Driven?

What drives you? What in this world causes you to crawl from blissful slumber into the hectic traffic jam of life? This is something I’ve been thinking about very seriously lately. What drives me? What am I living for? Life it seems is a routine for most adults, myself included. It consists of monthly bills, daily responsibilities, and life long commitments. Yet there has to be something underneath it all, an inner force of will. Last night as I attempted to fall asleep my mind wandered over a few hundred things and I at last cried. Overwhelmed by more than I could handle I lay there in a mess of wet pillow, teddy bear, and blanket, heaving in large gasps of air. Once the tears finally stopped I sat up and leaned against my wall, Snockers in hand. The only sound in my room was the whirring of my fan and the faint sound of music. I listened to the almost silence, and took a deep breath. The coolness of the wall seeped into my back as I sat there starring into the darkness of my room. I sat there for mins or hours I’m not sure, I was unthinking, unfeeling, unmoving. When I finally emerged from this odd state I picked up my journal and began to read the entries of this semester. One by one, word for word I found something missing. I’d often speak in the writings of a desire to see the world, live history, find myself, grow stronger, find my missing compass, meet love head on, face fate, or just simply relax in a quiet wood. Staring at me splattered across the pages, bare and bold, lacking nothing of myself in those words, I discovered something alive, breathing, and growing, but also lacking. I am moving, but right now I am in a darkened valley where the clouds cover the sun. I’ve allowed myself to wander off course, and this wandering lead me to a valley more powerful than any I’ve ever been in. It sucked the life from me, took away my bliss, my pride, my beauty, my inner voice, and my relationship with the one person (God) who could save me from it. For a long time I’ve been so busy trying to be “whole” I let the most important piece to the puzzle go unnoticed in the box. Now I sit in the middle of the valley without the one thing I need, God. What drives me? What in this world causes me to crawl from blissful slumber into the hectic traffic jam of life?

Psalm 139:13-16 (New International Version)
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.