The road to my own redemption...

The semester is almost over. Today is the official last day of normal classes, and Monday begins Dead Week. Classes become all about the finals and Profs are forbidden by the University to have assignments worth more than I believe 10% of the student’s grade due. Of course there are those Profs who have stuff due anyway, but overall next week is about decomp before finals. I cannot help but feel as if this semester for me was an utter failure, yet I’m contentedly trudging on toward the fall and redeeming myself. I have one credit hour, just one. I am happy to report that in that one hour course I am making a 99.9%. It is gratifying to make an A after the failure of a semester. I feel as if the deck was stacked against me for spring. When the semester started I was working insane hour’s everyday, and ran myself to exhaustion. On top of that things with my family progressed from horrid to rancid, I festered and lost sight of school. I found myself struggling to get out of bed for anything other than work, which I did only because of rent and food. I lost sight of a lot of things, including God. I found myself struggling with emotions I hadn’t faced in a long time. I sit here writing this on the verge of summer, ready and willing for this next step, but also apprehensive. Summer is a big change for me, nothing new, but still scary. I do know that there are things I’ve needed to abandon for now, for my sanity. Clarkie and I are at an impasse. I cannot ask him to give up being with his future wife, I cannot change him, and I cannot ask for less in a friendship than 100%. My parents and I seem only to communicate through grunts and the occasional short conversation about some major change in their lives. Other than that I am non-existent in their world (minus a few prayer lists I’m sure) and I attempt to move on in mine. God and I are also at an impasse. I have some major questions and no one to ask about them. My feuding with my parents has left me churchless and therefore without anyone to whom I can turn to answer my hard hitting questions. I’ve taken my skills from Ozark Christian to search the bible for my own answers, but I’ve come up with nothing. Not even my Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance that contains pretty much any subject or word you can imagine and verses that go with it has produced anything for me. Until these questions are answered I’m not sure where to go.
Through all of this I’ve finally faced myself this semester. I’ve woken up and crawled from a long sleep to look at myself in the mirror, and I did not like what I saw. I by no means am talking about my physical self but my inner self. I have since begun really journaling again and have started a search for myself within all the murk and mire inside me. With help I feel like I am finally on the right path to perhaps fixing a lot of things in my life that I’ve hidden from for a long time. I can’t change a lot of things going on right now, my family, my summer, God, or my semester; but I have hope for myself.
In all this craziness I have found something inside me I had forgotten about. I have found my will. There are a lot of things that have happened to me that are horrific and scary and unbearable right now, but there is a piece of me that is strong enough, and she is growing. I’m finally feeding and nourishing her. I’m not pretending any longer to be something I’m not. I’m tired of not saying what I want or doing what I want because it will make someone else unhappy just as I’m tired of living my life for others. I’ve found a lot of great things in my life in this hellacious year and I’m taking those things and my search for myself and I’m going for my own ride. If doing this makes me the black sheep of the family or unworthy in certain peoples eyes than I’m going to have to say goodbye, for once this is about me and my life. I can only say that I’m choosing not to waste it any longer.