while since our last run in. She and I are very different people in so many ways, yet the same too. She’s fiercely independent, she tackles relationships (that whole um I need some personal time and space please) like me, she’s silly, serious, loves to read, is brilliant, witty, and a million and half amazing things in one beautiful and spicy woman. She has made my life in Oklahoma so much brighter. My path here has been dense at times, lots of depression, lots of anxiety, and extremely bumpy with family, but Christy always was there next to me. She was a great roomie, but and even better sister. I wonder sometimes what life would be like for me, if I’d stayed in Tulsa and not come to OSU. I wonder if Christy and I would be attached at the hip like we used to be, or if we’d have grown the same ways we have. I always question my choices, sometimes more than others, and when I’m holed up in my room because of some argument with the roommates I currently have, I think about the lazy evenings eating order in Chinese with Christy on the sofa.

I think about that Meg sometimes, my first experience of living in a house on my own. I was working full time and being an “adult” for real, 4 years ago. So much has changed, and so much hasn’t. The world is a scary place, and in those 4 years I’ve been in love and heart broken more than once, I’ve moved 4 or 5 times, I have grown up, gone into debt, failed classes, passed classes, lost myself, met some amazing people, lost family, and regained them. I’m sure my road in Oklahoma isn’t finished yet, but sometimes I feel like I’m ready for a new chapter; my roots grow restless for a new pot to grow in, and the inklings are growing stronger. If I’m not careful I’ll rip the roots out and tear off on a new adventure without a thought.

Valentines Day

Sometimes she dreams in color...

I always find it frustrating how the thoughts in my head never seem to translate to the page. I find it more frustrating how my best thoughts occur in that lucid stage right before sleep, when the mind is dumping everything in preparation for blissful slumber. I can not help but wonder how the greatest of writers ever manage to create logical thought, let alone the brilliance they manage to put on the page. My creative writing class is stirring up a fear that I have never before experienced, and this has me on edge.

My creative/personal writing has always been a very private thing, more so for the content than anything, but also because of my bad spelling, horrid grammar, and inability to express my whirling thoughts in a coherent manner. I reserve my private thoughts for those whom I do not fear will laugh at my inner self. Yet here I am in a class I knew would do just that, judge. I am even having nightmares of my professor’s response to my writing, and that really bothers me. I fear that I will not receive her acceptance, and in the end, I believe that is exactly why I have never before taken a creative writing class. I do not show off my work because I am deathly afraid of the rejection, and yet now I push my writing on people in hopes that their acceptance will mean hers.

I must write a 10 page story, I am livid.

I ran into an old friend yesterday, it was odd. How unusual that I said old friend rather than Clarkie. I guess while I was not paying attention he crossed the line into the nameless former rather than the nicknamed present. I feel as if I have crossed some invisible line myself, and that I am living in a new era. I am not sure when or where the line was placed, but the girl I am now is very different than she was 6 months ago. Perhaps I can say that it is because my friends have changed, or that I have allowed myself to be more of a typical 23 year old. I really can not say which of these events has lead to the girl that types this, but I do know that I am going to have to keep an eye on her.