Excerpt from my journal 4/27/06
Words are forever. Words do not care who you are, where you are from, what you did, words do not change. I said it, I felt it, I meant it, and I cannot change it. I live a sheltered existence, surrounded by a shell of my own creating. My wants, my fears, my needs, and my easily damaged self hide waiting inside. I can block out others, but how do I block out myself? I was mortified, in a moment everything I understood was changed. I felt the carpet jerk but had no time to prepare for the floor’s strong catch. I sat there, stunned. The alarms sounded inside, “Save yourself! Run!” and I obeyed. I could not answer you, I could not answer myself. Thousands of thoughts and questions raced through my mind in that moment between your paragraph and your question. I racked my brain for anything to say, anything to respond, anything to save my pride or make me less vulnerable, and nothing came. I went to bed unsure of myself, I woke up angry. A hundred moments, all came back when I opened my eyes from bleary sleep. I laid there unsure of the feeling that was rising in me. I spent the day trying not to focus on my anger, but the silent rage of the Monday weather spurred my inner storm. How would I say it, how would I explain, how would I finally tell you how hurt and angry I was. My pride all of it shattered to the floor, unswept, cut me with each memory of you. I tried to silence the memories, to think of anything else, but all I could do was think of all the chances you had to recant, to tell me how you really felt. I sat on the porch while the weather pounded Tulsa and watched the calm turn into a violent storm, and I raged with it. I sit here now unsure of how to tell you what I am feeling, how your friendship means the world to me, but how I feel as if I’m wandering with you. I do not know what to say, how to say it, or how to ask. I tried tonight in vain attempt to say something, to ask, to tell, to speak of the unspeakable moment. It has created some odd rift between us. Still in random moments I remember something of you and me and fume silently, I was angry with myself at first, thinking what a mistake I must have made. Surely I had assumed too much, I misunderstood you, mistook what you said and what a fool I was, but it was not me was it? I was blatantly open, so completely vulnerable, and so bare. You had to know how I felt; I said it a hundred times. In my words, in my actions, in everything and I would have been fine at no, fine with not what I want had you said it. Why did you not say it? I am not okay, I’m wandering lost, but I will be. I had no way to say it to you, I care too much to stare at your silence and wait for your response. I miss you, and I won’t lie about it. I do not expect answers, and I understand if you never give them. I do not expect to discuss it, or even acknowledge it. I do not expect you to feel the same as me or want the same things that I do. I’ve been here before, at least once before. He is now my best friend, and I am certain we too will overcome if we try. I will be distant for awhile, lost in myself. I will be closed off and hard to talk to. I will protect myself from you, but things will soften, they always do. The real question is if you are willing to wait? Does my friendship mean that much? To finally answer your question from that night, yes.
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